I've finally asked for a divorce after 23 years

Thank you Kelly! I wasn't in the slightest offended and everything you say is right about earing, drinking and trying to get through each day. I really want to say that I think all of you cg's on here are incredibly brave and strong. No matter what you've done in the past you are all making the future right and I wish every one of you all the luck in the world in staying straight.

I have been so disappointed by my friend, her being the first person I told and particularly as I supported her through a really worrying health problem in the past.

He only got his car a month ago. Prior to that he'd always had heaps whilst paying for us to have the nic car. Madness but I almost feel guilty/sorry for him. I know I still love him and if I allow myself to think I am overwhelmed with sadness of how much I miss him....even though he had become incredibly difficult. There was one day on holiday when we started to laugh at something.....we could not stop and eventually were almost rolling around with laughter. We were standing in a corn field (all four of us) on our way through the woods to the sea. The sun was shining and I remember looking around and realising how much I loved him, how happy our family was and how we hadn't laughed like that in years. That was 3.5 weeks ago!!! It just doesn't seem real.

Well I have woken up today with a really sore throat and feeling c**P. Now have to drag myself out of bed, ponies awaiting a hug and breakfast.

will check for that email and contact gamanon.

Hi I think gamanon site is list of meetings. I always call gamcare if I need to chat and can't wait for a meeting. Friends, that's a difficult one. Family can be too. I've told close friends never see them again, or all they want to talk about is the gambling which they don't understand. Some people have great friends and work colleagues and everyone knows and are very supportive. My husbands family don't support emotionally at all. My meeting think they know more, especially before I married him. Anyway it makes no odds. My meeting is where I get support, advice, friendship and laughter. It's the place where people worry about those affected not the gambler. I try not to think badly of the friend situ. I think I have a lot of shame too, it's tough. I also think I gave a lot of people something to talk about. They don't know me and the friends who do are here for me. I don't tell people anymore. We've all got our own stuff to deal with. Maybe she's waiting for your call and doesn't want to intrude.

I hear you on the spilt milk thing. We have missed out on taking the kids on nice holidays while they were still young enough to want to come with us. We've missed out on evenings out, evenings in, all sorts. I told (shouted at) Mr L at one point he had put some fat cat gambling bosses kid through private school or paid for top end cars several times over. When the second bout of nonsense and all the fallout from it came to light we were buying value brands and I made endless chutney from windfall apples because it was 'free food'. The unfairness literally takes your breath away.

I didn't tell anyone outside family. My friends have mouths like the Mersey tunnel and would just have been in it for the drama and we barely see his side of the family although they did know . He did tell one set of friends who haven't asked about it since - not out of disinterest but out of discretion I think. My parents offered to help bail him out (again) but I turned them down. Hadn't worked before and he made the mess so he could sort it.

I didn't do Gamanon (he goes to GA) but what I did do was read everything I could find and then some so I knew what to do to protect myself. One thing I would say is try not to let feeling sorry for him get in the way of doing what you need to. There are plenty of sources of support and advice for him should he choose to use them and being understanding and/or sympathetic isn't necessarily in your best interests. They are what is paramount.

Hello and thank you once again.

Kelly and MerryGo Round I have sorted emails out, thank you both and to Lethe for your understanding.

Well I am well and truly scuppered now as I am poorly with what seems to be a chest infection and raging sore throat. Lying here feeling absolutely awful and angry with myself for allowing this to make me ill.

I rang the car finance people today but they would not tell me anything as it's in his name. He had told me to call them and facilitate handing the car back. They need him to agree to them discussing it with me and need to speak to him by phone. He has blocked my contacts on his phone so I called his sister and asked her to message him which she did. He replied saying that he's done everything he can???? She tried to talk to him and asked him what was going on. He said "oh just the usual" Ahen she pressed him further he said "it's ****, you know what she's like" He told her it was a big fuss made by me about a game, nothing more!!! A bloody online game that he's spending 1000's on each week!!!

So you see it is still all my fault. He is actually blaming me and has shown not one bit of remorse, even though he hasn't seen his children for 11 days.

Well that is it, he is on his own for sure now. To think that he can actually put this onto me and be so flippant, wh I have been at the point of collapse with fear and exhaustion with all the worry. No more!! f**k him!! From now on my priorities are my children and me. I can do this, we can do it together and we will. I am going to take the next two days to rest properly, sleep and recover from this shock. The housework can wait

Hi GMH,

I've been following your posts over the last few days and all I can say is I am sorry to hear of what you and your kids are going through.

