Money lost , Lies and deceit or both ?

Hi db you need to get some support. Call gamcare get some help and advice asap. Restrict his access to money, hide all your finances cards statements. If you can manage his money. Stealing from work is troubling. There are a few other parents on here, not many. I go to gamanon and there are at 8 parents who com regularly . There was someone on here couple of weeks back who stole from work and admitted it immediately. It will go in his favour if he can do this before being found out. Please get some help for both of you.

Dan and Alan, even if it was late in the day at least you both had the courage to confess so credit for that. Second time, I was left to find out and piece it together for myself. Wouldn't recommend that to anyone.

Dan - the only thing I can say is take the snippy comments and anger on the chin. Being brutally honest from my own POV there wasn't anything Mr L could have said to defend or or justify himself anyway and if he'd tried I don't think I'd have been reponsible for my actions. I wasn't interested in the whys and wherefores. All I wanted to hear was that it was over.

Keep going with 100% honesty but be prepared for the delightful gambling industry to undermine that with email offers and even snail mail from time to time. It doesn't take much to stir up the hornet's nest again but if you've nothing to hide there won't be anything that can't be resolved.

Have you looked into GA? It's another way of showing her you mean business and there will be people there who have been exactly where you are. I see you have a hectic schedule but maybe compare the couple of hours a week GA would take out of the week with the time and effort you spent gambling? GA is one of the best methods out there for maintaining GF momentum once the initial dust has settled.

Db - Sorry to see about your son. Has he said he wants to stop? If he does there are lots of things he can do which will eliminate his access to gambling with immediate effect but he has to want it and then keep on wanting it more than he wants the next bet.

Thanks Alan, Lethe and Merry go Round for your advice and help. My son hopefully will find help on this site. I am trying to take this all in as it is so new. I am willing to help him but I am afraid he is still in denial. He says he wants to stop and get help and I want to believe him but I think this is down to necessity and not need. I think he is lying. We paid his debts off recently and he has been caught out again getting a loan, we had the overdue payment letter yesterday. I live in fear of the postman and now the door bell and the baillifs coming round again for money. He says he wants help but i think it is because he has been caught out again. I will hopefully be able to gain good advice here and have already asked for a counselling session for myself. Thanks again.

Hi db, first thing we learn is dont pay their debt . It's frees them to start again. Make him pay you back. He has to be accountable for his actions. Software blockers, apparently parent control can stop gambling websites in the house. Call your provider. You say bailiff again? You need to try and find a gamanon meeting get some real help and support.

Yep agree all the way with Merry go round ! .

As much as he's your son , He's not your little boy ( I know he alway's will be ) but what I'm saying is he need's to sort this mess out for himself ,.

I ended up with about £11, 000 worth of debt and at the time Ihad many offers from family and even friends who were happy to step in and clear it for me but as nice as it was them doing that for me , I honestly know it would have wiped the slate clean and allowed me just to rack up more debt if the urge to gamble became too strong to resist , I actually feel owning that debt has helped me in a roundabout way , 2 yrs on and although I could pay the balance off ( just over £2,000 ) I enjoy seeing it going down each month and it also serves as a reminder how far I've come .

I can understand any parent wanting to help out but take it from me gambling's different , weve not just got ourselves into a little debt because something's cropped up unexpectedly as with a big bill , we have an addiction which all the time we can feed with your money or anyone else's will keep flourishing , it's not help it's enabling us to continue .

I'm not trying to sound harsh but we have to want to stop , to seek help and to embrace the change in order to get better , be there for him when he needs support or to take charge of his affairs by all means , just don't be his source of money .

Look after you :))

People in the grips of addiction have an incredible capacity to beleive the lies addiction is telling them. Addiction convinces them what it must for it's survival. We on the other end of this while far from perfect are left shadow boxing... fighting something but now quite sure what.

I am the mom of a cg who is once again in the throws of addiction. For us it really isn't about the money as he doesn't have much ability to effect our finances (we no longer help pay off debts etc). I have been on the sidelines for 10 years watching a train wreck. It is laughable (bittersweet) hearing addicts say this is something that doesn't require sharing with someone you share your life with but then again nothing is as selfish as an addict... especially one still in denial, still trying to make all the rules.

