I've finally asked for a divorce after 23 years

Hi agree with Alan even a walk is good. Gamanon is good, I look forward to my meetings. Keep notes of everything you think of. I would be calling the bank every hour, it's important you need to sort your head out. As CW said, plenty of good solicitors. There is one local to me you email problem and they respond. Yes to all those things about laziness lack of interest, don't notice house falling down. Only one thing in their mind. So it's gone 5, nothing you can do now. Tomorrow is a new day, have a rest, call gamcare if you need to talk. Look for the nearest gamanon meeting?

Lack of self care is a very common trait in us gamblers...No time to shower or shave when there's money to be lost! It's a tell tale sign with my mum & as for me, 3 years on this site & the sound of running water still terrifies me! I'm a 44 year old hag who's owned 2 mascaras 1 lipstick & 97 nail varnishes, most of which are still going strong.

I think the end of a marriage when you have invested so very much into it would have been hard enough in itself when you are blaming yourself for things that you should very well have been able to trust to your husband, who was letting you down in so many other ways, to do but add this awful betrayal of having the financial stability pulled from under your feet into the mix, it's little wonder you feel like you're climbing Everest 🙁

Truthfully, I don't think it's going to feel better for a long time but I'm pretty sure that, like any good cliche, when you come out the other said of this chaos, you will feel a billion times stronger than you do now! As CW says, don't push yourself too hard...If planters have been out of place for a while, there's no point putting yourself out of action to prove a point that I can pretty much guarantee will go unnoticed anyway. I know it sounds crazy but you really do have to try to look after you - ODAAT

Can't say I noticed a lack of interest in the house or how he looked but he'd never been that bothered about either anyway. What I did notice was how old he looked ( now know it was anxiety), the distance, the bad temper and moodiness (which I rose to) all of which contributed to an appalling home atmosphere. It was something that hadn't been there before although looking back there he'd always been ridiculously and infuriatingly fascinated with pub fruities and quiz machines whenever we were out but he didn't develop the hardcore addiction until twenty odd years down the line.That said it didn't take him long to play catch up on the destruction scale. It's breathtaking how quickly this can spiral.

I have had the most awful meltdown, shouting and screaming at my kids, cutting the plug off TV and sky, disconnecting my son's Xbox and taking their phones and iPads. I think I'm losing my mind, I know I am!!!! My son was crying. I'm utterly ashamed of myself.

I had to go on a speed awareness course today. When the course started I explained that I'd left my children home alone (11 and 14) and therefore could I please leave my phone on silent. She asked could a family member not check on them. I said I had no family which she clearly didn't believe. She told me to turn it off, it's the rule apparently. How could I say that I was worried their gambling addict father would turn up looking for the money he left at the house days ago? At break time I realised I'd missed two calls from the bank

When I got home the kids had left cups, cereal bowls, crisp packets etc in the living room, two piles of wet washing exactly where I'd left it. They had stayed inside all day on Xbox and iPads. They hadn't walked the dogs or made sure they were let out regularly (we have three and two are young) One of them had gone upstairs and urinated all over the new patio cushions that I'd stored in my bedroom and there was a huge pool of urine on my wooden floor and all over my shoes. I completely lost it!!! All I saw was flashbacks of my husband sitting for hours glued to his phone gambling (I didn't know this at the time) and ignoring stuff that needed doing. I accused them of being like him. I called the dogs home to take the two young dogs. We love them so much (both rescues) but it was like a red mist and I couldn't stop shouting. My son was shouting that it was all his Dad's fault not his. I told them to get in the car and took them to the stables and left them to do the ponies by themselves. I then came home and sobbed. I found a picture upstairs that my husband bought last Christmas, a snow scene that lit up. Perfect example of his obsession with excess. We didn't need it, it wasn't even nice. I took a knife and stabbed it over and over. I then rang gamcare and cried again. The gentleman was kind but there was a language barrier which made it hard. He has offered me counselling but it's an hour away and I don't think I can find that time.

I am so isolated and alone in this. How can I have got to 50 with no one in my life to rely on. I told one friend a week ago but have barely heard from her other than two or three short messages, one being "I'd ask for a divorce and not let him home" I keep thinking she will say "come round for a chat" or "are you ok?" But nothing! Am I feeling sorry for myself?

I can't believe I shouted at my kids like that, I never shout, I'm just not a shouter at all! Have I damaged them? Was that abuse? I can't believe what my life has become. I am still carrying 19K around with us as I'm afraid to leave it here in the house and can't bank it. The lady rang me today from the travel company. We were looking at Tahiti for April or Vietnam but instead he thought it would be better to spend the money on gambling.

