Hi I'm completely new to this and not sure what I'm doing.
I'm the partner of a CG, we have been together for 11 years and his gambling has been a part of that for about 8 of them.I'm a firm believer that no gambler/situation is the same. I fortunately have no poor children caught up in this hell.I'm only 27 and my partner is the same age.His taste of gambling is horse racing and I can tell he has a real passion for it.We deal with the same similar issues to most:- lies- arguing- broken relationshipThe part I struggle with is that (he thinks) he is a good gambler making well into £60000 in the past only to loose it all again.Last year he lost £47000 and I decided I couldn't do it anymore, I broke up with him and kicked him out for 2 months. In that time he went to a therapist and really seemed to have sorted himself out.Foolishly of me I believed he had and this year we decided we were going to get a mortgage. Only to have him a few weeks ago once the mortgage had gone through admit that he was gambling again and had recently won then lost £30000He has no access to my accounts and I am very careful to make sure any outgoing Bills are well covered by what I earn monthly. I have no access to his money as I have tried that before and it just causes war between us. He is in a very well paid job and gets paid weekly so never goes too long without money and always pays me for bills. But this means that we can easily gamble up to £1000 a week.He admits he has a problem but when I confront him and say he has to stop or il leave he says he can't.I'm part to blame. There has been numerous times I have become aware of his gambling and the unreasonable and greedy side of me gets caught up in it, I secretly get excited with the prospect of all this money and what we could do with it. I never ever encourage it at all and will tell him it's not right. But by me thinking like this, it makes the blow so much harder when he looses it all, that the dreams and possibilities have gone as well. I feel so foolish.I also don't help because the second I find out we have lost all the money I go into a spiral of rage I shout and throw insults etc, I know this doesn't help and when I calm down we talk and usually devise a plan (which in the long term is never kept to)We do live a very comfortable and fortunate life, we haven't got half the struggles that other people have that I come across online. A life that I couldn't have if I was to go alone and be single, but being aware that I don't want to give up this life makes me feel very trapped.I love my partner and although we have no debt or living issues, I don't feel like I cant spend a lifetime with someone that lies to me so much and someone that I can't save and build a future with. The hardest bit for me though is not the money it's the lying, he isn't malicious but he is so wrapped up in his own world that he can never see the affect all this has on me.I'm also aware that his gambling brings us no real future and I don't want a life terrified that if I enable him to gamble it will become more out of control than it is and we will loose everything we have. Ultimately my last option is to break up with him and I know that for him to want to stop it needs to be him that decides. I just worry that by carrying on as we are things will never change and that I'm practically setting myself up for a huge disaster. Iv previously told family members and friends of his problems but I can't bring myself to tell them of his most recent relapse. They are also proud of him and to anyone else they think we lead a pretty perfect life. I selfishly don't want to ruin this. I also feel like my circle of friends and family are my escape from my partners gambling, I can't deal with it being the forefront of every discussion or moan when I see them. My partner is aware he has a problem but he doesn't want to stop because he wins so much and believes he can do it again (which he does) but then just looses it all. I'm aware I might sound ridiculous to most but I just want another outlook and an honest view from people in similar situation.i Just don't know what to do!J x
When he says he's a 'good gambler' is he under the delusion he's some sort of professional at it? Because there's no such thing.
He doesn't want to give up. He's told you that and you can't say or do anything to make him. If he carries on as he is he will gamble himself and you if you let him to destruction. Even if he's not in debt now - and you can't be sure of this without seeing proof in the shape of credit reports - he will be because he can't stop chasing his losses and the 'big wins' (that aren't because they all go back) will inevitably dry up leaving him casting around for other sources of funding.
Read up on the addiction, get support from friends, family and outside groups such as Gamanon (even if they tell you what you don't want to hear) then think hard about what you want, need and deserve from a partner. All the time he's gambling he won't be providing it.
