My Adult Son, who is a CG does not call or respond to calls or texts

Hi, Honestly I would ignore phone calls and texts from my mum/dad because I was hurting. I didn’t want my parents to feel’s disappointed in me. I did’nt want to face up to what I had done and I didn’t want to cause them any more pain so it was easier to Ignore them. He isn’t doing it hurt you. I’m not sure what advise to give but he needs you! He needs to know you are still there to support him. Sending lots of hope and positively your way. Xx I hope things improve for you all 

Thanks for responding and offering your perspective. I'm not taking it personally. and I will continue to offer love and support. The problem is that in the past, his CG made me so anxious that I reacted sternly and was judgemental and tried to control the situation -- but after lots of searching and researching, I know that it's up to him and that I need to work on being present and compassionate. So, I don't know if he will turn to me for support or even tell me (finally admit that he's struggling with CG), but I will continue to let him him know that I am here.

Thanks again! 

I'm not saying that he doesn't love his dad but clearly he has a deep love for you and perhaps he doesn't want to face the fact that he has (once again) let you (you specifically, the person who always supports him and will always be there for him and will always love and care for him) down.  That's how it worked in my experience.......he can't look you in the eye because of the shame.

I always wanted someone to sit and talk with me in a no-blame way and work out how best to stop. No name calling or sympathy, just a sensible logical conversation of what to do.

No going over what I had done.

No mention of all my broken promises.

No talk about past failures and the misery I caused.

No insults.

No hugs.

Just a detached view of what was needed and literally being there while i went through and actually did it - while I registered as self-excluded, while I cut up my debit card for a few months, while I ensured that all local bookies and on-line was barred to me.

I didn't want to do this as I always thought that I could get one more win beforehand. Of course that never works! But once I did bar myself the relief was fantastic until that craving comes back and then the work done pays off as you have nowhere to go to gamble.

Don't console him. Don't mollycoddle him. Just show him what needs to be done and offer to help - that's all.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh as you obviously love your son and I hope it works out.

Best of luck, sincerely the best of luck

Mick

I agree with you Mick, and thank you! When I see him struggling like this, all I want to do it take care of him. But what I am realizing, ever so slowly, is that he is an adult, and that if it were someone else, I could just be there for them, hold space, without rushing in to help in all the unhelpful ways. I hope he comes for support. A couple of days ago, I got a message from his father -- "he says he's not answering you because he's not talking to you" -- in the past this would have been extremely hurtful, this time I think, it's not personal. In the past, I begged, cried, tried to control things, got angry, and on and on. But for the past year, I have been working on myself, trying to be there without judgement, advice, control, hyper-vigilance, etc. -- for me, it's a massive change. I hope in time he can trust the change and feel safe enough to come for support, and I hope the shame lessens enough, and the desire for change becomes more possible in his mind and heart.