He has told me to sell our car and buy a cheap one. I have no one to help me buy a car. He has replaced his old car with a new one. Now my nice car gets replaced with a heap. Not that I mind the heap, I just mind that he has caused all of this yet we get downgraded whist he gets upgraded.

I stood waiting for fish and chips in the shop last night and read all our old Whatsapp messages. I left in tears! Our silly jokes and daft messages.....how could this have happened? I loved him, he was my friend. I didn't need anyone else.

My world has crumbled and will never be the same again. I can't do this!

You can do this & you need to start with a breath!

You are under immense pressure, your children will know that but they are right, it's not them you are angry with & you need to hug them & be hugged right now!

Why can't you bank that money? It's way too much to be carrying around 🙁 And downgraded car aside (I'm sorry but the man is an r*e) you're not on the breadline & hopefully with a bit of legal advice you will be able to start to untangle this weave of mess he has created & get some breathing space.

I'm a bit of an offsite Jonah but would it help to switch email addresses? Forum admin will facilitate this if you think it would be helpful?

Can you see your GP to help with the stress? I did my share of shouting but the culprit was to hand and while it can feel like an itch that has to be scratched taking it out on the kids is a long way from ideal although you've recognised that.

I think that's way too much cash to be carrying around too. The bank are aware of the situation. Can you open an account he can't access to deposit it? Why is he telling you to sell the car? If you own it there's no point, if it's on a finance plan selling it with an amount still outstanding is illegal.

Agree with ODAAT that you need some professional advice to start untangling the web

firstly whlst it is far from ideal as per your own words and thoughts I think you need to forgive yourself for having an outburst. What has happened is not your fault and I've seen you post on many other threads, supporting and helping others You are in a tough place and have a lot of hard times ahead - take the advice and get some professional help, you deserve it

I wish I was able to redeem some of my own failings by offering help or practical support

Any chance you could also just take an hour out - play the xbox with your sons, go for a walk with them, I am sure they must be a funny age for mummy time but find something, give your mind a small break

and I completely agree with the others - get that money paid in somewhere

Odaat can I ask you something without offending please? You said he's an a**e (totally true) and knowing you were an addict too do you think he is behaving worse than you did or worse than most? How do I sort out the email? That's so kind of you.

My kids are ok other than being shocked. They can't believe how angry I am and cutting plugs of TV was so stupid.

I'm actually not sure where the money came from to be honest and I can't bank it as it may be all we have left. If it goes into the bank and he has debts..... I will hide it safely tomorrow.

He has now been in touch twice to my son via messaging saying "Hi how are you? miss you, hope you're ok" OK!!!! How can he be ok? Total lack of understanding, emotion, willingness to come clean. Not even "Dad is so sorry for all the hurt. Will you meet me so we can talk?" I have just looked at my Whatsapp and he has this evening blocked me, having unblocked me previously. This is a sign that as always he is playing the blame game. My son hasn't replied so it has to be my fault. I told my son he can reply if he wants to and see his dad and that I would never stop him. He has the choice and has chosen not to respond. He has chosen not to message my daughter at all.

Lethe, I could see my GP but what can they do only offer medication. It's the anger that I feel is so dangerous. I'm like a ticking time bomb, it feels dangerous and scares me.

He owes 11K on our car, it's worth 9K. I'm sure dealership said it could be sold privately as long as shortfall cleared with them. Am I wrong? I do a lot of mikes per year, so purchasing a heap whilst he is now driving a new car (he does little mileage) feels like just another kick in the teeth for me and the children.

I didn't eat yesterday, no longer sleep (hence now 4am) and I climbed into bed at 5pm no longer able to function or think. Kids sorted own food out, toast and pot noodles. Would they be better in care? They now have no TV and each day gets harder.

Yesterday I did think that life isn't worth living. I am 50 (feel 80) and at a time when we thought we had so many plans it's all gone. It sounds like pity but in fact it's utter and total despair. Whilst I know my husband is working, joking with colleagues, eating, gambling and functioning fairly normally.

I found a letter about his will yesterday. Do you know he made it in secret and refused to allow me to know the contents (2009) Why would anyone do that to their wife?

I hear over and over....."forget the money wasted, it's only money, it's gone" That phrase is banded about a lot on here. Yes it has gone and yes it is only money. BUT!!!!!!!! It is money that we could have used to make our lives better, make incredible memories with our children visiting other countries (as our friends do) and make our home lovely for us to enjoy. More importantly it would have paid for both children to go to university without the need for student loans and beginning their lives in debt.

