Is it time to walk away?

Hi Sunday

I am in the exact same position as you, wondering if its time to call it quits and walk away. My husband has always liked a bet at the weekend and i didn’t have a problem with that, the problem came when he decided to use the online sites, today i’ve found out he’s blown £240 yesterday, money we dont have, we have no kids either but i’m just sick to death of the lies all the time and there’s no trust, when i speak to him later there will be tears on his part, he’ll promise not to do it again, will say he’ll not do it again etc but i just dont beleive him. I do love him and he’s a good man in many ways but like you i dont want him to have this problem, i’ve gone on his online accounts and self excluded him on certain things but he just finds something else to gamble on, horse racing seems to be the thing now. I hate how it makes me feel to, constantly on edge etc. I know i’ve not given you much advice but just to let you know you’re not alone. x

Hi guys. The demon of gambling addiction has got your partner's gripped in its clutches. Both of you have correctly identified 1 you probably don't know the full extent and unless they have that "tell all moment" you may never know. 2 gambling is a progressive addiction and what you are seeing now is an escalation in their gambling habits  where the lying ,deceit , debt and destruction occurs 3 when an addict gets caught and says sorry they really do mean it . But unfortunately the addiction is strong and unless there are consequences of getting caught the behaviour just gets repeated and the gambler becomes more sneaky and better at covering their tracks. How do I know all this.....because I am the recovering gambler in my relationship. I got caught out early one Friday morning just over 6 weeks ago and the consequences to me were immediate, my husband took full control of our finances he changed all passwords, pin numbers etc I have no access to any accounts, he gives me money for shopping etc. Is it easy for me.... No..is it necessary....oh yes. I don't know if he will ever trust me with our money I don't know if I want him to trust me. Now the gambling fog has lifted I'm starting to feel more like my oldself I wasn't brought up to lie and cheat really against my core values. I've used an app called gamstop to block my access to gambling websites and along with the help on this forum these things although not cures are really useful tools to help you stop gambling and give your mind a chance to heal. Addiction / mental illness all one thing really whilst being gamble free you access help to find out what is going to help you recover and stay gamble free. You 2 must must put yourselves first and get help for yourselves Gamcare gives help to family partners etc of gamblers if you haven't already ring the helpline use the live chat to get yourselves help and advice. I  could write a lot more but as usual I'm drained, writing these posts take a lot out of me, but also trying to help others is very important to me and is helping my recovery. Best wishes to both of you whatever you decide

Thank you so much for your reply, i hope your recovery goes well. I have contacted the website and spoke with an advisor from Gamcare which has really helped. Can i just ask you doing Gamstop which blocks you did that help at all and does it work straight away, if he did that would it stop him opening up more accounts and useing the ones he has?

No thank you, it is good just to hear that your not alone and I think speaking to people in similar situations really helps you to stop doubting yourself. As soon as the apologies and the tears come it’s almost like everything I have previously said goes out the window. 

I am just fed up and I read a lot of articles I know this isn’t going to be a quick fix. I feel guilty and I feel selfish because right now his gambling isn’t affecting me in terms of my finances but I just want to get out before it gets to that.

Thank you for your honesty. It is really brave of you to jump into this discussion because I’m talking from the other side of things.

You sound like you are on the right track and focussed and I wish you all the best x

Hiya Sunday 

It's a hard one as you will see from this site there's a lot off help out there but you've got to want it and at the moment it doesn't seem to be at that stage for your husband. The first thing is you have to confront him and see where you go from there but if he lies like all us problem gamblers do then produce the evidence. If he's not bothered and only you will know this then you may have to walk just to shock him into reality. What made me stop is when I lost nearly  £8000 in the space of 1hr online, this was a relapse after being gamble free for over a year. I only went on to spend  £10 thinking no one will know but you see where I eanded up and it was through my partners PayPal so really I stole the money leaving us in thousands of pound worth of debt. But I don't know how much money your husband has to play with as he may be under the dissolution that he can chase the money therefore winning it back but this isn't always the case so until he has nothing and up to his neck in debt he may not want to realize. After what I did I had to use a food bank two times that really ashamed me, but I was left with nothing you don't want your husband getting to that stage plus make sure that your own funds and joint money is secure because when his funds run dry he will have to get them from somewhere gambling turns you into a devil lie, cheat, steal you name it you will go there. I really hope you can get him to see this before it's too late, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink 

Yes gamstop stops immediate access to all uk websites. Think about registering your details as well as most gamblers me included open accounts in their partners names/ details. There are other blockers you can use but I have found gamstop enough for me it's free and easy to set up.

Thank you for that, i spoke with him and he says he is going to let me log his e mail address with Gamstop to stop him been able to gamble online, i’m also going to log my e mail address and work e mail address so he cant register with mine at all. The proof is in the oudding i guess and if it doesnt happen then he knows its over.

I really hope this time he means it.

So do I Tilly. Time will tell, I'm hoping for good things for you.

Thank you for sharing your story Kevthekev. I do really appreciate speaking to people in similar situations because I think I’ve been in denial myself and thought I could handle it alone and just thought ‘oh this would never happen to us’ but this addiction is very real and very scary how it sucks people in so quickly.

I think your right I need to confront the problem and go from there but I think everything I have read I already no and also I think I am just hesitant to confront because I no what type of reaction I am going to get and I don’t want to fall for it again. I think this time I have more information that I can pass on to him for support wise and can only ask that he tries to help himself, if he wants to save the relationship he will do what it takes x

Hiya Sunday 

As you say I think you know what's ahead of you but I also believe by what you've said that your ready for the outcome plus you don't know he might be so glad to finally get it all out as the lies just pull you under it's such a relief to stop having to lie and actually admit I've got this problem I can't just brush under the carpet , I can't just say I'll stop as if being honest we know it's just not that easy. But as long as he's willing to get help and not just one piece off help but as much as you can also got to realise how dangerous an addiction gambling harm is. They even have a specialized nhs gambling harm plus mental health problems service in a lot off places now as they realize how dangerous an addiction it is plus the life's that are being lost, I wish you the best and hope he gets the help he needs and is open and honest with you plus I don't know your partner so if he wanted to talk I would let him know what it's done to me.