Just need to vent really.

Hi, Hopeful,

Can we start by getting one thing quite clear: he gambles because he has an addiction to gambling. It's got nothing to do with any act or omission on your part. He makes poor choices, driven by that addiction but he must be responsible for the choices that he makes. Because if he's not responsible for what he does, then who is?

Put another way, you control what you say and do, he controls what he says and does. He controls whether or not he gambles. The fallacy is to think that when you do XYZ, it affects what he does. Not really. So feel free to focus on the children / wear comfortable clothes/ be more house proud or less. None of it makes any difference to his actions. It's not you, it's him.

I would not advise my daughter to go ahead with a wedding in these circumstances. It is possible for him to make serious and long term changes but four weeks isn't long enough to him to prove himself. Recovery is long term.

Get help and support from the helpline here, from GamAnon, from a trusted friend. Look after yourself because it's a big deal for you.

CW

Vent away Hopeful42! Your heart and head are going to be all over the place as you are in shock. He can be so selfish because he is an addict and that is just one of the characteristics. Please believe me when I say that this nothing to do with his love for you... they are seperate issues.

You didnt drive him to this just as he didn't drive you to your depression & anxiety. I don't know where he stands right now... is he in denial or ready to admit this is more than a bad "habit" but make sure you protect yourself financially as soon as possible. Then I would suggest as CW says get to GamAnon and/or on the helpline. It helps you to step back and gain some perspective on your situation. Keep writing on here to vent and learn... we've all been there:)

Take Care

Cathyx

Hi H

If someone chooses to gamble to that extent you have to remember it is an addiction and their choice - it is not you fault, no matter what you think you may have done. The secrecy and lies and maybe stealing are all part of the process until they either admit the problem or they are found out. If your OH has told you about this himself then it shows he is asking for help - if you have found out some other way then this is the time to sort the problem. My advice for you is to ring the counsellors on here to get information to put in front of your OH i.e. self excluding from shops, phone and internet, maybe you taking over his finances. Also they will give info on debt management - they are very helpful. Hopefully you may persuade OH to come on here. If you were my daughter I would be asking you to think very carefully before committing - you need to know he can support you and your family and how bad his addiction is. It is really hard trying to manage things when babies come along and tiredness is the worst thing and can make us cranky so you are not alone in that. Try not to sort this on your own - if you have family, friends talk to them and ask for help.

Good luck

Hi Hopeful, echo the above & I have to ask, have you had any external support for yourself since the birth? I don't believe for one minute you are a spiteful horrible cow because you are putting all your energy into being a mummy, spiteful horrible cows don't do that! Why is the house being a mess your problem? He has time to gamble, if he doesn't like it, he can clean! I dress like Vicky Pollard (I'm not proud) & need specialist machinery if I ever want to shave my legs but my hubby married me for me, if he'd wanted a WAG, he'd have given me a wide swerve!

I'm a gambler so gonna give you this from a slightly different angle but I suspect in his mind he would have justified his actions as doing them for you...Wanting to win large sums of money to make life better! Equally, seeing you hurting & perhaps struggling to become a father himself may have pushed him to seek escape in the slots. You definitely didn't cause him to gamble but an addict's mind can twist anything to the addiction's advantage & it sounds to me like you both need proper support!

I don't think 4 weeks is long enough either but you will get an idea in this time as to his commitment to recovery.

I'm not sure what the GamCare counselling services offer as the time frame for your concerns would suggest post natal depression (apologies if I'm completely wrong) but it's worth calling the helpline who should be able to answer your questions & allay your fears that you are in any way to blame!

You are stronger than you realise, finding here shows you have fight in you, use it for the things that matter & to be kind to you - ODAAT

Hi, again,

If you do have PND, then absolutely seek medical help for that.

GC and GamAnon provide support for you about his gambling and and are sources of support and education about that. Knowledge is power, once you know that active gamblers twist and manipulate and set out to have you blame yourself, it's easier not to.

CW

Hi

You've heard it already but Im going to say it again, this is absolutely not your fault, nothing you have said or done made him gamble.

Cg's are very manipulative and selfish and will steal when necessary, so its essential you protect yourself from any financial damage.Gamcare can help you and theres plenty of advice on this forum.

You might well have post natal depression, I had it and got help from my health visitor and gp, and Id advise the same for you. This has got to be your priority.

As for your partners gambling you've already had some excellent advice and I agree with all of it. Gamcare can arrange counselling for you free of charge, I found it invaluable, they will find a counsellor who will work around your needs.

