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Hi there.

I had the same excuses: I am too controlling. This is NOT your fault. For this to work he needs to be willing to work on it 100% otherwise it will destroy you and can impact on your kids life. It's still early days in my relationship, but I am well aware that if he stops counselling or tries to outsmart me in any shape or form, that I will have to leave him. It's a horrendous feeling, but I also love myself and I can't let this happen to me. I can't afford to lose myself in problems that I can't solve. Therefore removing yourself is sometimes a good option. I think you have to be very clear. Don't take his comments to heart. I t s an addict speaking, trying to justify his actions.

I got told that our relationship is unstable and we can't have a kid, although we always wanted to. I was lied to for years and like yourself I have found paperwork of loans.

It's great to share things on here. I feel your pain. Let me know how you get on.

Thank you for replying, its good knowing people who are in the same boat, I want to focus on me and the boys but I still love my partner I just want him better, what's the best way to approach someone with a gambling habit so they do seek help x

Thank you for replying, its good knowing people who are in the same boat, I want to focus on me and the boys but I still love my partner I just want him better, what's the best way to approach someone with a gambling habit so they do seek help x

Thank you for replying, its good knowing people who are in the same boat, I want to focus on me and the boys but I still love my partner I just want him better, what's the best way to approach someone with a gambling habit so they do seek help x

hm. I only had one go at this. When he told me I said that if he wants us to work as a couple there are clear rules:

His parents must know (only because we are all quite close)

He must get help in form of counselling and forums

I will have to check his bank accounts once a month

And we must be able to talk to each other.

Otherwise I will have to leave. So far so good, but we are only a week gone... His parents know, he started counselling and he showed me his accounts. It's important that there is a network around you too. His parents made it clear that they will not take him in anymore if he starts again and he won't be able to see his kids ( they are living with their mum and not me). If you are all on the same page it helps to tackle the problem. Nevertheless that doesn't mean he won't relapse, but I think it is important to have clear rules going forward.

Hope this helps.

Please help, I am so heartbroken and devestated. I've been with my partner for 7 years and I've just found out that he has a gambling problem. He was already deceptive to me (texting a girl) the first year we were together, now I have found out that he's been lying to me for the past 3 years. I always knew that he had a weird obsession with money and knew he gambled now and again but had no idea had bad it was! Until a month ago when I discovered he'd been borrowing money from our joint account for the last 3 years to fund his habit, he had been paying it back but said he lost track and once I has calculated what he'd taken and what he'd put back in- there was £1100 missing- obviously half of that is my money, it makes me sick! I trusted him and never checked the joint account, although I always had something in the back of my mind telling me I should have a little look at it now and again, as a few years ago £100 had been taken out, which I made him pay back. He said he wasn't thinking and used the wrong account! I feel like a fool now to have believed him and can't believe he's done this to me, I feel like he's just taken advantage of my good nature. It is very shocking as he's such a kind, thoughtful, loving and caring man, all my family and friends love him, so I just don't understand. I confronted him straight away and he admitted it, he was unaware how long it had been going on and how much was missing from the account and ran out crying when he found out. He is such a lovely man but has hurt me so much. Luckily we are not in any debt, he was able to control it so that the bills were still paid. He has told his friends and family and I've told mine, he's agreed to go to the GA meetings and says he will do whatever it takes. I just don't know if he deserves another chance, I've gave so much to our relationship 🙁

Hi poppyblue

I can only say that I am feeling the same way. I don't want to be taken for granted and can't help to feel that I deserve better than this.yesterday I realized for the first time 100% that this issue will stay forever. Although my partner goes to counselling and agreed to let me check his account I am still being lied to. I have checked it for the first time yesterday and he said that he had a take home pay of 1500, but when I checked it was 1700. He admitted lieing to me, which I find devastating, because he knows how much he has hurt me, but still continued to lie. He said he has not gambled, but wanted the money spare for Xmas without me knowing???? I don't know what to believe anymore and feel so angry.

Sorry, I probably didn't help you, but I can promise you that you are not alone with this issue. I feel exactly the same.

Sending you strength and patience,

Carla

Hi Carla,

Its good to know that I am not alone in this!

Sorry I have signed up to a lot of websites and forgot I had signed up to this one and just found my login again.

I would be really interested to know how things are going for u? Things seem to be going ok here.

Hi poppy blue & Carla,

thank you for sharing your stories, it really helps knowing people are going through the same thing. I'm in a v similar situation with a man I have been with for three years. And like u say he's so kind and caring and lovely and that's what makes it so much harder, but I found out a month ago he has a gambling addiction. Part of me knows and people are telling me to walk away now, I'm only 25 so could rebuild my life without him however I'm so in love with him and just want to help him get through this, I don't want to be without him but I am extremely hurt and don't know if he has fully acknowledged the extent of his problem yet as we are currently 'on a break'. He told me he needed to focus on his own demons and why he gambles before he can focus on our relationship. It's breaking my heart and I don't know what to do. I'm giving him the time and space that he asked for but it's hard, he says he's not gambled since the day I found out... But it's so hard to trust him after all the lies. Does he want time and space so he can gamble without me knowing..?! Am I being a total mug?! He has said he's going to GA meeting but I don't know. We are meeting up in a couple of weeks to talk things through... Do I just hope he finds his way back to me or will gambling always be his first love? 🙁 xx

To all the above.

