I've finally asked for a divorce after 23 years

sorry to hear the chest infection is still rumbling on.

I don't know about the children, it's very valid question but I think it would need a professionals take/advice

There's a lot about your mental wellbeing I think you need to prioritise so could see why getting paintwork done would seem appealing but until you have clarity on liabilities etc I'm not sure it's a great idea - once the painting is done you will surely just focus on the next 'imperfection' of which i'm sure there are many in a 270 yr old house. Would any of the other girls parents be able to help with your daughters birthday? (i'm certain none of them will be the slightest bit bothered about the paint but get that you don't feel up to 'hosting') If not is there an organised activitiy that you could get them all to - I know it's more money but maybe this would be more beneficial

I know your husband gave you the money but does he know it's still in the house - even by default, i.e. if he knows you haven't spent it/ used it yet then it must be in the house somewhere

Did you ever try writing to him? sounds like you need answers still that you will not get without his input. He may have given you permission to sort out his car but doesn't mean you have to. It's in his name, once you have recovered a bit more why not sort out your own car (if you are going to have to anyway) and be the one in control. You're quite right you have enough on your plate already.

Have you made any progress with the business/ decided what to do with the business Partners yet? Is it possible for you to sell your share? Even if you took steps to do so it might be the shake up he needs to start tackling things

Just one other thing, I know if I was challenged that I was still gambling, I would become indignent and pedantic - effectively deflecting away from the core issue and making it more about the statement, so as hard as it is stick to the facts you know. He has cancelled payments to google but that doesn't factually mean he is gambling elsewhere (of course he probably is but hopefully you get my point) Right now that isn't your concern, you need to know what effects your directly, the children directly and the business directly. What liabilities are there? who is paying what? where is the evidence of payments being made? What liabilities does the business have? where are the business funds going?

People might find out what's happened as you try and get these answers but that isn't your problem, it's his problem which is a consequence of his own actions.

Massive kudos to you for continuing to give the children choices. My mum and dad split when I was 5 and were always amicable in front of myself and my sister, fortnightly visits/handovers and always amicable. Except one time when they argued - I remember that handover more vividly than any other. My mum only ever ran my dad down to me once - how she managed to limit it to that is beyind me considering what an a**e he was but guess what, i remember the day she ran him down like it was yesterday

A sledgehammer landed in your world very recently, you're doing an amazing job to keep things together, it's not surprising you're unwell, that's not a weakness, just a natural human reaction

sorry, another ramble!

best wishes

Hi there :))
I can't understand why it's your job to sort the whole car thing out ? If it's on lease/ finance and in his name why not just leave it until the finance company contact him ,seriously I'd be inclined to use some of the money to go out and buy yourself another and if anything is ever raised Ie where did the money come from then your husband gave it to you ! , I'd also get your decorating done as well , youv'e the kids to look after so if he's not going to help with the upkeep of the house then I see no problem in employing someone to decorate it for you .

Bit of a random post there sorry .

Take care x

Sorry to hear your husband's dropped you well and truly in it.

If I were in your position I think I would forget about the decorating and the sleep over. And then take both your kids out for the day spend some of the £19k and enjoy yourselves.

Who knows what will happen in the future? Live for the day. Your in the middle of a mess that wasn't your making so have a day off.

All the best

It Matters More

I know what you are saying compulsive gambler, about prioritising etc but looking around at the grubby paintwork is a constant reminder of his grubby secret. I was thinking we would all feel so much better if everywhere was freshened up. It's been the reason for so long I never invite my kid's friends over.....I'm ashamed of our shabby home....and my kids are missing out. I am the world's worst painter or I would do it but I will make it look even worse!

i don't know the other parents tbh as she's only been at the school a year and I never see them. No way I can face sleepover, slightest thing is too much stress.

Ah....writing to him....done all that.....thousands upon thousands of A4 sheets. That is what he is waiting for. Why should I be the one to write to him? He should confess, admit what he is, even for the sake of seeing his own children but he won't. The thing is he pays for so much (I also pay for lots) and he knows that we will need some money. His thoughts are that lack of money will be the reason I go to him/ask him to come home. He's wrong!

Ive made no progress with the business at all. I know this is going to sound appalling, but if he has been taking money from the business he could go to prison. If he goes to prison we lose our home. If I tell them about his addiction the can of worms is opened However, there are things I can do that will scare him, without telling the partners. I just need to feel better and mentally stronger before I follow these through.

I am still shocked to the very core. Eating, sleeping and caring for the children is all I can currently cope with. I do a little each day to progress towards unravelling but can't face more than that at the moment.