Try not to worry about the housework, or anything else material, look after you first, its not lazy or selfish its completley the opposite its absolutely necessary.

Take care.

Hi there hopeful42,

Your opening post is very much like mine (I joined last week) I have have found this forum really, really helpful and the advice given has been genuine, honest and from experience.

I know what you are going through, I have been with my partner 5 years, we have a young son, he's a CG and has fallen off the wagon several times, he won't agree to full disclosure and third party help, he's still battling the tide of denial, he won't give me access to his bank account he has loans, credit cards and payday loans coming out of his ears., not to mention the thousands he owes me! I also found out today he has set up/enquired about a keepsake service the post office offer, basically so his mail will no longer come to the house and I can no longer open suspicious post!! I feel like it's the end for us, I have literally given it my all, it's going to be long and drawn out and very unpleasant of that I'm sure. My house isn't on tip top form either, I have gained weight which I hide in comfy clothes, I devote my time to my little boy, more than ever now as I am desperate to make sure he doesn't grow up to be like his selfish daddy! I however aren't suffering from anxiety, I'm simply fed up, fed up of lies, manipulation, deceit and broken promises all masquerading as a relationship! I get where you are coming from exactly and am contemplating my next move, my OH has at least £10K of debt to date now I/we now have to decide whether to let this disgusting addiction consume us like it has them!?

Take care

X

Thank you all for your support. I've been a bit overwhelmed by all your comments and it's kept me going today.

I did find out by accident, he didn't tell me. But he has since told me the full extent of the debt, cut up his credit cards and given me his passwords for all his Internet banking. So I now have total visibility of all his money.

A couple of you said you wouldn't want your daughter to marry a man like this. I have no contact with my mother and she has never really been a mother to me anyway, so I've never had that perspective before in any situation. It's really made me think about the decision I'm going to make.
I'm quite ashamed to say it, but the main thing that's stopping me canceling the wedding is the embarrassment of it. Of having to explain to people what's happened.

I have had support since I had my son, and have really turned a corner in the last 3 months, I'm just scared now that the stress of all this is going to ruin everything and I'll end up back where I was. And now i don't feel as though I have him to lean on. He was my support and my rock and helped me get better. But I don't know if I can look after myself and him and my baby. He looked after me though, and now I see that the price for that was that he did this to himself.

H

Your last sentence still shouts out that you are still blaming yourself for his gambling. No matter how much strength it took him to support you the gambling/debt situation was of his doing and not yours. I am sad for him as well because this addiction is a horrible thing and it sounds like he is now showing remorse and is so sensible in handing over his finances to you and he does sound like a nice person underneath all of this. He will have been keeping this secret from you and probably it was starting to worry him sick - now it is all out in the open he will have a sense of relief so this is the time for you to both sit down and talk about it all and especially your future - and keep talking to each other so there are no more secrets. This may be the ideal time that you can start to support each other - you with helping him overcome the gambling and him starting to support you with your little family. However, if you really are wary of committing to him at the moment then please do not go ahead just because you are worried about what other people think. It does not mean you have to split up completely just take time to know for sure you can trust him not to let you down again. I know it will take a lot of strength of character from you to make a decision on this and whatever you decide I hope you all have a happy ending. It sounds like you are both struggling along without much home support so you have done the right thing in coming on here - there are plenty of counsellors and parents/partners of gamblers here who are happy to listen and offer support and advice. I do not want to see another lovely little family being destroyed by this awful problem - and if you read other posts on here you will see you are not alone.

Dont forget the advice that gamcare can give you about him self excluding and any debt management. Also try to get him to make a diary so he can tick off and count the days he has not gambled so that he can feel a sense of achievement and start to feel better about himself and he has a goal to aim for. If you both treat this as a project it may bring you closer together - or I hope so.

Take care.

Sorry Hopeful, but whilst being your rock during the depression he was also lying and deceiving and being financially abusive behind your back.

The false idea that you're to blame - what makes you think that? Is it something that he's said or some hint(s) that he's given you? CGs are very manipulative and if it's your fault, then it's not his and so he can carry on. For me, when it came to light first time round, my husband told me all sorts of nonsense about why he "needed to invest" - his poison was spread betting. Apparently we needed the money because I was so extravagant and because I refused to return to work for two years after the last (fourth) baby, even though he'd been telling me over and over that I needed to go back... I believed him but the reality was that despite his City wage, the shortages arose from the gambling losses that I didn't know about. And I'm still not quite sure how sports betting could ever have been classified as "investment".