I am angry, viciously so, unstable I think....and eaten alive with rage!!!!!!!! I am expecting to be ill as a result of this, heart attack/stroke etc. isn't stress a killer? Then where will my children go?

Hi I totally understand your rage. I remember cutting the cable on the phone! We are helpless, put in a position we cannot fathom. The problem is you have kicked him out, now you don't know what he's doing, you can't direct your anger to him. You're angry because you also feel is this my fault? So you are powerless, we cannot control them. He is running, hiding from his responsibility this is his mess. I go and sit in the garden with a cup of tea and think. I wrote down every outgoing even tiny things, get perspective. This will sound mental but have you got a swing ball? Take your anger out on that, kick a ball, rip paper into shreds, go for walk, scream anything to release that pressure. Work out what you can sort out, leave what you can't. I had a notebook I carried with me, wrote down all my feelings, bills, loans, budget. Went to meetings. It's all too much to deal with in one go, just do one thing a day. Have a nice day with the kids at home. Stop punishing yourself x

I too am feeling extremely angry, I shouted and raged at him accusing him of all sorts with the attitude of if you are lying about this then what else have you been lying about? The only thing I can do is start taking my life back, I take one hour at a time, try to reward myself for tasks such as requesting credit reports. I too am for the most pretending it isn't happening to the outside world. Only one person close to me knows and I am unsure how to move forward. You are probably feeling very overwhelmed at the moment and there is a lot to do but you will get it done step by step.

Hi again

The GP can refer you for counselling, maybe have details of support groups alongside medication which will be carefully monitored. He/she will also be a sympathetic, non-judgemental ear which can count for a lot IRL.

The car can be sold providing the shortfall is met but that means finding £2K along with more (how much is he going to contribute?) to buy something with unknown history that may be OK but equally may not. TBH it sounds very much like he can't make the repayments on both but isn't going to let his new toy slip away if he can help it. The reality is he may not be able to make the payments on that either but he has been and is living in a dream bubble where that elusive big win is going to make all this magically disappear.

Try not to worry too much about student debt. They only pay back a proportion of their earnings over a certain level and the balance is written off 'x' number of years. The government are now in a flap because they've realised the sums don't add up and more than they planned for is never going to be repaid. Two of mine have student debt alongside the vast majority of their peers and it really doesn't impact them significantly or worry them.

The rage is common. How can we not get angry when we think of the waste, the way we've been taken for mugs and the way the future has changed in an instant? but we have to step up to the plate and function somehow. Handing the kids into care will only compound and complicate things further down the line.

he needs to sell / return his car, whatever the penalty, before yours gets returned.

Thank you so much for all your support. I am truly grateful for this site.

God did I really say "would my kids be better in care?" Then I would have no reason to live for sure. I just feel absolutely overwhelmed with so much to sort out.

I didn't come on here over the weekend as I needed a day or two of pretending this hasn't happened to us. I thought it would do me good to try not to think about it but of course it's all I think about.

with regards to the kids and getting out, to be honest we practically live outdoors as we have horses x 2 and dogs x 3 so we are getting lots of fresh air. It's just the crushing blow of how life has changed irrevocably in one week.

He has now messaged my daughter to remind her that she only has one dad and that he misses her. It's almost as though she has done wrong not him. Still no offer to apologise or explain himself .

With regards to the car the payments are £350.00 per month so obviously once sold he will only owe 2K

I could see my GP for medication but there is a part of me that needs to feel the pain at its worst in order to make me realise that I must never ever give him another chance. After 23 years of this I need freedom and sanity.

I understand what you are saying Kelly about the money being gone and no good crying over spilt milk, I do get that no amount of crying will bring it back. I get that memories with children can be made in local woods and you don't need far flung destinations to be happy. When I said I wanted us to have had the opportunities of some of our friends it must have sounded like 'keeping up with the Jones' but it wasn't meant like that at all. Perhaps this is easier for partners of non-cg's to understand rather than the cg's (absolutely no offence to you cg's who I admire hugely for being here) but what I am saying is that we have all missed out on lovely holidays abroad and the chance to enjoy other cultures because my husband has chosen instead to give our money away. Not only that but the 'spilt milk' may mean that my daughter's pony has to go which will devastate her as she's only and him for ten months. We also have her ancient old pony who would end up in a sanctuary. It is the ponies that are keeping us all going at the moment and our one bit of solitude and sanity. Same as for university, totally agree that some student debt is not the end of the world for kids these days but the money was there for university x 2 and now it has gone. If any of the above had happened because of loss of employment, illness....even bad financial decisions then yes, I'd get that, but he has simply given it away. My son said "if he'd put all of that money onto our open fire at least we'd have had one good warm from it, but we got nothing"

I keep going over and over my total stupidity in all of this.

