Lost.

Physical intimidation was my breaking point. Other people take more, some less.

In the face of intimidation, stopped listening to anything Mr Pangolin said, my only response was "get help, you are ill, get help", some times whispered, sometimes screamed, but for 48 hours it was all I said to him. I think somewhere, deep down, he knew it was right, but when he lost control of me, when i couldnt be manipulated, that was the worst time. I was ready for divorce, i started telling people what was going on, so that if anything did happen to me, they would point the finger fast.

I dont know how long that situation would have gone on for, but my eldest son was suddenly hospitalised, military family, so it was complicated to get to where he was and I chose to get things organised via someone who we dont like very much, as he was in best position to get things moving, this involved bypassing Mr P altogether. It was all just too important and I couldnt have him making a life or death situation for my son all about him again. Mr P was furious but i think to be left out of such a situation did break through a barrier somewhere, when he asked why, i said he could only make the situation worse and left it at that.

The next time I saw him he was clean and tidy, washing up, smiling, saying he was going to a GA meeting that night. He slept on the sofa for a few weeks after that still, it took me a while to start feeling good about things, gam anon were great for helping me though all that.

That was my rock bottom, sitting by a hospital bedside, dreading going home, scared to leave my other children with him. Those last days of his deperate manipulations as it all unravelled for him were awful, he was so spiteful.

Today I am happy. I am still with Mr Pangolin, because he changed. The ground rules i put in place made me feel like I could relax again, eventually. One day I noticed that he still loved me and I fell in love with the new Mr P.

If he had not changed I would still be happy today, single, but happy.

Hi again GemLou89

As a mere male, I can assure you that words do indeed hurt more than fists. Try not to take too much to heart.

When I first stopped gambling, I handed over the control of my finances to a family member, they had total control for about 18 months. They paid the bills, and allocated me an allowance each week which I had to live on. This was the only way that I was ever going to be able to start tackling the debt that I had accrued. To this day, that family member has the ability to look at my accounts online.

Was this belittling? Yes! I was 51 years of age, a grown man. But a very weak man when it came to gambling. However, I knew that it was something that had to be put in place. If I had access to money, I would have gambled it.

You can only do so much to help him. He will only stop if he wants to.

As always, take care of number one...yourself.

Thankyou both for your replies.

My first relationship was an abusive one that ended after 3 years with an injunction. If it comes to that I will not under any circumstances stay with him. Words do hurt an awful lot more than a fist would. Words stick in the back of your mind whether you want them to or not.

He came back with his tail between his legs suddenly agreeing to everything I had asked. I can't help but think he went away and though of ways that he will still outsmart me in terms of money.

I know he loves me but my love for him gets clouded by the hate. A red mist descends and so far it's still here! I resent him for everything and I just don't feel i am myself anymore.

Thats why i go to gam anon, it dissolves all that red mist. I didnt do anything wrong, I had every right to be angry, but I didnt want to be, it wasnt me, it was too tiring. I go to gam anon for me and my happiness, hopefully your counselling will do the same for you.

Take your time.

I am exhausted. I am definitely going to look into a councillor, probably 1 on 1 for now until I am a bit more confident. I need it and im going to ring first thing monday 🙂

I have just filled in a form online to request a councillor. Its a step in the right direction and im quite proud of myself and the determination I have this time!

Hi GemLou89

I think it's great that you are seeking some counselling sessions. It's very important that you do 'open up' with the counsellor. Remember, everything you say is totally confidential.

I found that I had to go to 3 different counsellors before I found the person that I felt at ease with. Until I found that person, I wasn't comfortable enough to reveal the 'real' me, and what was troubling me.

Don't forget that we will still be here.

Best wishes

Hi Wal1957!,

My husband was the same. He finally found a male councillor he was completely comfortable with and I must say I thought he was brilliant. Unfortunately when his sessions ended he moved areas which is worrying for me. He gave my husband permission to call him etc if needed and he says he has done so and that he's going to call him Monday to see how he's getting on. I'm dreading getting out of bed today and seeing if he has any wages left. I don't care for the money, it's all about the trust when he says he won't spend it but can't help himself.

