I’m to blame now!

bless you, that must be a hard one to take…. Have you tried talking to him about it properly? Does he do it online? Have you tried telling him you want to be in control of the money from now on it’s just a thought maybe it would help him. It seems to me like he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to own or face up to what he’s been doing and that he has a problem and that’s the worst part of it. I really hope you can get things sorted out. Always here if you need a chat x

Hi Joshua,

Thanks for replying..I’m finding hard to even look at him at the minute I told him it’s over for good ..it’s only been a few months since I caught him betting online and he sed then that he would closed his accounts and would I give him one more chance to prove he cared.. and here I am again. I feel like I’ve wasted the best years of my life with him.. (obviously our two boys are the only good thing that’s came from the relationship) the rest feels like one big lie! I told him last time too it’s the lies that hurt…as far as I know it’s never been massive amounts of money… although I can’t be sure about that either now .

Hes always been secretive about money we have separate bank accounts and I’ve never ever seen a bank statement or a pay slip.. I think we’ve lived separate lives for longer than I thought and looking back we probably weren’t that close.. he was and is just sooo sneaky.. it almost feels like a weights been lifted.

I don’t want a partner I have to mother and constantly check up on and control his money!! I wanted someone who’s got my back and pulls me up when I’m feeling down.. which isn’t very often cos I’m such a positive happy and outgoing person normally  …he is the complete opposite to me … and that gap and the addiction has sadly ended the relationship.. I’m not sure where to go or what to do with myself.. feel like I’m in a nightmare.. Thankyou for listening to me prattle on ☺️ X

I know exactly how you feel...my husband has been trying to quit betting for 8 years now & every time he just goes back to it. We have two young kids & I just feel sorry for them as this is effecting them. Once he gets obsessed with the betting, he literally has no care for what is going on around him & has no time for anyone.

The part you said about separate lives is exactly the same for us. My husband never shows me his payslips or bank statements whereas I have always been open about my finances. 

Reading the posts on this forum has made me realise how all the behaviours I have seen in my husband are the same for anyone who has a gambling addiction. At least I know I'm not going crazy & he really does have a big problem. 

Good luck with everything. I hope things get better for you. x

Hi confused! 
Thankyou for the reply.. It’s horrible isn’t it?? I’ve stayed so long because they are very good at working their way back .. all the promises and how things will change.. I’m just so so tired on living like this. The last time he sed he was going to stop I told he needed to channel some passion into his life and family but he’s very lethargic in general. He started growing veg but then quickly he decided there was money to be made in hanging baskets!! And bought 8!!! But denied he was wanting to sell them…but I know him and his lies better than he knows himself!  Don’t get me wrong he’s a good worker at work and never off sick but then again hes worked in the same place since he was 18 and it’s not long hours.. 8 til 4.30 monday to Friday. However it’s a different story when he’s home… has his tea and a two hour bath ( probably online betting in there) then watches tv all night til bedtime… no diy or days out with the kids unless I nag …or give him the petrol money!!! He’s always trying to claw money somehow…it’s horrible and I probably didn’t realise how bad it’s got until I started to write it down in this forum? 
Do you feel like giving him another chance? And is he remorseful and sorry? I often wonder if he’s more sorry he’s been caught out that anything else. 
big hugs… it’s sad there’s so many of us in this nightmare xx Take care of you and your kids x

Really sorry to read this but i’m glad you’re able to use the forum as an avenue to vent out and connect with others who have similar experiences. Personally, it sounds to me that he’s not ready to quit yet and unfortunately you can’t force a compulsive gambler to stop, and usually they will only want to stop when they’re at their rock bottom. For me the true measure that he’s ready to quit is he lists down a strategy plan, is proactive about it and follows it up with action. This should always include (at least initially) someone else managing or monitoring his finances. This person should be someone who is strict and he can’t manipulate. His credit report should also be accessible in case he’s racking up debts/loans.

Until he’s ready to quit, you need to focus on protecting yourself and your finances. And perhaps reflect on the situation - will you be ok to wait until he’s ready?

I wish you all the best.

