I have known about my husband's gambling for years and he finally had a good go at therapy (both group, one to one and psychoeducational) a couple of years ago. He was doing incredibly well, but stopped support and started taking charge of his account around the time I became very Ill and was eventually diagnosed with a deadly brain aneurysm. I've since had brain surgery and have been recovering, having had a mini stroke in October. During this health downturn I have been repeatedly asking him how he's doing with gambling, if he has been thinking about it. I have been keeping an eye on debtors letters or the usual signs I.e. irritable, evasive, pencil/pen from the bookies amongst his belongings. A few months ago I had an awful feeling and asked him outright if he was gambling. He said No.
It turns out he has been gambling and even borrowed money to pay money he'd 'borrowed' from work. He says the rent and bills are up to date but having been lied to over and over I know I can't trust him. Oh and I only found out about the gambling because he told my mum when he broke down crying at her house. He says he knows nothing he can say will better the situation. He will go back to counselling and anti depressants/compulsive medication. He is also talking about self harm, which worries me as his brother committed suicide due to his gambling debts and depression. I don't want to seem heartless but I wonder if he's using that to get my sympathy or if he really means it.
I also don't know whether to believe if our rent is up to date... if he has made me and our daughter vulnerable to becoming homeless I don't know what I will do! I want to protect my daughter from the harm this could cause, but I also know that if we leave it will cause her heartbreak. He is an interactive dad who loves her but at the same time, even though I know gambling is irrational, he still chose to cause this.
I really don't know if I can travel this road with him again. I don't know if he lied the whole time he said he wasn't (before I because ill). I also don't know what I'd do financially as I am currently only working part time and that money would not even cover half the rent! Your advice and or sharing your story would really help. Is there any hope?
Hi jhoser, sorry I probably don't have much advice to give u as I'm going through the same as u just now. It's so hard eh and must be tougher for u with u being not well.
I suppose u need to decide if u want to go through all this again. It's so hard to just walk away but I can fully understand why u want to. I am the same but at the same time why should we leave our home. I was going to leave here a few days ago or put him out and I'll be totally honest, the only reason I didn't was because I would still need to work and had no childcare in place. My husband is working his b**t off to pay me back the money he took. That money was rent money, money for passports and school uniform for our son. He spent 600 quid in a few hours that id left in the house. I've had the sorry blah blah blah and I can't be bothered listening to it any more.
My rent is always up to date because I make sure it is, he simply couldn't be trusted to pay it, in fact he can't be trusted to do anything where money's concerned. You could phone the council or your landlord tomorrow and just say you want to find out if your up to date.
My plan is to cancel my bank card and get a new one and I'll just need to make sure that he never sets eyes on it because he actually had a picture of my card on his phone . I don't have money paid into my bank because I'm self employed but even if I did put money in for a bill he would be checking if he could get away with a Wee fiver for online sites so sometimes I'd think the direct debits were covered and they wouldn't be because he would have got to the money first. However I feel I need to change the card and put any money I have into it because the 600 he took was in the house.
I understand how you are feeling and know his s**t it is to be going through what's happening. Right now I still don't know what to do, I'm taking each day as it comes and he's said he's not been near the bookies. Just wanted to let u know you're not alone . If you need a chat just let me know. X
Hi Jhoser,
Gambling addiction isn't always as simple as saying I chose to gamble. Addiction and illness is more complicated than that. My only advice would be to get as much understanding of your husbands situation before you make a choice.
Have you been getting support too? Tri
Dear Tri and Caroline
Thank you for your response. Its all so fresh that this is my first step in getting support. I am at such a low place that I'm not sure I have the energy to take control of his finances. I know I need to so that bills continue to get paid or a plan can be made.
I do think that there are choices my oh could have made. He could have admitted to it when I asked him. Instead it feels like I only found out because he's at risk of losing his job.
I don't want to punish my daughter by leaving her daddy. Do I stay because the addiction isn't his fault, because it's his coping mechanism? Do I risk us not paying rent or bills?
Tri it's not the first time but I'm not sure what will be different this time around.
Hi again, I know what u mean re your husbands choices. I know this is an addiction / illness but sometimes it just gets to much. Maybe like me jhoser has tried to understand but after so long we need to think of ourselves and our children. Jhoser I can't answer regarding your Wee one as I'm in the same position and my youngest son and husband adore each other. Can I ask and I'm not being nosey why u think hubbys is at risk of losing his job? Mine used to collect cash and spend it then have to put it back, this used to make me feel ill, he doesn't do that job anymore and I'll glad I don't need to worry about that now. He never did get "caught" but I think the company had a good idea he was up to something.
