I've been married to my husband for 3 years and we have been together for nearly 6 years. I knew he gambled but was naive to think that it was just for fun. 4 years ago he admitted it was a problem, sat and cried and asked for my help. I've been understanding and have tried to help, taking his cards off him and feeding him small amounts of cash. That worked for a couple of months and then he kept begging for his cards back, or access to the internet so he could play bingo, he said it was free gifts he was playing with and i believed him. Last year he took the option of the 'draw down' thing on his pension, paid off his credit card and paid for a cruise. I've just found out he has gambled it all, there's nothing left, not only that, he's maxed his credit card out and spent all his wages.
So i have confronted him. Only to be told it's my fault, he pays the bills and buys the food (he earns twice as much as I do), so whatever is left its up to him what he does with it. He said its not up to him to pay for everything and thats why we dont go out anymore or do things together. I've had to sit there and explain everything that comes out of my bank, what i'm left with and what i spend it on (usually things for the house) or hobbies like knitting, so i have things to do while he has the sport on most evenings. He complains that he does everything round the house during the week (he finishes at 4 and I don't get home till after 6), that was his choice when we talked about me going back to full-time work. Now he's even thrown s*x into it and said he has to have it every 3 days or he gets agitated and consequently he has to go and gamble.
When we were first married his excuse was that I worked shifts and got bored, so I came off shifts and worked 9-5
So as you can see its all my fault he gambles at least 1k a month.
I'm sat here crying, i'm gutted, i feel worthless and ashamed
It is absolutely NOT your fault. They make the story up in their heads to absolve themselves of guilt. An active CG is delusional and beleive their own lies.
I would strongly suggest getting some help for yourself... Gam Anon, or counselling. The way you are living is NOT normal no matter what your husband thinks or says. Getting help for yourself will give you some much needed perspective!
Please look after yourself... take the focus off him and think about you.
Cathyx
I reiterate from above...this is most definitely NOT YOUR FAULT!
A typical CG who will pass the blame for their actions onto anyone and anything else rather than face the blame of his S****y actions! Excuse my language. He will convince himself that what he says is true and pass you off as mad for thinking and believing and knowing otherwise.
Unfortunately, you have now seen the depths that a CG will go to to do what he wants to do and it hurts.
As written above, please get some help for you now....counselling or GamAnon, chat on the netline here or call the helpline.
There is so much out there now for f&f of addicts...and that's what he is, whatever else he tries to convince you of otherwise! Read up, gather advice and contact any relevant agencies for help and support.
Think long and hard about what you are prepared to live with and put up with from him. You deserve better and the way he is making you live is not right and it's not fair. Now is the time to take back control for you and make sure you concentrate on your happiness not his. He certainly isn't doing that and sounds like he has a very selfish attitude...what's his is his and what's yours is fair game!
Keep posting, you are worth so much more, don't let him drag you down.
Best wishes,
Take care.....Sad x
Hi, HS,
Sorry to hear how bad you feel, have been there. But for your own sake, understand two things: Firstly, your husband has got you right where he wants you. Secondly, the only person who can change your situation is you.
I would advise you to read the forum, as many stories as you can. Information is power and you will see that all CGs blame whoever they can. They are addicted to the process of gambling and it's what they do to facilitate the gambling. They lie, manipulate, project blame for what they're doing, rationalise it, justify it. Because if he can offload it onto you, it can't be down to him. If anyone would gamble in his position, it's fair enough for him to gamble too. And you end up being caught up in a fog of nonsense where you can't tell what's black and what's white. So better for you to stop trying to have logical argument with someone who is presently incapable of logic.
The reality is that the gambling is down to him. You control what you do, he controls what he does. The three Cs: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it.
You can't make him stop and life won't instantly be rosy if he does. But you can think about you, why do you want to be treated like this, what you can do to change your situation. Start by doing what you are doing, get help and advice and support for you to cope with the situation that you're in. GC have a helpline. I find GamAnon meetings helpful, worth the travel time.
Focus on you, take care,
CW
It's not your fault at all.
I'm a CG and I know it's only me that gambles. He is ill though and it's not easy for us to stop once we have a pathological drive to gamble. Advise him to go to counselling, I've found it a really useful tool for getting over my guilt and shame. However, you shouldn't feel any guilt at all! I hope your man sees sense and realises that HE has a problem and it's down to HIM to change. If he is willing to accept that then I hope you can find the strength to help him through it, because I know I'd be lost without my girlfriends support. I wouldn't dream of blaming her for my addiction, but maybe your husband is just a prouder man than me and finds it hard to accept that he has a problem which is consuming him. He can change if he is willing to face up to his problems, I know I can and will beat this addiction and there are plenty of success stories on here to draw strength from. You can't help him if he won't help himslef though. I hope you also find some support and I'm sorry youre going through this. I feel guilty every day for the pain I've been putting my loved ones through and I'm sure deep down your husband does feel guilt.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
