Lost.

Hi again GemLou89

This time I am going to throw a spanner in the works. If he is going to be working away from home, he will be able to hide his gambling from you that much easier. Remember, I am a recovering gambler. We are devious, lying, untrustworthy people when we are gambling. Be aware.

Unless he gets the help he needs, nothing is likely to change. And, as we all know, he has to want to stop his gambling, he can't be forced into it.

Be strong, don't bail him out. He has to accept the consequences of his actions.

I do hope that your counselling helps. Best wishes

Hi Wal1957 🙂

I thought this myself, he will lie etc. He's in denial at the moment. I have the councillor next Wednesday so hopefully I can get myself on the right track. I feel a little happier and calmer at the moment at just the thought of this break, I feel like Ive got a bit of space in my own mind.

I'm going to be strong and refuse point blank to bail him out, I won't do it and if I get the urge I'll spend it all on chocolate so i havent got any left to bail him out with haha! Win win! But on a serious note as far as he goes I will never let myself be naive again. I feel differently this time and I know it scares him but he has to face upto his own life and his own problems, im supposed to be his wife not his mother or carer.

Thanks again for your replies 🙂

Hi GemLou89

Chocolate is definitely a better investment:)

Well today is mothers day and he's picked his day well to be a horrible bully. He's sat calling me a bad mother and telling me gambling makes him happier than I ever did amongst other things, I wish that he would just move out, I'm sick and tired of the kids having to see me cry. I try not to give him the satisfaction but it hurts especially when it comes to the kids.

I've got the councillor on wednesday so hopefully she can help dig me out of this hell hole. It's 1 step forward and two steps back. I know he's trying to grind me down to take him back but I won't do it.

Hi GemLou89

Im the mother of a gambler and I was dreading today, first Mothers Day with out him and no matter how much I've told myself be strong there was a little bit of me still hoping that there might of been a card on the door mat, and of course there wasnt and isnt going to be. The way your husband talks to you is the same as our son talks to us, manipuliative, lying, nasty etc, etc, and its became intolerable and we told him to stay away from us for at least a while we had a break from it all. Telling him to stay away has been one of the hardest decsisions of our lives and the Mum in me feels so guilty and it goes against what my default mum setting is, to hug him and make it better for him, which of course he uses to his advantage. I get all the you're a bad Mum insults one of the recent ones was I was s**m when Id refused him money. Since coming to this forum and talking to all these wise people Ive found the courage to stand up for myself and do the "tough love" that we need to do and am prepared to be as tough as we need to be for him and us. It took me a long time to realise that we cant help him, we tried everything and the best way to help him is actually do nothing him, he has to want the help for himself and its time he faces the consequences of his actions, hes done some awful things including stealing. I would be lying if I said I dont miss him desperately and the urge to go and get him is strong, so strong that if I saw him Im not sure I could stop myslef today especially and thats why he has to stay away. Since hes been gone its been hard but the sense of relief and get some "breathing space" has been amazing, its time to think more clearly, and its a relief knowing that today hes not going to be in my face, manipulating me or calling me names. We hoped for a long time that things would improve and the promises from him that this or that would work and that he could "fix" himself but all that happened was that he got worse and all gamblers do who dont get help from the right people. We went round in circles for a long time and it just never stopped until we decided to break the cycle and said enough and it would never of stopped if we hadnt. Please put yourself and your children first, no matter how much your husband loves you all gambling will come before everyone and everything else for him.

Thabkyou for your reply as67,

I really feel for you, the unconditional love for yourchildren is unmeasurable compared to a partner or husband. I was trying my dammed hardest to ignore it but he got the best of me and I packed his things and threw the cases out of the window. That just made me feel worse and more useless than ever.

He's been sleeping on the sofa vut I've told him he has to leave the house now. I can't have a unhappy home for my children it's so unfair on them and that's what makes me lose my temper especially when they can hear him threaten me. I think he went to the bookies shortly after. It's a total lost cause and I am going to do the same as you and distance myself from it all. I have the councillor to talk to this week so im looking forward to getting it all out.

I hope you find the strength to get through today and here's to hoping our next one is much better 🙂

Hi gem ur fella sounds totally out of control he needs help ive had co duelling myself if you need any numbers for groups in your area I'm here x

Hi Gemlou

I have read your diary and makes me feel really sad to hear the devastation its ccausing you. I am a cg in recovery and glad to say im in cojnselling set up a dmp and handed mty finances over but this only happened when I hit rock bottom. as a cg please know that it is not your fault, nothing you have done or could have done will have changed the situation. You are incredibly strong and should be telling yourself you have done and tried everything you could of done. There is only so much one person can take and sounds like you have taken more than your fair share His actions are his actions and his responsibility, never feel guilty and certainly don't bail him out. As cgs its only when we have to really face up to our actions and the consequences smack us in the face is the time when we are truly ready to stop and for some its when they have lost everything or the fear of losing everything. Sadly for some the fear is not quite enough until it is reality. Dont listen to the horrible things he says to you as im sure he doesn't mean it its the demon in him speaking. Often projecting our anger onto someone else makes cgs feel better which is both sad and sick. There is no excuse for this behaviour. The anger is for some elements of control and to manipulate so stay strong and and do your best to ignore it. When these outbursts no longer get a reaction, theonly ooption he will have is to be nice. Stay strong anf really hope things get better.

Becky

Hi Becky,

Thankyou for your kind words and I wish you well on your recovery. We are trying again with the marriage and he's promised to get a councillor again so we shall see. You were right that his only option was to be nice again, I'd had enough got myself a councillor and was ready to move on. This scared him into action, he handed his finances over to his mum and has been trying to make it up everyday. This time around was so much worse than any before, I just couldn't snap him out of it, he'd just lost it. If it does happen again im afraid I can't go through it all again.

Good luck and stay strong 🙂