Hi, my recently ex-partner battled with a gambling addiction for almost two years. I had previously bailed him out multiple times, after being promised for a new beginning, a fresh start and given a number of dates by which it would all be okay and our money problems would be solved.
I was under the impression that the gambling had stopped a year or so ago, when in reality it had got so bad that he had borrowed money off of me, his friend and also used the money from his holiday he had booked with friends to fuel his habit. I was promised it was over, that he had changed when really he would be gambling multiple times a day to try and break himself out of the mess he had made.
It had got to the point where I was being emotionally abused because of how unhappy he was with himself and the addiction. He would call me stupid constantly, shout at me in public, humiliate me, point out my biggest flaws and insecurities and constantly drag me down. He had become an unrecognisable monster and I reached breaking point.
It has been 3 weeks since we broke up and I have seen him multiple times. He has handed over all finances to his brother, who now has complete control of his money, as well the monitored internet and phone etc. He has been to recovery groups 2 times but is now reocvering with the aid of his family.
I have seen a huge change in him. He is the man that I fell in love with at the beginning of our relationship and the monster I had grown to know is no where in sight. My question is: can he really change so quickly? Will I be burdened by this? Will it go back to how it was, the emotional abuse etc? I honestly am in love with this man and would love to spend my life with him. I'm just heartbroken at the moment and am not sure if the cycle will just begin again. Please help me as I am reaching breaking point!
People can change,
But the gambler has to know the triggers and why they gamble there will be an under lying issue that as hard as it will be needs to come out. Maybe he is just chasing his loses they will never come back they are gone we can not look in the past only forward.
If this man is truly going to change then he has to want to change, handing over finances is a good start he needs to put blocks in place self exclude from betting shops, change his phone to a standard phone no internet access put blocking software on laptops, phones ect.
And maybe the hardest one of all go speak to a counseller get some help he has to show he wants to change not just talk about it he needs to do it.
Oh stop bailing him out, tell his family not to bail him out tell all his friends not to lend him money. remember he got himself into this s**t he has to realise the mess and utter destruction he has caused by gambling.
So after all that can people change Yes they can but they have to want it, anyone can talk the talk but can they walk the walk only time will tell.
Keep your distance from him for a few months even after a year people on here slip up and go back to it. The devil is always on our shoulders but we need to be bigger and better to fight it off.
Anyway that is just my thoughts at the end of the day you need to work it out for yourself nobody can tell you what to do or what not to do but you know the risks involved are you prepared to take that risk?
All the best
Malc
Im my view the answer to your question is no......i dont believe a gambler can change in such a short period.
Dont get me wrong at this point they might feel brialliant and all feels well but unless they have dealt with the demons that make them gamble, and have had an long period of non gambling, my advice would be not to trust them at the moment.
That doesnt mean that it cannot be down and you cannot support them from a far but if you feel you can.
Nobody deserves the emotional abise you have been getting from him...it is a gamblers way of hiding away and not having to deal with their own problems.
The final choice is yours but i would advise you to look at getting some counselling yourself.....or even better get yourself along to a GamAnon meeting.
Damo
Hi Anonon,
Thanks very much for your post, and for making us aware of what you’re going through at this stage of your life. It seems like you’ve been experiencing a lot of emotional and psychological pain due to your ex partner’s gambling problem.
Much as you didn’t want to break up with him, I think taking a break from each other will give both of you the opportunity to reflect about what has been going on, come to terms with it, and to find a better way of moving forward.
I suggest that you take good steps to look after yourself and your finances. Try not to give him any cash as a form of support, as that would be fuelling his gambling habit. Perhaps you’d like to encourage him to seek help from us for his gambling problem; he really must work hard through this, and to let go of all his losses as the money is gone for good.
Having said that he’s the man you love and care about but, at the same time, he’s the one responsible for your emotional pain, and not forgetting the financial strains that he’s put you through, you really must see an honest change of behaviour in him before you make a decision about going back to him or, whether to call it a day. The decision is yours to make, and only time would tell.
In case you feel some counselling support will help you to cope with your situation better, please don’t hesitate to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and request for a referral.
Also try your best to stay in touch with us, and keep posting!
Best wishes,
Beatrice
Hi, I am in a very similar situation to yourself and am living apart from my husband. After a few weeks of wallowing in self pity he has taken steps to get help and is attending GA, and this week started counselling. He has fully admitted to his gambling which is an excellent start....but....it is very early days. You can be so glad at the change that you forget (initially) everything you have been through. He has changed but only time will tell if he can maintain this change. It must feel new to him not to be gambling....say a new lease of life at all the things he was missing. But when the novelty of that wears off then will be the real test. I would also like to point out that you also need time....you cannot possibly get rid of your hurt, anger and resentment in such a short space of time. You need time to process things (on your own) he needs time to sort himself out and get help. 2 times at the GA is nowhere near enough. Write down all he has done to you, read it everyday, never become complacent. You cannot put a time on his recovery but also write down everything you want from him and when he is meeting those things on a constant and long term basis then you can gradually let him back into your life. I highly recommend counselling for yourself. I don't live near a gamcare one but I am counselling and it is helping me to stay realistic and not accept any less than I deserve. You also have to acknowledge that this is a life long addiction. if you choose to get back with him, you will be dealing with his addiction for the rest of your lives together....that doesn't mean he will always be gambling but he will always need support to keep him gamble free. It is extremely difficult to beat it alone and even though family are supporting him, are they qualified? Are they the most helpful people for him? A qualified counseller for him and the GA where he can hear and relate to real life people at different stages of recovery are what he needs. Good luck....I know how if feels xx
Hi, I would like to second what Mumof3 says. I have been separated from my husband for close to 6 months now and I'm still trying to work whether or not I could ever move forward with him and give him another chance.
I think all f&f know the feeling of relief when gambling is finally exposed, there's always a feeling of a fresh start which lasts a month or 2 until the same patterns and behaviours start emerging.
I see my husband once or twice a week and am very open about the fact that this is enough for me for now while I figure out what's best for me and what I really want long term, I also know that this indecision can't go on forever.
He seems to be making very positive steps in his recovery...meetings, a good job, being alot more open, exercising and doing positive things with his spare time etc.
I would echo all of the other posters...people can change but it takes alot of time and sustained effort and my advice in the meantime would be by all means stay in touch if that's what you want but do so at a distance. I moved into my own place and I feel I have the peace of mind and security i've been craving for so long and that is priceless. Good luck and stay strong...time to put you first x
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