Not sure if any of you can identify with this, but he cared a lot about how we were perceived financially as a family. For example, we went to buy patio furniture and the lady showed us a set that was £1500.00 (merely an afternoon's online fun for him....but I didn't know this) I said "I'm afraid we're a bit lacking in finances (I didn't know why then) at the moment have you got anything cheaper?" He was really angry and hissed at me to stop embarrassing him. If we went out to dinner, he always left an over generous tip. All about keeping face!

He always turned up to every event the kids were involved in, and I mean every single one. He'd have driven to Edinburgh to watch them in a sponsored silence. Everyone would say "oh god ***** is so good and so involved with the kids" He would leave work for one hour every Thursday to watch our daughter have her riding lesson. So yesterday I said to her "you know dad always made an effort to support/watch you in all your activities" She thought about this for quite some time and then she replied "Yes he did, but only when someone else was there to see him. When he took me to the stables he would always moan if I wanted to ride. He never wanted to watch me when it was just us" You see everything he did was for other people to see.

Someone asked (can't remember who) if I would consider supporting him or drop him like a stone. I tried very very hard to support him through his anger issues. In 2006/7 after I'd thrown him out due to violence he agreed to get help. He visited his GP or so he says and began anger management meetings in a group. Yet even then he was not able to admit his issues without deflecting blame. Looking back I guess his anger was gambling related but I didn't know this. Instead he informed members of the group that his anger was routed in the difficulties of living with a child who suffered ADHD, our son. This was a lie as our son does not have ADHD or any other kind of condition. He did this to empathise with another woman on the course whose son really did have ADHD. He told her we were separated (true) and that there was no chance of reconciling. Yet he was telling me that his anger management was all part of us rebuilding and I thought we were. He was attracted to her, of course he would be, two very angry people coming together. He started going to her house regularly and meeting her. He invited her and her friends to have a meal at the restaurant where I was working, I waited on their table. Long story short I heard him on the phone one night in the garden whilst he was visiting the kids. Denied everything but I got hold of her number....called her ranting and swearing (as you would) She was mortified.....had believed every word he'd told her. She told me that her and her friends had felt sorry for me because they'd noticed at the restaurant that I was still wearing my wedding ring. She said she'd felt like she'd been groomed by him. She said he always had a huge wad of notes in his pocket as if this was impressive. I can't believe even after this horrendous betrayal I took him back yet again.

i think I had such low self esteem by then that I was prepared to accept anything......and did!

Sorry! The other posts weren't on my screen when I sent that so thank you to you all.

I am very inclined to paint, get a car and take kids out. Yes it is taking some of the money but hey guess what, we will have new paint, my kids won't be embarrassed about the house, we will have a car and have enjoyed some family time together. None of the aforementioned would have occurred if he had taken the total cost of all three and flushed it down the online gambling toilet.

I am very sensible with money, always have been and I would certainly not waste it but he has caused this not me.

I have realised that my posts sound like an exhaustive list of feeling sorry for myself. I hope I don't come across that way. I just can't seem to stop writing. I think it's my way of getting the anger out, it feels therapeutic somehow.

GMH - don't apologise for the writing - if it helps on any level then it must be a good thing

If you go ahead with the painting - enjoy it, enjoy the time out with the children and you don't have to be extravangent to get a car that feels nice to drive, is practical and would be yours (if you decide to use the cash to buy one outright) obviously that would also protect some of the money as the car would be paid for by you, in your name and he wouldn't be able to take it back (even if he wanted to)

get what you mean about the writing as well. I guess I'd still be inclined - when you feel a bit better - just to try and get some of the answers you need (i,e. liabilities) and you're probably right to leave anything else up to him

hope you get some good sleep tonight

Dan

hey GMH,

how are things, youve been quiet for a few days, hope all is alright? chest infection improving at all?

dan

Hi there

Out of bed for the first time yesterday, still feeling lousy and so down/black

I think I've been using Gamcare as an escape for my own mess tbh. I feel absolutely desolate. I cannot honestly believe that my husband hasn't contacted me. He has not made one attempt to get in touch to discuss the mess he is in. It's almost beyond comprehension that he could ignore us.

I have tried to get his sister involved (remembering how great yours is compulsive gambler) to see if that helps but Christ!!! Why did I bother? Will someone please respond and tell me if I am being unreasonable here/expecting too much.

My daughter left her phone at stables on Monday and didn't get it back until last night as we haven't been with me being in bed Ill and my friend has looked after horses. I was concerned that husband may have been messaging daughter and thinking she was ignoring him (stupid of me) so I messaged his sister on Thursday morning. I asked her to let him know about our daughter's phone if he mentioned she was ignoring his messages. She said she would.I explained how concerned I was and that I was in bed with chest infection. I am so worried that he is still gambling and more worried that he is losing contact with his children that I messaged her again yesterday (Friday) telling her how concerned I was that his relationship with the kids will break down if he doesn't do something. I told her they are too upset to see him ATM but just want him to be honest with them about everything. I said I knew he was on holiday from work and I was worried sick he was out somewhere gambling. I sent a screenshot of Gamcare helpline details and asked her to pass it on to him.