You have a hard choice to make.

The people you describe are addicted gamblers and not taking you for mugs for fun or because they don't care or because they don't love you.

They just need to find a way to gamble no matter what as it is in control of them.

If you truly want to make your relationships work you must understand that they cannot be trusted full stop with money as it stands.

Access has to be stopped - not as punishment or to take over or belittle but simply to remove the possibility to gamble in the first place.

If your partners really want to stop and are ready then they will sacrifice this control and pass it to you if you have made the choice to understand them and support them in this difficult struggle.

It won't be easy but can be done.

SOME TIPS....

Joint accounts bad idea.....

Cash only account with low withdrawal limit good idea....(saving account with £100 daily limit available in banks with text alerts to your mobile so you can monitor any sudden spends instantly)

All other accounts need to be in your control/possesion at all times and checked regulally with strong rule from the offset of your partner cannot ask for control back for a while full stop else it just will undo all your good work for both of you as a couple.

Treat each other regually to reward maintaining the non gambling and make it clear that the money is 100% theirs just that this measure is to save the relationship and stop the gambling full stop.

Gamblers TRUST the non gambler it is your saving grace. This will be the only way to Guarantee success.

Make it clear to friends family that no money can be lent or borrowed or given to the gambler as it is not to help but to hinder.

Lastly - Declare everything now---every debt, every borrowing and hold nothing back...... as this is the sort of thing that will cause....oh my salary is just £this amount an not £this actual amount as i gotta pay kids back or dave at work as can't tell other half that aswell....etc.....

This is why it is a hard decision to make as you need to be ready to hear everything and not judge but love and take action together to get the love and trust back to where it needs to be.

Good luck my friends

Regards

Wayne

some useful suggestions there Wayne

keep it going tri

Thanks for sharing Wayne. And SL90 I really feel your pain. I am also a 25 year old, so could also rebuild my life. Each day I am going through different emotions and really don't know what to think anymore. How did you find out about your partners addiction? Are you living together also? How old is your partner? My partner has now not gambled for 2months, that I am aware of! Although we have had several lies coming out along the way, that have set us back, I've told him I can't deal with anymore lies and if there are anymore I will have to walk away, I'm finding it very difficult and sometimes am asking myself why I'm still here but when I'm with him and not thinking about the gambling, I love it, I love his company and him. I'm very confused about my future right now and am very hurt at how deceptive he's been but am not starting to realise that that's part of the addiction. It's been the most difficult 2 months of my life, I started a new job a week before I found out and I've been re ally struggerling because of this. It's tough!

poppy blue it is tough....especailly with starting a new job too.........if you feel good together without the gambling then great....there is your answer......work together to eradicate the gambling and you will be left with the good the love of each other.......just keep to the above rules to make it viable......the lies are caused by the addiction.....starve the addiction and the lies go too........

Best of luck.........

Each relationship has different elements but the gambling issue is the same problem in all........that's what needs fixing without blame but still with strengh and strong force.

Thanks so much Wayne, your advice is really helpful.

poppyblue I go through all those waves of emotions each day too. It's constantly on my mind. My partner is 24 and we have lived together for 18months. I found out as in the week leading up to me discovering it he was acting really out of character, things that wouldn't normally were really getting him down and upset and I didn't really understand why. He had also borrowed money from our joint account for 'Christmas presents' that never came, turned out he was at a casino. To be fair to him he put the money back when he got paid and has never missed a bill payment to do with the house. Then I guess in hindsight the months before I found out things weren't great, we were arguing a lot more and I found him a lot more irritable and lacking patience than before, more secretive with his phone... To be entirely honest at first I thought he was cheating on me!!! I got so concerned that week I checked his internet history and facebook messages and saw betting sites and loads of groups he was part of all about gambling tips and horse racing. I then confronted him but he still said 'I don't know what your talking about...' It wasn't until I said horse betting did he then say he has been gaming and had a problem... He sobbed telling me what he had done and the lies he had told. Broke my heart seeing him like that. However we agreed that we would get through it and it was him saying to me to take financial control. The first week after that we sort of plodded through but I hadn't properly dealt with the hurt and that came out towards him which in hindsight wasn't helpful I know but it was so hard, constantly worrying that he's going to gamble! &i also went through motions of hang on he's getting off scot free here when he's hurt me so bad, but I now understand that's part of the addiction. I can't take the lies personally. Anyway a week later he then said he needed a break from the relationship to focus on his own demons and why he gambles before he can focus on rebuilding us 🙁 he does say he thinks our love is strong enough to get through it etc but I'm struggling! Each day does get easier tho but part of me thinks he's doing it because he's still gambling and wants me out the way and then part of me believes that he's genuine and he needs to do this... I fought hard against this time apart tho, it was the last thing I wanted, I wanted us to do it together, we've always been a team. The time for myself has been really good too tho. Lots of yoga and relaxation I would reccomend! Really gives u time to switch off from it all. I just need to hope when I meet up with him next week to talk things over that he's a wee bit further forward, I know what I need to do after reading all the advice on these forums and it gives me hope that there's couples like yourselves who are getting trough this and I'll tell him that! Anyway I've absolutely blabbed on now. I hope your partner continues to stay gamble free... I really do, I can tell how much you love and care for him. Xx