I may not be the best person to be giving out any advice as I am a recovering addict myself, I haven't gambled for 10 months and to be honest if it wasn't for my wife and kids I don't know where I would have ended up. However my situation was a little different in that I wanted to stop. By reading your posts I don't know if your husband does? It's difficult to explain what goes through your mind when you are gambling yourself into a massive hole of debt and misery however to reply to a question you asked on a different thread re your hospital episode with your son... when I was gambling all I was interested in was gambling. I may not have turned up at the hospital either as it was more important for me to try and recoup my gamblong losses for the day. I still loved my wife and my children but I was becoming so deep in debt that I had to keep on gambling to get myself out of the hole I was in. This was the only way I could see forward to keep my family or so I thought. It took a couple of relapses before I eventually realised what I was doing, I got very lucky in that I came clean just before it was too late and I lost everything.

But as I say I'm definitely not the best person to be giving out advice. You have the full support of many people on here, both recovering addicts and f&f's. You can only do what is best for you and your kids. I wish you all the best.

PA.

Hi,

Sometimes us gamblers cant see the wood for the trees and blaming a partner can be the easiest thing in the world.

At present i would say he doesnt want or feel the need to stop gambling but eventually the funds will run dry or the deceit and web of lies will catch up and devour him. I know as it happened to me and i fell through the trap door.

Its at that stage whether you are willing to be there or drop him like a stone.

At present look after yourself and this is not your fault.

Best wishes

I know this is easier said than done but GBH - you do really need to try and get better sleep - especially whilst you're unwell. As soon as I look at a computer screen/phone/ ipad it wakes me up for hours - resist the temptation - I see you posting at 10/11pm, 2/3am and then again at 6/7am - plus you have your kids and animals so no chance you are catching uop during the day

water, good food and sleep

It's such a liberty me saying this as the CG but you have so much to deal with at the moment, through no fault of your own

give yourself some deadlines, from the next week at least - no internet from 11pm-6am or something

Thank you Proud Arab and Bal.

My husband definitely does not want to stop gambling and never will. I accepted this 12 days ago when I uncovered his serious habit. The evidence was there in front of me on my iPad yet even when confronted with irifutable evidence he denied it....just as he has done many times before.

The thing is, I had no idea he was addicted, I really didn't. I believed after the last serious episode around 6 years ago (lost 15k) that he had totally stopped. It seems he did but has been gambling heavily for 5 now according to bank statements. It is only this website that has made me realise he was/is addicted. Stupidly I put them down to just blips of madness.

I know I am rambling (in bed with chest infection) sorry! There has never been one occasion in 23 years when he has said "I am sorry" and meant it. He has apologised only when asked......meaningless.

He has always been unable to accept blame and deal with emotions. Do all gamblers struggle to handle emotion? There was domestic violence in our marriage up until around 2008/9 and now I realise that was gambling related. On the day my mother died he comforted me briefly and then when I continued to cry got angry and hit me to shut me up. He just could not deal with the pressure of showing he cared (he probably didn't) Then when I was poorly after the birth of our daughter and needed to go back into hospital he only visited twice in four days saying he had to work. He handed our son aged 2.5 to my friend and when I got discharged from hospital I had to drive myself home as I had driven myself there in the first place.

The more I write the more I realise that we can never be together again. I don't think he has ever loved me.

Please both of you do everything in your power to stay gamble free. I believe you can and will.

Enormous praise to you both for coming here.

Compulsive Gambler you are dead right. When I wake during the night I reach for this site as a comfort but it may be keeping me awake. Tonight I will turn off at ten pm and try to sleep or maybe earlier.

Thank you

Hi again :))

In answer to your question about about Gamblers and emotions , I can only speak for myself but I think I shut down my emotions ? I spent so much time up and down dealing with my mood swings because of the lies and losses I was trying to cover up that I became detached from real life if that makes sense and just as your Husband did my mood would be all over the place , if I won I was on cloud nine and the best person ever but If I'd lost the slightest little thing would set me off on the argument trail , I was never physicle but I would look to make an argument out of nothing and blaming everyone else , I can only assume it was guilt because of what I'd done but didn't want to admit , it's far easier to blame someone else .

It's strange but once I'd stopped gambling my emotional feelings were all over the place , happy one minute and crying my eyes out the next , I guess I'd not allowed myself to have those feelings for so long that it just came pouring out as I distanced myself from gambling .

I feel your husband likes to be in control , he runs his own business and can control that but despite that deep down he knows he can't control his gambling , he also knows that his time in action is coming to the surface and that at some point in the not too distant future he's going to be accountable because he won't be able to hide things any longer , all the bad attitude he's giving you , the car issue , money , ignoring you when he feel's like it it , is him throwing his toy's out of his pram and despite his calm exterior be in no doubt his mind's racing trying to dig himself out of this hole .

