Me again

Hi Bark in Silence

Ive found that living with a cg leaves untold lasting damage and given what you've been through you've every right to feel the way you do.

I seriously used to worry about my sanity too and if it hadnt been for counselling I think Id probably still be thinking that way. A compulsive gambler is very selfish, and they have no conscience when it comes to how they treat us, so yes you're going to be angry. As time goes by you find you're sort of on a hair trigger, it takes very little to annoy you or upset you, and even though your husband might be in recovery you're still reeling from all the damage he did.

Why should you keep this a secret, thats for his benefit not yours, ,living this way is a very lonely experience so you tell a friend or relative it really does help.My son used to beg me not to tell anyone and I didn't for a long time until one day after a particularly awful argument he again said to not tell anyone and I lost the plot. I said this is not my shame Ive done nothing wrong and I couldnt bare another day feeling so lonely so I picked up the phone and called my sister, it was huge relief just to tell someone. If you're not already getting counselling get that sorted asap, its the best thing Ive ever done, you need the support .

My son isnt in our lives any more and thats the way it has to be for now and I can say Im ok with that, and I really didnt think Id ever be able to say that. If Ive learned one thing from living with a cg the most important thing is to look after ourselves first, I know doesnt sound right coming from Mum but its a lesson Ive had to learn the hard way.

Take care

Evening Bark in silence.

I understand what you say you are feeling completely. My husband is a cg. His treatment of me over the last 18 months has left me at times feeling suicidal....and it's hard for me to say that but it is the truth. I'm never allowed to talk to anyone outside of his parents about his gambling. I can only speak to them coz they have been dealt a harsher blow than me by what he does over the years and they have had it for a lot longer than me truth be told. But to the outside world, he is a fun, loving, kind and genuine man who treasures his family.....utter horse-s**t but that's the image we must uphold. Until I broke completely and told the schools what was happening and left him with our children. Then all the promises came out. How he knew he had been a worse than sh**y husband to me, that he wanted to make things right so would get counselling....and he did....twice....and is now refusing to go anymore. We have been back to the old behaviour this week....shouting and ranting when his bet loses, having a go at me and blaming me - coz of course, it's my fault, slamming doors, asking for more money, ultimatums if I don't do as he says and wants, moods darker than ink......all behaviours he said he knew needed to stop and were stopping and I was suckered in like a chump, yet again!

My story aside, apologies, that came tumbling out once I started...., the anger and resentment is normal. Have you had some counselling? I am starting mine next week and am relieved for many reasons....1) to finally be able to tell someone who understands other than his parents. 2) To know that my feelings are justified, recognised and real 3) To clarify that I'm not going flipping mad like he says I am! 4) to have firm confirmation that his behaviour is wrong, not just me overreacting like he says 5) to hopefully get some ways to deal with the situation more effectively, tho I am leaning more towards divorce than staying together if I'm brutally honest. I just can't go through anymore. I want to get off the roller coaster. Enough is enough. If I thought I was broken before, I am now after this weeks shenanighans!

Your husband has to face upto what he has created. Not you. You are surviving it and living day to day, just like him. But his selfishness doesn't see you and the damage his behaviour has caused. He sees himself only. It's harsh, but true. Find ways to protect yourself. Ignore the things he says and does, he will hate it and try to goad you but don't do it.....no reaction at all is better than the way it has been surely? It's not ignorance, just selective battles with someone who wants to score points so he doesn't feel like the s**t he is....sorry. Can you tell I'm bitter too?!

Stay strong, get counselling and good luck,

I wish you well.

Sad x

Hi, BiS,

Why the silence? What would happen if you did tell? He wouldn't like it? And...what?

He may encourage the silence for his own ends but the mouth in question is yours, you control it, not him. Otherwise something is very badly wrong.

I told who I thought needed to know. This was far more people than he would have wished and at one stage he said sullenly that I was making it more difficult for him to recover. But it was never about spitefully denouncing him, it was about telling the kids, people in close contact with them ie the school, close family who had previously been known to part with cash, the GP, my close friends who support me. The Therapist.

My husband has been gf since he was finally exposed at the end of June. HL found that in her husband's case, the fog lifted quite quickly and his attitude changed but such wasn't our experience, for us, the addict thinking continued. Hence my threads on manipulation and making amends. It's only within the last few weeks that my husband has been making a serious attempt to change himself, rather than just being gf. Not my doing, it's him. Nothing happens overnight, it takes time and effort to change years of addictive thinking. We may just get there but with therapy, marriage counselling, meetings, time and effort. Getting over what he's done is a huge hurdle for me but I know that if I don't (eventually and in my own time), I will be the loser, long term. And getting over it apart and getting over it and staying together require different levels of getting over it. Nothing's easy but at the moment, it seems to be more worthwhile.

I think the key is managing expectations and being informed. I have found it helpful to read up on addiction, I liked Twerski, "Addictive Thinking", published by Hazelden and available from a certain on line retailer with a name that includes both ends and the middle of the alphabet.

Hope some of this helps,

CW