This was my first step to getting support as well but I didn't get any reply to my post. I'm fine with that because I have came to the conclusion that I will be worrying about my son and myself now. My husband needs to decide for himself if he is willing to risk losing us, it might not be today or tomorrow that happens but I can assure u if he doesn't stop then he will be on his own. I have had enough of living with a gambler now and worrying about him when time and time again he goes back to his old ways. Also, if u only work part time u would maybe be entitled to tax credits and housing benefit if leaving was the route u choose. I probably wouldn't get any of them if I left or he left but I know I'd still get by. Btw I might sound heartless on here but I'm really not, after 24 years I have given him so many chances to put things right and it never happens.
Caroline thanks again for your reply. Not trusting someone can be so damaging to a relationship. It's certainly not how imagined marriage. I do want to believe in him but I'm not sure there's anything I can do as its his choice to make. It's just too tiring and painful. I have been on this road with him a few times, put myself in debt, lied to friends and family, eventually realised I was enabling his gambling so helped him get into therapy. It's just there's so much more at stake with a 4 year old who has already been through so much.
The money he borrowed from work was not exactly his to borrow. He managed to put it all back but he will need to talk to work about it. The problem is they were aware of his gambling yet left him in charge of vasts amounts of money. So I do think they let him down but it's still no excuse.
I think I may have to look into going to the council and asking for advice should my daughter and I end up without anywhere to go. I hate the idea of benefits but I may have no choice. I do agree with what you said earlier... why should we be the ones to leave? And I know I'm going to be the bad guy when it comes to my daughter's understanding of it all.
It's not so simple when a little one is involved. Had it just been me may be I would not feel so nervous about not having accommodation security. I would be able to visit friends or sofa surf. I may even be more forgiving.
I will look for your post and comment x J
Hi jhoser
Agree with Half Life- first and foremost protect yourself financially and emotionally. This will afford you time to work on the rest. I know it's hard and you didn't ask for any of this but it's just the way it is. We all understand your feelings - the anger, sadness, fear, lack of trust and for me the incredible sense of frustration.
I am so sorry for all that you have been through both with your health and your husband. You are obviously a strong lady who meets life on life's terms. Please find yourself some support through Gamcare and/or Gamanon. We sometimes need an outside voice or shoulder to cry on and help up gain our perspective.
Cathy
Dear Cathy and Half-Life thank you both for your advice. I've been feeling ill and also now very low. Not sure how to protect myself emotionally as the damage is already done... I'm heart broken and have no trust in him. There are a few reasons I am still here. The first is my daughter, the second is that he was there for me when I went through hell with my health. I'm not sure I can abandon him while he seems so emotionally vulnerable but I am working on a plan b without him.
Wishing you the best of a very difficult situation. You've been given the best advice above.
My mother stayed with my CH father because of me. I really wish she hadn't as seeing their relationship and his behaviour has made a deep impression on me. I can't trust anybody and will never marry. The stress I went through seeing my dad's behaviour (without even knowing about the gambling) was incredible. Please consider this if you want the best for your daughter. There was even a point where we almost lost our home. So do your best to protect both of your interests while you make your decision about the future.
My heart goes out to you as this must be very emotional, and there's nothing worse than someone you love hurting you. Also stress affects health so do take care of yourself. Good luck.
Peaceseeker wrote:
Wishing you the best of a very difficult situation. You've been given the best advice above.
My mother stayed with my CH father because of me. I really wish she hadn't as seeing their relationship and his behaviour has made a deep impression on me. I can't trust anybody and will never marry. The stress I went through seeing my dad's behaviour (without even knowing about the gambling) was incredible. Please consider this if you want the best for your daughter. There was even a point where we almost lost our home. So do your best to protect both of your interests while you make your decision about the future.
My heart goes out to you as this must be very emotional, and there's nothing worse than someone you love hurting you. Also stress affects health so do take care of yourself. Good luck.
Dear peaceseeker, thank you so much for adding perspective to the situation. I certainly don't want my little girl to end up scarred from her dad's gambling. I will certainly bear it in mind with what ever decision I make.
I wish you and your mum all the best in navigating the situation you are both in. I also wish you healing from then hurt your dad has caused.
J
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