I'm absolutely deveststed. My fiancГ© is a compulsive gambler. His addiction is roulette. I've been battling for the last 18 months trying to get him help. He's promised to stop an self excluded himself from online sites. But as fast as they're blocked he's finding new ones. Last week he told me that he was visiting a friend.. He never went! Few days later he told me that he was going shopping but I didn't believe him so went to the casino to check an sure enough there was his car! He came home happily telling me tales about the shopping trip! I was so shocked how easily he was lying to me.. That hurt more than the gambling! This morning he told he doesn't want to be with me as he wants free rain to do as he pleases without me nagging in his ear. He said he's not prepared to stop and unwilling to get help! Our wedding is booked for Jamaica next year an I've just had to spend the afternoon with his excited parents and family listening to them going on about how good it's going to be knowing that it's not going to happen. We've just come home and he is wanted money to go again. I've taken an hidden his money and cards to stop it.. It's all got a bit heated. I just don't know what to do. I really don't want our relationship to be over but he treats me so badly. I'm so torn because I worry without me being there he will spiral completely out of control an I can't stand to think what might happen to him.
Hi, I feel so sorry for you, the gambling especially roulette addication is horrendous. I am an addicated gambler to roulette. I have lost everthing to this probem, all my savings, two pensions i funded for 25 years, the respect of my two son's, and most importantly the love of my second time around partner. I state this so you can see his addication is not isolated not normal but there are a percentage of people with this issue. It's extremely difficult to stop, I have been trying to stop for 8 years, on the end I am now a lonley broke old man. This is where it will take him without serious care and attention ................. my partner gave me several chances in the end she had had enough, she broke our hearts ...... but it was the right decision, she deserved better than the lies and deceipt i was giving her. So for you in the long run ............. you are better off without him, a life with a problem gambler is not a life. Sounds harsh, but you can do better in time.
Hi thanks for your reply. I'm sorry to hear your story. This addiction destroys so much. I'm heartbroken and although I know i deserve better I'm finding it so hard to let go. I've told him he will end up in your situation but he can't see it. It's 4.15am now i can't sleep worrying about everything. I'm a few hours he'll be awake shouting at me to give him his money! I've taken control of his finances but he manipulates me and gets it back. I just don't think I'm strong enough. He's a good man beneath all of this.. He's just lost his way..
Hi Helpless, I’m so sorry to hear you are hurting like this but you can’t fix him I’m afraid.
It sounds like you are potentially putting yourself in danger trying to do so & I would urge you to get some help. Ring the GamCare helpline, get to a GamAnon meeting (where other loved ones affected by gambling can support & guide you), tell who you need to & if required, speak to the National Domestic Violence helpline: 0808 200 0247.
On the whole us addicts are not bad people but in action, we can be pretty vile & he has made his intentions very clear. Being with an addict is painful & you may not feel very strong right now but getting help for you will help you to find the strength to take care of you - ODAAT
Hi helpless I'm sorry to see this too. There are many things going on here. Firstly your acceptance of him treating you badly. Why is that ok? You can't fix him. Why do you allow that? Secondly why don't you tell his parents, why lie as well? I'm sure you're scared. Your safety is important. Sometimes you just have to leave them to it. Let them self destruct. If he'd asked you to hold his money and then begs or fights you for it, he's just trying to pacify you. He's no intention of stopping. Gambling is a choice, same as finding a GA meeting or gamanon for you. Get help and support for you. Give him his money. He's in the grip of addiction and he'll do anything to gamble.
I felt so bad lying to his family, pretending I was happy and that everything was ok. They're nice people and have been so good to us. Telling them this will really hurt them. They'll want to help but i know my FiancГ© will tell them to do one and that will cause more conflict. He will be all alone. I am weak with him, I've made threats and not carried them through so I think he has no respect for me and thinks he can do as he pleases. I will find s meeting and get some support from others in my situation. Maybe thst will give me the strength i need. I feel very alone as i can't speak to anyone, i guess I'm trying to protect me as much as him. People will think I'm stupid for sticking around. The thought of him not being in my life is horrendous but i know you're all right. He doesn't want me. He's addicted an not willing to get help to stop. I'm just finding it hard to give up on him
Dear Helpless1,
please do not feel alone. You are going through a lot of potential changes at the moment and you deserve support. You can call GamCare on the Helpline 0808 8020 133 or Netline anytime from 8am until midnight 7 days a week and speak to an advisor.
Best Wishes,
Forum Admin
It's not about giving up on him. It's about not putting up with his bad behaviour. This is about you and your choices. Lying to protect others never ends well. No one can predict an outcome.
Hi Helpless,
I'm the wife of a gambling addict. It's been 9 years now and we've finally separated.(3 months ago now)
I read your post and I understand how you feel completely, it reminded me of me when I first discovered my husbands problem.
GAs are very good at manipulation and they lie so easily, those are the things that over time really mess you up.
Imagine for a moment one of your friends came to you and told you all the things you wrote in your post, how would you respond?
My husband had counselling, cbt therapy and even residential rehab for GAs. He's still Gambling. I know some people do recover, I had hoped my husband would be one of those people. I tried everything but ultimately its down to the addict.
If your fiancГ© doesn't want to get help or stop then the reality is you have a decision to make about your own life.
I know how heartbreaking it is. Its like the person you fell in love with has gone and been replaced with this liar.
The money is one thing but the manipulation and lies - those are really hard to get past.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I had two years of counselling through gamcare and it was really helpful maybe have a look into that, get yourself as much support as you can.
All the best,
L
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