is it my fault?

No its not your fault, but I wish gambling addiction was as simple as many perceive it. I wish it was a simple case of being a choice but that's not always the reality. So what can you do? Keep learning about the addiction and how it works, keep putting in better safeguards. For example, he clearly has access to large sums of money. This might be one of the next barriers that has to change. Change in recovery can sometimes be a slow and painful process but it is possible. Is he going to Gamblers Anonymous or any other support group either?

Sure some more of the family members will be on soon, but I just wanted to give you a spiritual hug and say your not alone. Keep getting as much support as you can. By the way, have you had counselling from Gamcare? Your entitled and it might be helpful to get you through this. Tri

Hi tootsie,

Well done for coming to talk about how your husband's gambling is affecting you, there is a lot of support on here, so that you are not alone in dealing with this. I can see that you have already had a reply from one of our Forum members.

Yes it is not your fault, and he will keep on doing what he wants to do, until he decides that he want help, and there is help when he reaches that point. It seems like he has had some successful moments in his recovery, and he has had slips sometimes, which is not excusable but very common in recovery. However it will be good if he is prepared to get up and carry on with his covery, and also to learn from the causes of the slip so that he can avoid them in future, which seems to have been the case, as you talked about his three slips. There are stratergies that he can put in place to help him not to have access to gambling if he does not want to gamble, and it seems like some stratergies or (safe guarding) as it seems to be the term he uses have been helpful to have enabled him to stop gambling for sometime. What ever those are he could continue with them, and add a bit more of asking for help in controlling his finances as well, as if he has no access to his finances he may not have the capacity to gamble. You mentioned that 'you are taking care of finances whiles he pays off the debt', however it seems like this is not working as he is having access to money to gamble, maybe you could look at how you could control all the finances including making sure the debts are paid if he would like you to help.

You mentioned that he is receiving counselling from Gamcare, counselling can be very helpful if the person is ready, and Gamcare do not give counselling to Gamblers alone, we also give counselling to love ones of Gamblers, which means that you can also access Counselling from us, this can help you to explore how his gambling is affecting you, and also help you to look at how you could take care of you and your children.

You can also call our Free Helpline and talk to one of our advisors if you want to talk, or if you want us to help you to access counselling.

Take Care

Regards

Florence

Forum Admin.

Duplicate

Hi, Tootsie,

The three Cs: you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.

There's no link between you going away and him gambling and if there were such a link, he would be controlling you, ie the risk of him gambling would curtail what you do. Presumably you want to live your life without your happiness and peace of mind being determined by what he does? It's not easy to let go but subject to protecting yourself and the kids, it's the best advice. Control the finances for your own protection but don't feel that you can't relax in case he gambles. And if that's not possible, maybe think about what changes you need to make to your situation so that it is possible.

Also, whatever they get out of gambling is instant, recovery isn't, it takes time, effort, patience and real commitment, all ongoing, not qualities associated with active addiction. Change can happen but it's not overnight.

For you, you're hurt and angry because of his behaviour but a few of his counselling sessions won't change that. Again, time might help (less so if he's gambling again) but the best advice is to take help for you to deal with your burden. I find GamAnon helpful and I attend therapy. But getting over it is still huge for me, even though he's gf and trying hard to change himself.

Hope some this helps, take care,

CW

Thank you all for your comments. Florence, I did ring the helpline once in desperation and the man I spoke to was uninterested and not at all helpful. It sounded as though I had inconvenienced him by calling. With regards to my husbands funds, he needs access to an account because of his job for which he needs to get fuel for his car daily. This time he used cash he had been paid, the debit card and then money from our joint account. When I comfronted him yesterday it was worse than I thought: over £1000 in a day. Yes I suppose we could get him a fuel card but quite honestly I am sick and tired of babysitting him and having to catch him out constantly. If I'd wanted another child I would have had one!! Harsh but how I feel. Yes. he's had counselling from Gamcare after which he declared that he better understood the reasons he gambles but he has fallen by the wayside quicker this time after the couselling. Apparently he called him cousellor after this relapse and she is going to speak to him again in a couple of weeks. Of course I want him to be able to move on with his life but I also need to move on with mine and look after my children and I've made the decision that we need to separate. This time is the straw that broke the camels back. It has a detrimental effect on my health and well being and I've had enough. The three big relapses are the ones I know about, I have no doubt there have been others. As we all know, CGs are liars. He had this addiction long before I met him and didnt tell me until after we were married and he's got himself into financial trouble. Had I known I would never have married him and had a family. This forum is full of similar stories to mine, many several years longer and it gives me no hope whatsoever that the situation will improve. I no longer have any love or respect for my husband, he has eroded it every time he walks into a betting shop and pours hundreds of hard earned pounds into a machine without a thought for his children or me. Why are we encouraged to keep flogging a dead horse and keep persisting with our miserable existences ? Why doesnt someone say "Get out as quickly as you can and get on with your life"?

Hi, Tootsie,

It has been said, see Lucky Escape. But you don't need permission to say that enough's enough for you and go from there. You make the decisions that are right for you and your kids.

Take care,

CW