P

Hi pep1952,

Thanks for the reply.. I think your right because he only even makes a small chance and it’s always when he’s been caught out! Within the last 2years he’s barred himself from the betting shops after I found betting slips…then he got found out again .. and closed his online accounts ( so he reckons?) and this time he promised faithfully things were going to get better and he had stopped… annnd yeah here I am.. AGAIN. I know it’s a illness but he’s making me ill and need to think about our boys and the future now … I can’t spend my life watching and wondering if he’s back doing it! 

I have a good network of family and friends although some don’t yet know the full extent yet.

im thinking a need to see a family solicitor/lawyer too.. the house was mine when we met 20 yrs ago .. in my name only but a few years later we did a remortgage and added him so we could get some work done to it..and of course we were happy and planning a future together.

fast forward to now .. all the other household bills are in my name… and everything comes out of my account . I deal with anything to do with the home and family. In previous posts I mentioned that he doesn’t really pay for much £150 towards the mortgage ( it was £200 but he’s took £50 a month off cos I bought our son a pc on his credit card!! Yup our son!!! ) and he also gives me  £6 a week water bill and £100 council tax a month and  .. the rest of his pay is his basically . He will buy a frugal food shop twice a month but it’s basic and he tries to skimp where he can! 
I’m rambling again … but you get the idea .. worse thing is he just doesn’t seem bothered at all that it’s over and I’m struggling with the aftermath. I’m still trying to get my head round the face that it’s been yet another lie! I’m pretty sure he’s waiting for me to calm down and then he will try the usual story again to get me back!! 

Thankyou for all your advice it is much appreciated and helps a lot ?x

To be honest my husband doesn't even seem sorry..not even the fake kind either..just acts like it's a non issue & I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

My husband is the same..comes home from work and either hogs the TV (doesn't even let the kids watch cartoons cos he takes the remote) or is glued to his mobile or laptop...it's such a waste of life. I mean there's so many things he could be doing in that time. It's like he is going to work to pay for his gambling addiction...not for us his family but for his gambling.

I really hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel but it doesn't seem like it at the moment.

You'd think with the whole covid situation everyone would re-assess what is important in their life but I guess some people still don't get it.

Oh they sound so alike! I feel the same as you… he acts completely soulless and like he’s about 90! I look at him and think wow you have the simplest life work tv bet sleep repeat! He’s got absolutely no get up and go or passion for anything( apart from making money /betting ) and I’m the total opposite ..well I was but very slowly I feel like he’s drained it away! Even the kids don’t ask him for money or to do anything because dad won’t let us or dad  just too grumpy… his relationship is really bad with my oldest he’s 15 and he hates him! The little one is very forgiving even though he is snappy and unreasonable with him sometimes…he still loves his dad bless him . 

it’s so hard because we still have to live together but I can’t bear to look at him … he’s in my youngests single bed at the min but he wasn’t happy …he was shocked when I sed we can no longer share a bed …he sed “well you can sleep in the small bed then”!?!? Erm why the hell should I? I replied.. “I’ve done nothing wrong!!!.

I really hope things will work out … but I can’t see a way forward now .. there’s so much deceit and heartbreak xx 

Thanks again for listening I never thought I’d be able to talk with someone would has the same problems!! X

I know what you mean...I always find myself doubting everything my husband says..the lies have been too often that I now no longer trust anything he says.

Maybe the tough love will help your other half realise what is truly important to him.  Have you noticed any change?

I think with my husband I have let it go on for so long now that he just assumes I'll just live with it. But that's not how it works. I have to think of my kids first and the way things are going, they would be better off without him. He is ruining our futures. He wasn't this bad when we got married the first couple of years but since then his addiction has become worse. And he is always coming up with money making ideas and then totally becomes oblivious to everything. What he doesn't realise is that there is no way to make quick easy money. In this life we have to work hard for what we want.

