lost everything due to partners gambling

Welcome to the forum,

It sounds like you need better advice than I can give but I do suggest giving GamCare a call as a first step. There is another organisation called GamAnon which is specifically there to support the family who are victims of this addiction.

Put simply, he can't 'fix' the damage he has done (there is no 'fix' for gambling addiction) but with commitment to recovery and a genuine desire to change he can't help to rebuild your lives (if you are still together). The money is gone but the main problem is the addiction, if he can address this and begin his recovery then the money will return in time (albeit not quickly).

Well done for coming here, it's a great first step and there are plenty who can advise you better than me but wanted to come along and, as a victim from the other side of the fence, show my support.

All the best and, first and foremost, take care of yourself.

Phil

Thank you taking the time to reply. I called the helpline as you suggested and have requested to go and see a counsellor myself, if just so I have someone to talk to in all of this. I am currently switching between feelings of utter despair at what he's done to our family and pitty for him and what he's become. He says he wants to go and get a loan out for the money and to give it to us, he'd never be able to do that or cope financially. I feel like I need to help him fix it and I don't know how. Part of me just wants to cut and run.

Hi rollinginthedeep. I'm so sorry, what a shock. Firstly I would find out why he took debt in your name. Why can't he borrow? There's no way he could get £32k loan without a property. Secondly make sure there is no more joint finances. Get credit reports to clarify what is in your name. The money is gone. Getting credit in your name is fraud. Get debt advice from national debtline. Debt camel is also good website. He needs to get to a GA meeting asap. He needs to get advice about his debt and how he's going to repay it. I would strongly recommend you take over all finance so you can see what's going on. He can't be trusted. If you can find a gamanon meeting near you, get some support and practical advice from others in your position. Ask lots of questions here.

I'm sorry to see this. It's horrendous when we discover what's been going on behind our backs.

First thing to say is it's his debt to pay. His problem to fix. Your priorities should be securing the family finances and getting support for yourself, beyond that he can find out what he can do about his debt. If he's taken out credit fraudulently as it appears he needs expert advice. CAB might be somewhere he could start.

Don't fall into the trap of being too pitying or too understanding. It leaves you open to the manipulation all active gamblers are expert at. He can get the support and advice he needs from counselling and GA. Put yourself, your needs and those of the children first every single time.

Thank you all for the really helpful advice and taking the time to respond. So... I've now viewed credit reports to see what is in each of our names: more in his but lots in mine also. I've contacted the bank to set up a new account in my name and I'm going to deal with all my finances from there. I'm thinking his wage should go to there too- can I do that? Can I close our joint account without him? I've deleted betting apps and taken all his bank cards away. I've left him with cash only and hidden my bank details and cards. What else do I need to do? He's requesting 48hrs to get his head right then wants to seek help. I'm not sure I believe him, I feel it's just extra time to concentrate on deceiving me further and not deal with the problem. Is there any point in councelling if he's not fully open to it? Tonight I found two secret email addresses he has, I'm trusting him less and less as the day goes on. I can't believe how much has happened and how much it's all fallen apart in just 24hours.

Evening,

A very sad story you have told and i cГ n only echo what others have said previously.

BUT alarm bells are ringing. You say that you are trusting less each day but have left him with cash only. Could he find his way to a bookies or casino for another punt. Think about removing all chances to gamble.

Best wishes

Hi if you give him cash it's best to get a receipt so you see how it's spent. Don't trust a cg. Only trust what you see. He should face what he's done, be 100% honest.

I couldn’t read and run- you’ve had an awful shock and what’s more, he’s somehow managed to build up debt in your name. I agree, keep an eye on the credit situation. Someone suggested this to me the other week, and it’s the best thing that I’ve done, as I can see exactly what he’s up to.

I went to my bank last week, and with their help, managed to untangle our joint finances. This has already made my life easier. OH is temporarily having his wages paid into my account so that I can keep hold of his money for the time being, as he has admitted that he doesn’t trust himself. Is your OH ready to face up to things yet, or are you doing this alone? Talking about things in a session has helped me in the last week- without support, I’d have had no idea how to look after myself at this tricky time. It’s hard not to get sucked into a gambler’s problem, but concentrate on what you need to do, rather than worrying about your partner!

Thank you for taking the time to respond when you have your own situations to deal with. It's so helpful at a time when I'm finding it hard to even think straight. I have given him a small amount of cash for parking etc but receipts is a good idea. I feel like I'm spending all my time wondering what he's doing and obsessively watching him rather then living. I intend to keep a close eye on experian credit scores etc to make sure nothing changes, I'm logged in as him and me. Any other things I need to be viewing? He tells me he is 100% on board with me and sorry and wants me to take control. He keeps reminding me that I have control and he couldn't do it even if he wanted to. I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and feel paranoia and despair. Keeping it hidden from those around us is the hardest, being calm and pleasant when I'm screaming on the inside.

Why are you keeping it from everyone else? If that is your choice, ok but are you sure?

Have you blocked his access to all things online? I’ve changed the password on the computer and temporarily, he has a brick for a mobile. He can still go online if he really wants to, but he can no longer spend whole evenings obsessively checking the markets (his problem is spread betting and dodgy investments). I believe you can block access to gambling sites- although I’m sure that there are people better qualified than I who know about these things!

I haven't blocked things online, I wouldn't know where to start. I think I'm really out of my depth. I just don't know how I'd tell people if I did and I also guess I'm feeling so foolish for it happening that I can't bring myself to be judged. I suppose I feel I'm protecting my children from reality by covering it up. Again, don't know if I'm going the right thing. I've contemplated telling one friend, just so I have someone to talk to I guess. So much easier to talk to strangers!

Hi if he's 100% on board you can get him to download blocking software with you and you get a bar code (ad hoc number you can't remember) and you type password which he doesn't see. That's an option. Addiction feeds on secrets and lies. Telling someone close is support. Also telling family is a warning to them. My husband was bailed out many times by his father, who didn't tell me. It's only afterwards you realise why they don't want anyone to know. Also we are ashamed. This isn't your shame. Try and find a meeting, honestly it will help. Others who are in your situation or were. Gambling becomes a habit, they are addicted and don't want to give it up. It's also a choice. The '48 hours ' would make me think he's got a bet on a game or an accumulator. He's waiting for the big win. So that time period has gone, now you should see what he's going to do.

You might also consider using parental controls from your ISP to block access at home. The account holder sets the password.

But blocking isn’t the big issue, it’s simply a support tool for him (if he wants it) and more protection for the family. The real issue is the addiction and associated dysfunction. Not telling the children (or anyone else who needs to know) protects no one, it simply perpetuates the lie. The children aren’t stupid, they can see what’s going on around them and telling them that what they can see and hear (arguments, tension, financial strain) is not really happening, is telling them that their perceptions are wrong. Which leaves them two bad options, either their care giver is lying to them or what’s happening to them is imaginary. All of which keeps the dysfunction going strong.

Keep your focus on you.

CW