All I can say is that when you finally get through this and as tough as it is to go through , you'll become a much stronger person than you ever thought possible :))

Look after yourself x

Hi GMH,

Pretty much as Alan says above. My gambling was me dealing with emotion. Whenever I felt down, angry, frustrated I gambled and it was all forgotten. But I guess that is the addiction and what it does to you.

When it all came out that I clearly had a problem it was a massive relief and I could begin to deal with my emotions like a "normal" person once again. I know that sounds selfish as it was only the beginning of dealing with the pain and debt for my wife, but a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders. Some of the things I did whilst gambling actually shock me when I think back. The lying, cheating, manipulating... it wasn't really me as I was never like that before I gambled, so I put that down to the addiction. But I know I will always be a "gambling addict" and can't ever go back to that way of life. I do miss having a bet but I realise that if I ever do I will lose everything. Hopefully your husband will realise that soon. There's only so far you can go before running out of funds, some go further than others and I was lucky that I decided to tell my wife before I went too far. But that was only through speaking to people on this forum who persuaded me it was the only option.

I hope you feel a bit better soon and things begin to look up for you. I obviously don't really understand what you are going through as I was the addict, but I have an idea having seen first hand the pain I caused. As Compulsive Gambler says above get off the internet for a bit. I did most of my gambling on the internet so I try not to get too involved in social media etc too much. I guess I should probably do some work instead of being on here too!

PA

Hey again, thanks for the reply and hope you do manage to switch off tonight for some much needed recovery / sleep time.

Just reading the bit about domestic abuse and it makes me shudder, nobody ever deserves that and I'm sorry but that can't be explained and most certainly not excused by gambling.

Emotions - Mine have been all over the place for years now, I don't think they have settled at all yet either, I'm still riding through the rollercoaster of emotions at the moment. I completely agree with Alan (not for the first time, speaks a lot of sense) about being able to shut things down though. Financially I could baulk at the price of a bottle of water and then within minutes spend hundreds on gambling, Picking arguments for no apparent reason was another regular occurance as is/was a total lack of faith in other humans - in and out of work - nobody and nothing has been good enough for most of my gambling life - it has certainly got worse too.

Emotionally I have resented work whilst working stupid hours yet many of those were just not productive, much procrastination so then deadlines have to be met and you work through the night, then you're tired and snappy so you pick fights again then procrastinate at work again then get frustrated as you 'never have time for yourself' then you gamble more - because you have no money and you are fed up with being in a rut and so it spirals, quicker and quicker, maybe you confess or more likely get caught and you might bury yourself and deny/lie/excuse or confess, then you enjoy life for a bit - secrets out, stop gambling, suddenly sleep better, work more efficiently and suddenly you have time on your hands that you aren't used to, you don't know what to do but then become overwhlemed by the damage done (debt) and before you know it you have slipped again. Those around you are still hurting so you 'can't put them through that again' - then you chase whatever you lost (or get greedy becuase you 'won') and so it all starts again.

Throw in the mix the constant, unblockable reminders and adverts, the emails telling you about free funds being in your account and likely years of living a secret life and the whole mix is just very very difficult to get out of.

I feel very fortunate that in the last few months I have been supported by those around me, I cannot believe that I still have a seedling of a chance to save my marriage but I'm in no doubt that the enourmity and life lasting damage I have done mean that it will be years and years before I will be close to feeling like we have a solid marriage, I would love reassurance but know that it is not fair to ask and I must show by actions and not words that I am able to lead a different life, closer to the one my wife thought we had.

My Mum, who has supported me through several relapses before has again been unbelieveable and I don't deserve the support and unwaivering love she has shown.

My sister though has saved my life, she has given me a chance to live again. She lives in a different world to me financially, albeit I could of been much closer had I not chosen to gamble but whilst she helped with a bit of money to save my legs from being broken ( I borrowed from the wrong person) I am repaying her and she only did that to stop my children from seeing me beaten to a pulp. She saved my life in a more powerful way though, she refused to be manipulated by me. She has a little training in physcology and thankfully knows some professionals whom she was able to turn to. At almost forty years of age, I cried my heart out in front of my sister, I could bearly speak, almost hyperventalating - I was on my knees begging for her help, actually asking if she could help me financially and she point blanked refused. She told me square on that I was still trying to manipulate her and that she would not let me. She let me cry some more then got me to focus on the practicals, where was I going to sleep - offered me use of her tent and a sleeping bag - no offer of a roof over my head, no offer of a b&b but a tent, told me I might have to think about sleeping on the beach, that I had probably made myself homeless and that whilst as my sister she loved me she was not going to shoulder the consequences of my actions - that was down to me, that was my responsibility.