Hi port 23, 8 years gambling £1000 a week! £8k x 52 = £416,000. So if he's a good gambler ask him where that money is? I guess the bookies are looking after it for him til he wins big! Do you really want to know what to do? You can't stop him you know that. You have said you are enabling him. You have to stop yourself doing that. Stop yourself repeating the same behaviour. I went to gamanon meetings he went to GA. He did a year, changed meetings then stopped. 12 years later I went back to gamanon he didn't want me to, I went. Next meeting he went to GA. You can go. You can call gamcare. You can leave him, sounds like you're paying for everything anyway. I've know my husband 21 years, 20 he's gambled, secretly for at least 12. We could have bought the house next door as well. Yes he's had a great job, earned the money to pay the debt. We haven't enjoyed that money. If you can get strong, work out how to safeguard yourself and show him his mistakes you might enjoy the vast amounts of money he is throwing away. You have to be the one to start the process, because he's in the addicts world waiting for the big win that's never coming.
and even IF a 'big win' did come it would be acedemic as it would all go back, plus more.
Hello Pot_23
in your opening long post I picked out the below two quotes
"There has been numerous times I have become aware of his gambling and the unreasonable and greedy side of me gets caught up in it, I secretly get excited with the prospect of all this money and what we could do with it."
"We haven't got half the struggles that other people have that I come across online. A life that I couldn't have if I was to go alone and be single"
Looking at the first quote, I think you need to read the post again that you have actually written. You say that every time he wins big, he simply loses it all. How on that basis can you get excited by the prospect of a big win when you know this will immediately be lost in his quest to win more. You say he lost £47,000 last year and has recently won and lost £30,000, a total of £77,000.....a massive amount that could have gone towards your mortgage. You describe him as having "a real passion" I have never heard this term used before to describe an addiction because that is what your partner has. He is a gambling addict. A passion for something is a positive thing, a real passion for horse riding or keep fit. An addiction is not a passion in any way shape or form. You describe him as not wanting to stop because he wins so much and believes he can do it again. It isn't a case of him not wanting to stop, it's a case of him being unable to stop.
Your second quote describes your fortunate life with no financial struggles and how you'd never be able to have this life if you were single. Really???? You honestly believe that with losses (plus the thousands of pounds he us hiding from you) of £47,000 you are still better off than being single?
Please do not think I'm attacking you. I am trying to make you see that you are totally delusional if you think this is any kind of life. What happens when his gambling debts increase as the stakes rise in his attempt to win more (and lose it again) and he no longer gives you the money for the bills....that time will come I promise you, unless you act now. Once you default on your mortgage and can't cover bills as his spending and quest to win big takes over you will join the rest of us on here who have lost (or face losing) everything.
You are the same age I was when I met my addict (27) only I did not know he was an addict. It is only since finding this wonderful site that I have realised he was an addict. The age of 27 is long gone, I am now 50 (husband 61) and face losing everything. For 23 years I really thought that his gambling episodes (that weren't continual) were just little excessive blips. I knew he had a problem from time to time (the worst I knew of was losing 15k) and we split up twice over it but hand on heart I believed he had completely stopped many years ago. Ten days ago I found out quite the opposite. He has lost everything, gambled what I believe to be between 80k - 100k as well as cashing in every policy he had towards retirement. We now have nothing apart from two broken hearted children aged 11 and 14 and the end of a 23 year marriage. My story is different in that you appear to be fully aware of everything whilst I was not.
Examine your feelings for him, you say you love him (not here to dispute that) but a lot of your post is about "your comfortable life" being unable to sustain that life if you were single. Are you with him because you are used to the trappings of a certain lifestyle his salary provides? You are certainly living a lie. You say people are proud of him and friends seem to admire you both and how lucky you are. Yet in reality everything about your life is fake. What you are actually doing is enabling him to gamble driven by your own greed for money (your words not mine)
I promise you now that you are on a road to hell if you do not wake up and do something about this situation before it consumes you both. I know this post may sound harsh but you asked for honest opinions and that is what I have given you. He needs urgent help, and, as you openly admit you also get excited at the prospect of 'big wins' then I truthfully think you are not the person to help him as you clearly have issues of your own surrounding gambling. If you are serious about this relationship for the right reasons then you both need to seek urgent help today.
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