Yup your so right there is no easy way out! Makes money is about working for it no easy way to do it… today has been no different to the past couple of weeks … it’s horrible …the atmosphere in the house is dismal ..well for me it is… he seems completely indifferent to the whole situation which is reallly getting my back up! He is totally fine with the situation we’re in! I almost feel like he’s thinking .. oh well I’ve been caught out again nowt I can do about it now so I will just give up until she backs down … he can’t say sorry or start the conversation it’s always me who wants to talk …  but I really can’t see a way back and the more he acts like he’s done nothing wrong the more I feel like this is really over now.. if I start talking to him he literally just shuffles about and says nothing or gets really defensive and says it’s my fault!!! It’s doing my already battered mental health No good living like this but he won’t move out. I’m well n truly stuck! 
Oh Thankyou for listening again .. it’s nice to talk to someone who just gets it .. take care xx

Posted by: Leeslies

Yup your so right there is no easy way out! Makes money is about working for it no easy way to do it… today has been no different to the past couple of weeks … it’s horrible …the atmosphere in the house is dismal ..well for me it is… he seems completely indifferent to the whole situation which is reallly getting my back up! He is totally fine with the situation we’re in! I almost feel like he’s thinking .. oh well I’ve been caught out again nowt I can do about it now so I will just give up until she backs down … he can’t say sorry or start the conversation it’s always me who wants to talk …  but I really can’t see a way back and the more he acts like he’s done nothing wrong the more I feel like this is really over now.. if I start talking to him he literally just shuffles about and says nothing or gets really defensive and says it’s my fault!!! It’s doing my already battered mental health No good living like this but he won’t move out. I’m well n truly stuck! 
Oh Thankyou for listening again .. it’s nice to talk to someone who just gets it .. take care xx

Honestly it is the same here..we haven't split up or anything but we are not speaking to each other properly. We only talk to each other if necessary & you're right it does feel like an awful atmosphere. He acts as if I have done something wrong when it is him who has done something wrong. 

So now I'm just going to focus on the kids and try not to get too worked up about all this. Although I know this time he must have gotten himself into a massive debt. A few months ago he was spending up to £1000 in one day on bets ? I don't even want to imagine how much he owes the bank.

Thanks for listening too. It honestly sounds like we are going through similar situation. Let's hope they can sort themselves out..if not for us then at least for their kids. x

Exactly you would think the kids would be a reason to stop … I’m the same I feel like our horror stories are very similar… do you think he would ever starting talking and look like he really cares?..without a nudge from you? and also the experts said that you should take  total control of his money and also get credit reports.. I don’t think mine will ever agree to that and also if I’m honest… I would probably resent it.. I want a relationship where we care trust and respect each other .. there’s non of that here.. I’m not sure there ever has been x 

Posted by: Leeslies

Exactly you would think the kids would be a reason to stop … I’m the same I feel like our horror stories are very similar… do you think he would ever starting talking and look like he really cares?..without a nudge from you? and also the experts said that you should take  total control of his money and also get credit reports.. I don’t think mine will ever agree to that and also if I’m honest… I would probably resent it.. I want a relationship where we care trust and respect each other .. there’s non of that here.. I’m not sure there ever has been x 

I doubt it...I mean it's been over a week and he doesn't seem bothered to me. It's like he has no emotions anymore. It's like he is not even alive.

I tried the controlling finances when I first found out about his gambling. It worked for some time & then eventually I stopped checking the accounts because it felt like I was babysitting him or something. I thought he had overcome his addiction so I stopped checking. He started up again at some point & I didn't even realise. And now if I ask to see accounts, he flat out refuses or ignores me.

He is completely insane. He is obviously in so much debt but thinks he can bet his way out of it...it's like hello genius betting is what got you into this mess, so how will it help you get out of it??? ? Honestly the stupidity just gets me every time. It's like I have a third child. God help me... 

Hiya,

yes same in this house I stupidly trusted again and again over the years although he has never gave me access to anything to do with his finances… I’m really starting to get upset again tonight.. i thought I was doing ok. He’s came in tonight and got in the bath got dressed up and went out. He’s done this a few times in the last couple of weeks…it’s stressing me out … I’m heartbroken that he can just get on with day to day life and not give a backward glance at the carnage he’s caused! How can he just sweep it all under the carpet and get on with it knowing he’s lost his family life?? 
although  he probably thinks he hasn’t because he’s refusing to move out but still wants to carry on without thinking about his family? He was even singing to himself the other day like he’s happy!!?!?  I wonder if anyone else on here thinks this is strange behaviour and does it look like he’s bothered at what he’s done? Is he ready to give up gambling for good? I’m so down tonight.. 20 Years of my life wasted on him. It’s just so painful to watch him not give a d**n.