6 days ago my partner admitted he is a gambler. We have taken all the practical steps - closed his account and credit card, put his wage into our joint account but cancelled his cards and changed all the log in details, applied for credit reports, got an age restricted block on his phone (looking into other blocks). He self excluded from websites infront of me, has gone to his first ga, is getting counselling organised. He says he never wants to gamble again and is happily handing over all control of cash to me. I feel at this stage he is doing everything he can.
He said he found these forums really useful so I came on....but I feel more desolate after an hour on here than I did in the last 6 days.
Has anyone got a story of a relationship that has survived?.....or am kidding myself?
Hi there LizzyB
Welcome to the forum, we hope you will get some encouraging responses from our Forum Members soon. In the meantime we wanted to offer a bit of hope based on our experience. In answer to your question yes it is possible for relationships to survive. Often forum members may post more regularly when they are struggling and having to cope with the raw and difficult realities that the gambling problem can present, so you see some difficult stories here. When couples have worked at communication and building trust they may not be posting so often, so you may not be seeing a balanced perspective right now. It sounds like your partner is very motivated and actively taking steps at recovery which is encouraging, you may also find it helpful to consider some support for yourself, you would be welcome to contact our services to discuss your options, wishing you all the best.
Forum Admin
Lizzy.
A life after gambling?
My name is Duncan I am a recovering compulsive gambler, I have been a member of this forum since January 2012 and gamble free for more than two years, during my time here I have relapsed into feeding my addiction once.
I share my recovery with my wife and our three children.
I believe recovery for them is as important as it is for me and we whole heartedly share the journey.
For me GA saved my life for twenty years I relentlessly fed my addiction, progressively I lied,stole and did ever worse things to do so, without doubt I put gambling before everything else, eventually I gambled to the point were we faced having our house re possessed and finally sort to take my own life.
I thought it would be a gift to my family, that it would end the hurt i brought.
A chain of events led me to seek help, I returned home and for the first time in twenty years was truly honest with my family.
My advice is your partner needs to get everything out in the open, any hidden financial damage will in my mind without doubt hinder recovery.
Embrace recovery, be honest about your own feelings because they are important.
We had our first holiday abroad last year, today we enjoy a relaxed simple life, I no longer feel that I am not worthy of what I have, I stopped looking over the fence and concentrate on living.
The fact that your partner has relinquished financial control is a good thing, ensuring that it continues is paramount, I often felt like Sarah had a forth child to care for but having no access to money was and is a huge help.
Today I have a respect for our hard earned and what we can achieve without me feeding addiction.
I was gifted this on my first day in recovery
There is a triangle
Time-money-location
Take one away at all times and the next punt is impossible.
The result is you win without waging a single penny.
I lived by a mantra
I cannot win because I cannot stop.
There is a wealth of help out there take it all.
Has your partner started a recovery diary?
I maintain mine most days because it gifts great therapy.
I hope with all my heart that you are gifted the same.
Regards duncs. Stepping forward never back.
Thank you Admin and thank you Duncan. I don't know about the diary, I will ask him. Thank you for your honesty. It means so much.
Thanks halflife
Hi LizzyB,
I have gambled for many years but it only became an issue in the last few years. During my time as a compulsive gambler i turned into a horrible person who was only interested in when i could visit the bookies and how i would finance it.
I last gambled April 2015 after being "found out". The web of lies unravelled and my dirty secret was out.
I was given the ultimatum of bookies or wife/family.
We are together and our marriage is going from strength to strength. No more lies. We work hard at our relationship and have spent so much more quality time together recently. Yep money is tight but its not all about that.
A happy ending is very possible and i wish you well.
Best wishes
Hi Lizzy,
I hope your feeling a little better today.
Finding out about gambling will always be a shock and can lead your life into dispair. when i found out my partner was a compulsive gambler i didnt know what to do, who to speak to, what to think and i thought that my life as i knew it was over.
Once the shock settled in i uderstood this to be an illness.... and that is not an excuse for the lies, deceit and upset but it helped me to think of it like that.
The best thing i did was find a GA support meeting and go along... i felt like i didnt want to talk to anyone about this and i would just cry but thats ok there.. everyone knows and understands and it helps you being able to speak openly and freely about your feelings and how the compulsive gambler has made you feel. Have you been along to one yet? i really think that might help you process whats going on?
i have been aware of my partners gambling now for only 1.5 years... and i can say this has turned my world upside down.
A huge mistake i made was thinking i could change the addiction and change my partner...that if i trusted him slowely everything would be fine... and you cant. You cannot trust them again with money, with joint account cards or with the computer. you must trust your instincts and always be careful. if you do allow them access to money again it is likely they may gamble again.
In my situation i have only recently come to understand that there must never be access to any money and with that comes our last opportunity. My partner and I both know there are no more chances and any more lies will lead to us sepersting but I actually feel ok about that. You need to be as strong as possible and get yourself into a good space where you feel that you can walk away if you want too and that is your choice to have.
In GA i met so many lovely supportive ladies and men who are in loving and happy relationships and I feel as though this becomes more of a lifestyle change (being in control of all finances etc) rather than a weight on your shoulders and slowely but surely things can fall into place.
I believe that there can be happy endings.. but these may be a slightly distorted vision to one you may have had before you were aware of the issue but trust your instincts, be open and seek support from others who have been through this too.
Things can be tough but also couples can work through this. try to not give up hope yet xxx
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