And in a nutshell, that's how she saved my life, she confronted me.

She called me out for being a liar, she hammered home that I have effectively stolen from my childrens future. I gave excuses for everything, reasosn to not go to GA, reasons to not tell people and she shot me down on everyone. Every excuse she turned back on me

She gave me no reassurance whatsoever.

She continues to support me yet she challenges me at least once a week. If I commit to doing something she makes me answerable myself.

Sorry for the ramble but it's helped me to write some of this (so thanks! )

I know you have a different battle to me, one that you don't deserve and one you shouldn't have to face but I shuddered when I read the domestic violence you mention in the same way I shuddered when I read an early post of yours on a different diary - your wording left a glimmer of hope for your marriage, I know you have since written that you know you can't get back with your husband and that must be horrendous to deal with on top of everything else but from what you have written, your husband has been an absolute a**e. He sounds anything but ready to admit he has a problem and unless he does that he has absolutely no chance of changing.

I wish I could give you more sound advice on money but it sounds very complicated - one question I did have though was the solicitor - is it someone you know/ that your husband may have influenced? I think you said before it might be someone to do with the business, are you certain they are impartial...

best wishes

The domestic violence doesn't go hand in hand with gambling, no. Mr L was distant, moody, foul tempered, extremely economical with the truth and generally vile to live with but he never physically lifted a hand to me or anyone else.

How are you feeling now GMH - much better I hope?

Good morning to you all.

Sadly I am feeling absolutely awful still. I can't believe a chest infection could make me feel this bad. Yesterday I could barely stand up but my kids have been brilliant. I feel so guilty not looking after them but I can't help being ill. I know it's the shock that's caused this. To make matters worse the weather has been glorious for two days whilst I'm stuck in bed.

Thank you for all replies regarding emotions. Incredible how cg's all say similar things on this topic.

Compulsive Gambler a big thank you for telling me to put my iPad away in the evenings. Didn't go on last night from 8pm and every time I woke during the night I read instead.....really helped. You are incredibly lucky to have such an amazing sister (and family) You must be so proud of her. With regards to the solicitor it is no one my husband knows.

Still no word from my husband and kids are still saying they don't want to see him. Not sure what to do about that. I guess it is their choice but I am not influencing those thoughts and tell them daily that they can see him if they wish.

The lady at my bank (Lloyds) has been fantastic. She has personally printed 5 years worth of statements off for me so that I can add up his losses. This is only losses from one account, there are others I have no access to but it's a start. I need to know. Obviously there are also losses prior to the 5 years no doubt but that will do for now.

He hasn't gambled anything from joint account and a letter came for him from sole account confirming they'd stopped payments to "Google P******a" as he'd requested. Of course he is still gambling elsewhere. He thinks I'm stupid.

I have to buy a car as my Audi is going but it's such a minefield. The Audi is in his name but I have to sort it all out and he has given them permission to deal with me. Typical of him to dodge responsibility for his s**t.

One thing that no one ever mentions on here is help for our kids. We all talk of help for addicts and partners of but what about kids of addicts. 13 days ago my kids thought we were a happy family. We'd had a brilliant holiday in Norfolk, were planning to buy a horse box so that my daughter can take her pony to shows and also planning a holiday somewhere exotic next April. Fast forward to now and the dad they thought the world of has gone, they have discovered he's an addict and a liar, our car is going and we may lose our home if things turn out worse than I think. How do they deal with that? How can I ensure that this does not define who they become? I am petrified they will become addicts too. My son is already more than obsessed with his Xbox. His friends are the same but still......

I feel so overwhelmed with the enormity of tasks that I face as a single parent.....house, garden, all our animals, school stuff, driving to activities no longer shared now. I have no help.

The one friend I told has been c**P. It's been over a week since she messaged me. Then yesterday she messaged to say she was feeling sorry for hersel after having minor medical treatment. I said I was in bed with a chest infection to which she replied "are things still s**t" I told her they were yes. Messages stopped there.

Its my daughter's birthday next week. She asked to have three girls sleepover, I can't do it. I am just not mentally fit to cope with that but feel so guilty. Plus I am ashamed of our house. The paintwork is filthy and it badly needs decorating but my husband had no interest in doing it and said we couldn't afford to get it done professionally. It looks tired and scruffy because he didn't care. He only cared about gambling. It's a lovely 270 year old cottage but needs some TLC. I have 19K hidden in my house. Shall I call in a decorator and get it done? I'm scared to spend any money.....but he wasn't was he?

Wishing you all a gamble free day and strength for gambler's partners/families