Since 2013 we have no been abroad as a family, yet prior to this we went most years. He kept explaining it as 'business down/ our huge outgoings" and I just accepted it. To be honest we love English holidays as we can take our dogs but now everything is making sense. I keep having lightbulb moments of "ah....that's why he always did this" When I think clearly there were so many signs that he was in a bad place, really stupid things. For example my son went shopping with him and came back to tell me that he raced around the supermarket like a madman literally grabbing stuff off the shelves (he always did our food shop) and throwing them in the trolley. This is because he needed to get back on his phone. On this year's holiday we took two cars (long story) and he set off first. He isn't a fast driver normally and I thought we'd meet for food half way but he said "see you there" He loves coffee and would never EVER consider a non-stop journey of any distance but we were so shocked to get a call saying he was there. He must have flown down, eager to get back online. When we arrived he was on his phone having been to the local shop for just milk and a paper. I asked him if he'd brought anything for breakfast, bread for toast etc as our online shop wasn't coming until the next day and he told me no as the shop had no bread/eggs etc. I knew he was lying so went myself and they had everything we needed. It was as though he had to get home as fast as possible, not even time to purchase food for the children. He would even lie about having a shower and now I realise it's because he couldn't use his phone in there. I know this must read as so dull but I've got to rant and get it all down or I'll combust!!!!!

Did anyone find (partners of cg's) that other people did not understand. As I said we have no family to turn to and few friends but my husband has a brother and sister who both live 100 plus miles away. We haven't seen his brother for three years and see his sister yearly. Both are aware he's gambled in the past and I'm sure his brother gambles but not to my husband's extent. It always difficult criticising someone to their own family and to be fair when I told her she was disgusted/stunned and is going to call him but I'm not sure she really understands as she messaged me saying "Hi, hope you've had a lovely few days" and the one friend I told has hardly registered the fact that I'm in this horrendous state. In fact it's been six days since I heard from her and she lives less than ten minutes away. Not even an offer to call round or offer to maybe have my kids over just for an hour.....nothing in fact. Is this normal? It's as though I've told her I have a cold. I probably sound full of self pity but I'm actually just needing one person to care. I cannot ever remember feeling so alone and terrified.

I can't even bring myself to speak to him about important issues as I am too afraid of how I will react if I hear or see him. On top of that is the utter exhaustion of being the one who has to do absolutely everything. I had to get up at 5.30am this morning for a pony event but woke at 4am after 4 hours sleep and couldn't go back to sleep. We arrived home at 4pm and I was beyond exhausted and had to lie down for half an hour but didn't wake until 6pm. We then had to go and put the ponies to bed and walk dogs which meant it was 8pm when we got home and too late to cook a Sunday lunch. This resulted in a take-away and feelings of guilt for wasting money and not cooking a proper meal. I feel as though everything is caving in on us.

Thank you Kelly for the virtual hug and I will look to see if I have message re email.

Does anyone have a number for Gamanon please?

Hi ya, I didn't mean to sound like you should just brush it away...You have every right to be absolutely furious. It's just when you are hurting like this, you need to try & focus your little energy on the stuff you can control like eating & drinking because it's all too easy to curl up into a ball & just cry.

I think family have a hard time making sense of the magnitude of our crazy & friends sometimes just don't know how to react. Yours sound particularly unsupportive because even if they're not sure how to dish that support out, they could @ least try. I'm guessing you are probably the person everyone would usually turn to in a crisis & this has confused the life out of them?

Hopefully this link will work: http://gamanon.org.uk/?page_id=82

You earned that takeaway yesterday & as for the car, if he can't afford the repayments, he can downgrade his one. I wouldn't do anything until you get legal advice on this.

I know we're only cyber friends but we care...Hell it's 6 a.m. & I'm not on nights or earlies (& I deffo don't have a pony partly because that sounds much like hard work and lots because that would require me to be responsible for something other than my selfish self) so I'm pretty much here using matchsticks to prop my eyes open so I can send you a shout out! I have an email saying they have sent you my email address...If you don't have it, maybe drop them a line.

Hope you manage a few hours sleep - Kelly