I've been with my partner nearly 14 years and we have two children under 10.
In the first few years, I found out he had a problem with the casino playing roulette. This came to light when I was in bed with our month old child and he called me in the early hours crying saying he had lost everything and was stranded and couldn't get home. I picked him up from the casino and he told me he had blown thousands over the months. He had his own house and I had been giving for the mortgage and bills for months as he told me he had been robbed/van was broke (nieve i know). The house eventually got repossessed when I stopped bailing him out.
He was left with 35k. I decided to stick by him as he promised it was now over.
Fast forward a few years. He has now told me this weekend that he has been gambling throughout our relationship at the bookies and this has never stopped. He doesnt earn 1500 per month but its always been around 3500. All his money has been going on there for years.
I immediately asked about the 35k which he had put into an account with his grandmother. He has 15k left and has blown the 20k at the bookies. He said I can take control of his money, give him an allowance and he hasn't been to the bookies since the start of the year.
I have no idea what to do, he is saying we will finally start saving towards getting our own house again. He won't gamble again and I will see that as he won't have money to do it etc but I'm thinking I've heard this all before. I have supported our children financially since birth, live in my parents second home and he lives elsewhere in shared accommodation.
Will it work if I take control of all his money and the little savings that are left?
He tells me he clearly has restraint to not touch the last 15k. I'm so angry that I've struggled for years and I have never questioned why, how stupid can I be? That 20k would have been life changing and there was me thinking 35k was safe in the bank waiting for us to add to it.
Do people ever really stop? Have any of you successfully took control of finances?
I feel so lucky he has no credit cards or debts as he had such poor credit after the repossession he wouldn't have been able to apply for anything. Problem is, if he has money he will blow it.
Do I cut my losses or take control?
I really need some advice as to what I should do. I feel so betrayed and so angry for our children of what this has cost their future as well as my own.
I needed 10k to qualify as a solicitor and he always says he can't touch his money as it's locked in the bank for fixed period and to know he's blew twice that and I've struggled to bring our kids up and still not qualified due to lack of money all these years is unreal.
He has cost us all so much from this dirty secret he has kept throughout our relationship, which has obviously been built on lies the whole time.
Is it worth these lies, cheating, selfishness, greed?
Hi decisions it's sad to see you here. Things have unraveled for you in a similar way to me. I've had control of finance for years but he left his bank account open and continued secretly. Now I control all accounts, he has no cards or access and works with cash if he needs it and a receipt. But reality is if he wanted to gamble he would. You cannot control that. Your cg is confessing and wanting you to take away temptation. That's your choice. It works for me but I'm under no illusion. My cg is an addict, no cure. Your cg needs to get support, will power is often not enough. Gamcare have free counselling for both of you, GA meetings and gamanon for you if you choose. In my opinion you need to learn about addiction. Don't make life changing decisions now. Wait to see if things change and if he means what he says. It's an emotional illness and usually a coping mechanism. You should safeguard yourself and your money. Ask lots of questions on here and call and talk to an advisor. Lies come hand in hand with the secret life of a cg, constantly covering their tracks. I don't see greed, I see desperation. If you do choose to control finances you must be diligent. Get credit reports, total transparency from him. He needs to self exclude from all casinos/bookies. Download software onto gadgets to block gambling sites. Get some support for you too.
Thank you for the reply.
I'm trying to educate myself on the whole issue around gambling, traits, signs, mental struggles etc.
I have told him as soon as he finishes work today I'm carrying out a credit check, we will see where he stands and I want all the money transferred. I do not trust him at all and this is really the last chance. I don't want to make any rash decisions and know I need to support him through this but only if he is completely honest with me.
Long road ahead and I need to keep my anger to the side as I know it will not help matters. He knows if I take control of the finances there will be no hiding anything. I am glad to hear it has worked for you by taking control and I hope it works for us too. It's only worthwhile if he is on board completely which I guess I will find out in the coming days and weeks.
It can work if he wants it to work but you will need to be 110% on top of everything financial all of the time now and going forward. Don't feel stupid. We've all been taken for mugs. Being stupid would be letting them continue to do it.
Get credit reports from all three agencies. Even with poor credit it's possible for them to rack up more. He can add NOC's to every agency which should at least stall access to further credit (haven't yet had to put Mr L's to the test thankfully but he's wrecked his credit record anyway with a DMP and defaults which I'm not looking forward to dropping off). Get savings and every asset you can into your sole name. Buy everything with any residual value via your sole account. Once you've ringfenced everything you have breathing space to see if he means what he says.
If your anger spills, don't feel guilty. Mr L can still be subject to some very plain speaking when the mood strikes and we are - as far as I can tell - four years down the line. It's all part of reconnecting them with reality in my book.
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