Cathy

Hi Cathy , Sorry to hear of the ongoing struggle you face with your Son , as for your post I don't think it could have been put any better , I'm glad for this thread I really am and I think it's in the right place , there's so many that come to the forum hearing the advice " You don't need to share " under the guise that it's for the benefit of the partner . If day one isn't about being honest for the first time in what is for most Cg's " Many Years " of lies and deciet then how can you move forward ?.

As alway's many thanks for your input around the forum and best wishes for you and your's

Alan

Its not about the money for me, although it has caused hardship and arguments its the breakdown in trust.

A fantastic topic to raise Alan!!!

The answer is unequivocally the lies, deceit and total breakdown of trust. Yes, the financial loss is devastating, but nothing compared to knowing that you have been lied to by the very person you should have been able to trust. I believe that there are supposed to be signs to look out for when someone is lying to you, but addicts become so accomplished that I don't think these signs are apparent. In my husband's case I think he actually believed his own lies.

I put this question to my two children this evening "What is the worst of what dad has done and what upsets you the most"? My son said, and I quote "it's all those lies he told us and even when you had those bank things on your iPad he still said he hadn't done anything "

My daughter said "I asked him Mummy, I said are you sure those games on your phone are free Daddy and he said yes of course they are. I've worked out what he used to do now Mummy, I think he used to tell you he had less in his account than he did and with the extra money he could gamble. I hate lies"

My deceased mother had a saying....." Always remember that you can protect yourself from a thief but you can never protect yourself from a liar"

Thank you GMH.

I felt I wanted to hear it from people affected by gambling rather than the people who cause you the heartache , I'm alway's in conversation but mailnly with other gamblers on this site , many of whom still feel It's the money that's the problem and the lying and deceit doesn't matter so much so therefore they can carry on keeping thier loved ones in the dark.about gambling even though they may have stopped.

I'm of the opinion that if your going to have any chance of beating this addiction you have to be honest from day one and from what I've read on the f and f page that's also the feedback I'm getting from you .

In regard's to your last post to me , what do they say about " Out of the mouth of Babe's " ?

And your late Mother was clearly a very wise Lady !

I wish you well and thanks for the response .

Alan x

Hi I can see you offering lots of support out there. Just read a bit about you and well done and thank you

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Hi Alan,

It rhymed with "China!" 😉

Mixer

100% the lying! That is what I am struggling with. I've always known my OH had some debt and last year when I was made redundant he told me a figure. Whilst I was angry I accepted it (albeit at that time I had no idea he had a problem). Now I find out by pure accident that it's double what he originally told me and it's all down to gambling. Feels like the whole relationship has been based on lies and deceit and that is what I am certainly struggling with most. Yes, I am bloody annoyed he could do this to his family and deny them so much that the money could have bought, but it's the downright lies and deceit that has hurt me to my core. Especially from someone that I trusted implicitly. OP you are very wise and I truly wish you the best of luck with your recovery. I hope my OH sees the effects of gambling so clearly soon.

Hi, it’s the lies I couldn’t bare, I wonder do they know that they are lying or is it just that natural that they don’t even know they’re doing it? I’ve recently broke up with my compulsive gambler, it was not an easy decision as we have a young daughter together but the lies ramped up and the emotional abuse that came with it were too much to take, is that a normal behaviour to emotionally abuse your other half? im so confused, was it me, is it me? I don’t even recognise I am a victim, I see a counsellor who’s suggested I am. The guilt I feel is tremendous!

The lies are utterly heartbreaking. You can’t understand them. How you became to mean absolutely nothing and they became so ruthless. I feel very much like you Logleas. The emotional abuse I was unaware of until it was all out in the open (I say all loosely as what I really mean is the bits you corner them to admit ). Then after the guilt trips are horrendous. The money makes me angry as now I will suffer every month . But the overall riding feeling is just absolute devastation and yes guilt because acknoladging you can only help from afar , to protect yourself is extremely painful . No one wants to walk away from Someone they love . But with all the lies we question who they are , this is mental torture and in my case the reason why I can’t stay .