This message was sent and read (Whatsapp) at 9am yesterday morning. No response at all, not even "yes ****will do. Hope you are feeling better" or even "ok will do" NO f*****g RESPONSE AT ALL!!!!!! I waited all day, evening.....still nothing! Then at 3pm today she replies "Thought I'd replied yesterday (Saturday) sorry! I saw him on Friday and I asked if he's gambling and he says no and didn't look guilty. I can't do much more. He's just concerned about ****** birthday. I'm off to Norfolk til Thursday. Hope ***** has a lovely birthday. Her card is in the post"

Have just sat and cried tbh. She knew how concerned I was in my messages yet saw him and chatted yet didn't bother to tell me for two days. He can drive for two hours to see his sister yet not 4 miles to see his wife and children who he has just abandoned.

I am so angry!!!!

How shall I respond to her message?

1) Thank you for all your help.

2) The children are wondering why he can drive for two hours to see you but not 7 minutes to see them

3) I wish you'd told us you'd seen him to save two days of worrying about where he is

4) I'm really glad he's sorting his life out

5) lastly shall I just ignore her message and say nothing?

I'm furious beyond words here

Hello GMH,

We've moved your thread from 'New members' (Which is ordinarily used for introductions) to 'Family and friends' (Because it looks like you want to keep this thread going). Well done for reaching out for online peer support here on the forum. It is great to see all the good support you are receiving from our forum members.

You're also welcome to call our advisers on our freephone 0808 8020 133 or our netline, for emotional support, facilitated referrals for free counselling appointments, or signposting to sources of other types of help, like debt advice or legal advice and so on.

Take care,

Forum admin.

I know it all is so unfair but you have absolutely no control over your husband or your sister-in-law. Just leave it alone. Try and just think about yourself and your kids today... hard yes but they need this from you.

So sorry for your situation.

Cathyx

Hey GMH .

I'm not sure how usefull I can be but there's already a difference between Compulsive Gamblers sister and your husband's as it is his sister probably supporting him rather than you , sorry to say but as the saying goes " Bloods thicker than water " , you don't know for sure what he's said to his sister and maybe he's painting the picture that it's all your fault as your just " Over reacting " or something along those lines ? .

I know this is just going to sound harsh but If he can't be bothered with his kid's at the moment that's his loss , I'd just try and explain as best you can that " Dad's in a strange place at the mo " you can probably guess what I really want to write but admin would bar me for sure with all the expletives :((.

This isn't going to be an easy or quick ride , as I said before it's almost like " Calling your bluff " " are you going to take me back just as you have on numerous occasion's before " ? . and I'm thinking is this more about who's going to back down first ?.

I may be wrong but it just doesn't look like he's going to even think about admitting he has any sort of problem yet so I might suggest that you just focus on yourselve's and put in place all those things you need to do to protect yourself .

As far as responding to his sister my choice of words would be " Thank's for the e***n help " but you may want to word it differently ? . How about a sterner txt and coming straight out asking " I'm glad he's in agreat place at the moment " but " When does your brother plan on seeing his children " ? as " They are his responsibility as well as mine " ? .

If you get no response from this then maybe " Ramp it up slightly " and ask a solicitor to write to him regard's what his intentions are toward's the children , his responsibility's toward you and the house ? , it may make him sit up and take notice but it's also a big escalation as to how thing's progress for you and I'm not sure how you feel about that ? .

Whatever happens he can't just bury his head in the sand and pretend you don't know what's going on anymore and should really stop treating you as some sort of idiot ! .

Hi, this makes me so mad!!! His kids are her flesh and blood. My sister in law ignores me too. They have no idea what we put up with. I'm afraid I'd hit him where it hurts and find out a bit more from his business partners. As for her what difference will it make if you tell her what you think? She's of no support so nothing to lose. If you tell her how you feel maybe she'll realise. We sit and hide and tell lies for our cg, everything is a secret. Time for the truth, you don't have to be angry at her, just explain how you feel, alone! Good luck

I'm sorry I just had to smile then :)) I know it's not funny but that's the classic difference between a woman's perspective and a man's . I just told you to tell her to " f " off and Merry go round's comment of " Just tell her how you feel , Alone " was of course the perfect response , I think I need to leave the good advice from the Ladies from now on GMH . xx