Lost.

The kids are making sure it doesn't stay tidy as we speak haha!

He had a councillor since last year and recently finished the sessions, he still has his contact details and said he was going to ring him but I don't think he did.

His mum is helping him and bailing him out of his bank overdraft even though she knows he needs help, she also does the same for his dad! I've told him I won't be bailing him out and that i'm going to get a councillor for myself.

He has just this second walked through the door with a bunch of money in his hand and said here's the kids money back. I asked if he'd got it from the bookies and his reply was "no, a scratchcard actually".

Why?! I'm trying to pull myself together and he's tearing everything down at every opportunity with his ignorance. I'm trying not to be angry but at times like this it's so so hard 🙁

If being angry would help you, then go for it, you feel what you feel, and living with an active gambler is more than most humans can stand, no one here would blame you, but it wont have any effect on a gambler, it will just be used as another excuse to gamble, so let go of the result, you cant control that, but do the right thing by yourself, you are putting up with an awful lot.

It's sad that his mum is prologing the agony with her good intentions.

He's trying to punish me for not getting angry or giving him some sort of recognition. I just sat and clenched my jaw and said nothing. I refuse to let him call me a psychopath or that i'm not fit to look after the kids because I'm crazy etc.

His mum won't let him stay there and doesn't like to have the burden of him so she always comes and persuades me to take him back.

Not this time. I can't. Enough is enough and im exhausted.

I have spoken to my sister a bit today. I deleted my Facebook etc as I can't face people atm and I also turned down my friend coming over as I can't talk about it to her because it makes her resent him and they don't like each other in the first place.

He's going to "work" now, which means a night in the bookies. When he rings in tears later im going to be strong and tell him I can't help. I'm not strong enough, im only just keeping my own head above water. Within a few minutes he's managed to bring my mood back down to rock bottom. This can't be any way to live?

You're right, it is not a way to live. Well done for talking to your sister, cultivate your lines of support, always remember you didnt create this situation so you have no reason to be being embarrassed or keeping quiet about it, it's not you, it's too much to bear alone, hopefully you get a peaceful evening while he "works".

I'll be ok while the kids keep me busy but once they are asleep I feel lost and I can't stop thinking about things. Even when I'm asleep im having horrible dreams about it.

He's taken his bank card so I don't have Control over that anymore. I'm guessing by now that it is empty.

Should I take the money he's put back into the kids piggy bank or give it back??

I vote for keep it rather than have it wasted, you might need it yourself if you fancy popping off to see your family for a few days or something.

I'm going to put it into their savings account where he can't take it back. I'm going to start putting my own money into it too as only I can draw it out as my name is on the book.

It no doubt would be wasted but it's almost like blood money! He owes it them so I'll just look at it that it belongs to them. I can't believe he's taken his card. The last time I tried to stop him I threw it out of the bedroom window and it got lost in a tree for weeks!

Theres a whole story about hiding a card in my bra and then needing it and realising it had just gone in the wash with my bra, but being just about able to work out the mirror image of numbers that were indented into my skin from having it there all day. Ive put on so much weight lately you could print the whole bank statement now.

Hiding money at the first sign of stress in a gambler becomes autopilot, dont worry about the card tonight, its gone, whats done is done. Make the most of the quiet time, tickle some children, do something to make yourself smile, it's contagious, you deserve a nice evening after your horrible day.

This actually made me laugh! I have also put on weight and im one of the Unlucky ones that when i'm stressed I eat, most people lose a little weight but I gain it!

Thankyou for asking about me today it was really thoughtful of you and I appreciate it. I hope you enjoy your evening too 🙂

Hi GemLou89

Pangolin wrote... "You're right, it is not a way to live. Well done for talking to your sister, cultivate your lines of support, always remember you didnt create this situation so you have no reason to be being embarrassed or keeping quiet about it, it's not you, it's too much to bear alone."

You need to be able to talk, unburden yourself. Don't be afraid to ask for help, a shoulder to cry on. Anonymity is very important to some people in this regard. Sometimes we don't feel able to 'open up' to friends or relatives. So, feel free to unburden yourself here, or seek out your own counsellor.

Best wishes

Hi Wal1957,

I've told my sister and she's about the only person who does listen without judging him and let's me rant. Although she is worried about me this time as she knew how high I'd had my hopes up for change. The fall felt so much greater this time. I'm going to find a councillor and get everything out and start to sort myself out.

He's like a different person today, like nothing has happened but for me it's still there and im still too angry. He's sleeping on the sofa at the moment and he has no money left. He text late last night to say it was all gone. I've hidden the kids money and im glued to my card as I know he's only being nice for me to help him out of his mess.

I still can't face other people at the moment and my friend tried again last night but I agreed to go for dinner with her Wednesday so I'll talk to her then. I know it's not my fault but I can never help wondering if there was anything more I could have done to help prevent it. I guess not and nothing will be good enough until he wants to change.

Hi GemLou89

I'm thinking that he will be thinking about going back and winning back his losses. Hide any money that you may have. As gamblers, we tend to wager more after a loss than after a win.

I don't know whether he has pawned anything to finance his gambling. Either way, I would suggest that if you have anything of value (jewellery etc) that you hide this as well. At some stage, he may look to this as a way to finance his gambling.

Best wishes always

I have just asked him to give me his card and the wages he gets paid tonight (if he'll have any left at all or advanced it, I don't know) but he's refusing and just being nasty saying I've abandoned him when he needed me.

My jewellery is currently in the pawn shop as we've been low on funds, now I know why! But at least it's in a safe place and the kids money is hidden. He's also angry at the fact I have done this as he says he'd never touch it.

He might have got loans I don't know about as at the moment he is seeming desperate.

I hope my anger subsides soon as I'm exhausted. Today is going to be very long and hard. He's not willing to talk he's just sat on the playstation and any reply is snappy or horrible. I give up. I'll try again tomorrow and see if I can coax the card and money from him before he spends it.

Thank you for your advice 🙂

Hi GemLou89

At the height of my gambling, I had 7 credit cards (all maxed out), and I had refinanced the house 4 times. I am divorced (not due to gambling), so I live alone. My brother and sister who live about 15 miles away were totally unaware of my financial situation. It is very easy to hide, lie about money when you have to. Do NOT trust him!

Some married members of my GA group here in Australia had similar situations. There main worry was the postman delivering the bills. They were always checking the mailbox before their partner could, so their partner couldn't see the bills.

As always, try to take care of yourself. It is very easy to forget or not be bothered about looking out for number one in this situation.

Best wishes

Funnily enough he has been asking if the post has been yet, very out of character.

He just stormed out yet again, it's becoming more and more volatile and this house is like a living hell when he's here.i just want a normal life and if that makes me selfish then so be it. He was unwilling to let me pick up his wages as he said everything im trying to do is just belittling him. This is not my intention at all I just want to help him get sorted and try and fill his bank back up sensibly. He just said it's my fault and there's no wonder he does it living with me. I know it's not true but it still hurts like hell.

I'm gonna have a cup of tea and play lego with my 4 year old for a while while he's gone. I feel so guilty for them and what they hear of it and when they see me cry.

I am seriously considering a divorce this time around. I don't trust him at all and even little things he says I don't believe and it makes him angrier that I don't believe him. He is out of control and even raised his fist before he left. How far can I let this go? It needs to stop and I know deep down I can't carry on like this.