I stayed because I had been married almost twenty years, four children and because he has done what he needed to in order to be gf (so far). I don't think that I have any illusions about saving him from himself. But had I known at the outset, I wouldn't have married him and I can't believe that the man I thought I knew would turn out to be a CG. Hence the advice not to go ahead with the wedding for the wrong reasons.

The other thing is to be realistic about what you reasonably can and can't achieve. You can be a good mum but maybe not one with a house that is never less than pristine. You can be a good wife...but not one who can cheerfully stop her OH from gambling because that is unattainable.

Look after yourself.

CW

Hi Hopeful, sorry to hear about your mum, must be hard not having her to lean on when you have a newborn 🙁 I can't help you with that but I'm very relieved to hear that you do have support & have turned a corner (well done) 🙂

If he has been there for you throughout, there is no reason why this needs to stop now & personally, my alarm bells would ring if he stopped being so. Looking after you didn't make him gamble, that was his choice, just like it was his choice not to get help when it began consuming him...I understand why he would not have wanted to tell you but unless he asked for support or sought it elsewhere, it was a choice he made willingly. Eugh, I almost don't want to type it but if he isn't able to support you like he has been doing then he has been manipulating you...He hasn't stopped being him just because he's been busted & actually he may find this a complete relief. If he has counselling and or commits to GA, he shouldn't need a lot of your energy & you can focus on you & baby. If you look @ it as him not being perfect so why should you be, it may even help you relax a little & feel less pressure?

As for the finances, can I also recommend that you get copies of his credit files, we're really not to be trusted & as for the wedding, nothing for you to be ashamed of! If you don't want to go through with it for the right reasons, you can always buy time & tell loved ones you have decided to wait until baby is older so they can be there! Weddings are not 'things' to have to save face, mine was the most incredible day of my whole life & it wouldn't have been if I'd had any doubts!

Stay strong & try & focus on you & your needs 1st - ODAAT

Hey,

I hope like me coming on here is giving you some comfort.

I understand the self blaming, some of us are just programmed that way, but you can change that mindset over time. I did the same, thought I was responsible for my OH's compulsions, however in all likelihood that 'itch' has always been there, waiting to be scratched. The thing is you need to look at how and why they/you think you are partly responsible.......you're not, I promise, I did tonnes of soul searching, was I this, was I that, but how could I be, I made sure he had everything, clean clothes, good food, a friendly and understanding ear etc. The fact is hes spoilt and immature, his mum absolutely ruined him, she loves with all her heart. He's selfish, ungrateful and demanding. I'm sure many gambling addicts spouses can relate to this.

None if us are perfect, we all have flaws some of us live with them some of us exploit them.

Your other half has made a massive step in the right direction, but expect a bumpy ride, mine won't give me full financial access, but I'm not backing down on that so we've reached a bit of an impasse, and for us I'm not sure there's a solution.

I also understand you when you mention embarrassment, it feels like 'our' shame, almost like if we aren't enough if they have an addiction then why? Why couldn't she tame/fix him etc etc......only people who haven't experienced addictions first hand will be quick to make this judgement, I have confided in a handful of people but my family don't know, his dad doesn't., even his mother doesn't comprehend the severity of his problem! So his problem is my burden, my shame!

We mustn't feel shame, we didn't create this situation, I reassure myself with this everyday......it's not my fault, it's his!

Stay positive and have a good day.

Take care

X

I am still blaming myself, I think you're right Twinkletoes, I'm just programmed to always think everything is my fault.

That's good advice about the credit report. His bank accounts are such a mess with transfers any payments all over the place.

Can we send private messages on her? I was going to message you Twinkletoes but I can't figure out how.

Everything I thought I knew about the future has just changed, and I can't really get my head round it. I think I will get some counselling through here, it's worked really well for me before in other situations.

Thanks again everyone for all your advice and support.

Hi Hopeful, if his accounts are anything like mine, they will be indecipherable & plentiful so I don't envy you trying to unravel it 🙁 Hopefully the credit reports will make more sense!

You won't be the 1st loved one to think you are somehow to blame but like the old break up speech goes, it's not you, it really is us! Counselling is a great idea 🙂

There is no PM on here, you will need to email:

Forum.Admin@gamcare.org.uk

& Twinkletoes will need to agree.

Look after you - ODAAT