I certainly won't forget about you all on here, you have been a great support and comfort and I wish I had joined sooner! To have the views from both perspectives helps a great deal because my husband is all over the place he doesn't make any sense at the moment and anything he said I probably wouldn't believe.

Thanks again for your reply 🙂

That's why I dont even bother asking questions, i already know what the answers are or what i would do with any answer, i save my ears the stress.

When he was actively gambling i really didnt want the answers, i didnt want to listen to the lies, i didnt want to be distracted from what i had to do, i didnt want my words twisted, but even with him in recovery, questioning seems a bit pointless

I like having my mind to myself.

I've stopped asking because he tells me the truth and actually doesn't look bothered as he does it. I'm still waiting to hear back for a councillor but I hope the wait isn't too long. Things are still bad and we are barely on speaking terms, it's horrible. I don't know what's going to happen but as far as I can see at the moment the marriage is over.

Hi Gemlou89

Very sorry to read that you think the marriage is over. It is not my place, nor anyone else's to tell you what you should do in that regard, that is entirely between you and your husband.

re him telling you the truth? That, in itself is a good sign. The fact that he is showing no remorse however, is not.

He really does need to see a counsellor ar attend GA meetings or similar. We know how he feels, we've been there, done whatever he's done, and in a lot of cases probably worse. He needs to be around people who are facing this similar problem. They can help him if he wants to be helped.

I hope your counselling sessions help you. In the meantime. keep blowing off steam here. It's good to vent every now and then. 🙂

Best wishes

Hi Wal1957 🙂

Unfortunately we've just had a spanner in the works and he's lost his job. Now he's in bits and looks even more worse for wear. I can see he's practically begging me to bail him out with money but I just can't bring myself to do it. Is it selfish of me to leave him in debt to sort himself out??

I thought I may have heard from a councillor today but I haven't. I hope I get one sooner rather than later. I'm going to try and get him into a gam anon session or another councillor because he desperately needs it. He's going off the rails and im hoping he doesn't do anything he'll later regret.

Thankyou 🙂

Personally, I would let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Losing jobs, things like that, they happen and people have to cope. If he still isnt going take on board how much gambling is the problem, if he harbours that idea that gambling is the solution, and that seems to be quite common with CGs, then you are probably going to find you bailing him out with money enables him to gamble again, the more stressed he is, the more likely he is to gamble. So your bailing him out would be a very temporary solution to his stress.

If he has debts, something like stepchange or pay plan can buy him a great deal of time to get back on his feet. That's his next step. My first attempts to tell mr P that, when he was at his worst, were met with fury, all sorts of insults about how i didnt understand anything, so stay strong if thats the reposnse you get. Stepchange were very helpful for us when he went into recovery stage.

If the marriage is over, you need to distance yourself from his problems, if the marriage is to continue, then he has to start dealing with his problems, so in my eyes, the solution remains the same whatever.

Im reading this back and it sounds very harsh, it's just me and how i would be feeling if it were mr P again, I too was pushing him to go to GA, GP, counsellor anyone who would help him so i didnt feel like it was all up to me when we went through it.

I know from what you say that you are doing your absolute best here and i have so much respect for you, which is why i have been very straight with what i think, you know your own mind though, so take what you want from our stories on here, no one handles this better than you are now, so stick to your guns, you're doing good.

Hi GemLou89

I couldn't have said it any better than Pangolin. Whatever you do, do NOT bail him out. He has to understand that there are consequences inherent in gambling.

Best wishes

Thankyou all for your replies!

The councillor for myself has been in touch so I just need to call her back and set something up, im so relieved 🙂

I think he's got the message that i'm not going to bail him out at all e cause he's thrown hint after hint out and I haven't said a word about helping him out.

He may have a new job in the coming weeks which is in the lorries and possibly working away. He thinks this will stop his gambling but I think he needs more help, it's falling on deaf ears at the moment but one step at a time 🙂