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Good evening
So my story begins (and I fear it is a long one!). I met my CG in Tenerife at the end of 2017. Both of us were not very long out of relationships... my relationship was 5 years in duration and my ex boyfriend had gone off with my ex best friend... which creates its own issues. My CG had not been long separated from his wife. He is intelligent, charming, engaging and attractive.... we hit it off and had that spark.
I consider myself to be quite careful so when I met him first and he asked me out... it actually took me a month to say yes and we went out and had a great time. We had a few more meetings before I went home. I came back to Tenerife for 10 days in March and unfortunately he was in hospital. I visited him and we rekindled the relationship. He wasn’t in a position to work for some time after being in hospital... I offered him 500e to help with the rent. While I was there he told me he had an opportunity to sell his apartment in Greenwich... but he needed 5,000stg. to pay to his solicitor in London so that the sale could go through. He would refund me as soon as the apartment was sold. This is the first time I have told anyone this whole story so it feels good to get this off my chest...I came back home in March and I lent him more money during March and April as he still wasn’t working.
In May, I visited him in Tenerife. He was working at the time but I still covered the cost of the rent. In June he was meant to visit me for my birthday... he lied to me that he got the month wrong and date for the flight. I challenged him that he lied and he admitted it. I was very upset and I told him that he would have to earn my trust. He flew over to see me in July and we had a lovely week. Before he left I gave him more rent money... his brother, who was living with him, was meant to pay the rent... but he didn’t. When he went back, he was given notice to leave the apartment... I had decided, as we were getting on so well, that I was going to join him. I had fallen in love with Tenerife after spending some time there also. In September he told me that the landlord had been in touch to say that if 3 months rent was paid in advance, he would extend the lease. I was delighted and gladly paid the 3 months rent as it’s hard to get long term accommodation in Tenerife... The relationship had progressed quickly even though at times there were unexplained absences. I challenged those absences and there was always a good excuse. I moved over at the end of September. The first 3 weeks were wonderful. He had gotten a job as a bar manager and was very happy. I was supporting him as best I could making sure his clothes were washed and the apartment was clean etc. We were very happy. On the 11th of October... my world was destroyed. He sent me a text saying that the rent was due... even though I had paid 3 months rent plus a deposit of one month. He told me had lent the money to his mother. I knew that there was definitely something up considering the amount of money he had borrowed from me... I was very angry. I asked him that night had he a gambling problem and he admitted he had.
I tried to normalize the situation and support him but I felt very angry that he had used my money to fund his gambling and seriously had abused my trust. It also transpired that he gambled the money I lent him for the sale of his apartment except for 1,000stg to divorce his ex wife. The shock, anger, betrayal and disappointment I felt was incredible. I had decided to make a new life for myself in Tenerife, which was difficult enough, and I was landed in this situation. I have never felt so hurt in my whole life. This man said he loved me. All I felt was used. I tried to make the best of the situation as I’m a naturally positive person. But I was deeply unhappy with a load of emotions going on. He kept saying sorry and he loved me. He also decided to leave his job in the middle of October. It was his birthday in the beginning of November and I decided we still would celebrate it to try and put things back on track. We had a lovely day. I paid more rent on the 11th November which made me upset. For a lot of this time we were estranged. I had an asthma attack one night, I was so upset. For a few days we would talk and then have an argument. I just could not cope with his lies and betrayal. I have never felt as lonely or isolated in my life. And still I was trying to protect him by keeping this to myself. I was totally broken.
At the beginning of December, he stole my bank link card from my purse and took two amounts out early on a Sunday morning totaling 300e... I only found out about it when I checked my bank account that afternoon. He ignored every one of my texts. He came home late drunk:. The next day I was so upset... so was he. He was very down in himself so I tried to support him as best I could. The rent was due again on the 11 th of December. Stupidly I gave him the rent money when he was going to an interview for a job... he gambled the money. That was the final straw for me... I came home on the 15th December with all my hopes and dreams shattered. I met him the night before I left and told him I had to leave as I was enabling his addiction. I wish I could say I saw some emotion in him... I think his emotions are totally numb. I’m the one who has done all the crying... I don’t even think he realizes the consequences of his actions or the damage that he has caused to me. He actively stole from me... many times. And the lies and betrayal are hard to deal with. One thing I now know about a gambler is they lie and manipulate. He lies so well I think he believes his own lies! I flew home crying my eyes out. We kept in touch for a few weeks when I got home... but the horror of the situation just got to me... he had every chance to tell me and instead he lied and took more money off me. It wasn’t love... it was abuse. The selfishness he has displayed... he has now vanished after I have expressed my anger... nothing more to be gained from me, I suppose. I was a cash machine and financially supported him and paid for everything. He knows that I won’t give him any more money. It’s a hard truth to face that I may have only been used for money... I don’t believe an active addict is capable of loving anyone or capable of maintaining a healthy relationship. The addiction will always come first. Supporting an addict can be difficult as there is a grey area between supporting and enabling an addict. And a CG can take advantage of that if at all possible through manipulation. Unfortunately, the way I have been treated has affected my mental health... and I intend going to counseling to ensure that I concentrate on myself.
I moved to Tenerife to start a new life...he wrecked my plans in Tenerife and had absolutely no empathy or sympathy for my situation... I have read lots about gamblers on this website and it seems that secrecy is their big friend. My CG openly stole money from me after I knew about his gambling and he had no regard at all for my feelings. He has absolutely no respect for me or my feelings.
I have been very angry the last few weeks at the lies, betrayal and stealing. My CG has gone to ground and disappeared. I’m not really looking for advice but I did want to tell my story. I’m a smart, confident and intuitive 53 year old woman... I never thought I would have ended up in such a situation. I feel hurt and betrayed. I have dealt with the anger and I have forgiven him. I must or else I won’t move on. This website is great. I hope that gamblers will read my story too and see the damage that can be done to persons that love them. Of course I have an issue with the money he gambled that was mine... but my biggest issue is with the fact that he continuously lied to me and should have told me sooner about his problem. I left Tenerife to protect me before he destroyed me. There are consequences to bad behavior and he lost a good woman because of his actions. An addict will promise you the sun m
oon and stars... but it’s actions that only count at the end of the day.
Hi Maria Thankyou for sharing your story. That is a devastating tale of events. Just remember this is not your fault, but a very expensive lesson. I too have been hoodwinked by men in my past, one was a gambler borrowing money til payday. Then I married a cg! From my previous folly I knew never to lend money, even to my husband. The counselling will hopefully help you get over this.
Thank you very much for responding. It is a devastating story. I’m just glad I left Tenerife when I did so that I could concentrate on my well being... it’s a very hard lesson to learn...and I will never lend money to anyone again. I don’t believe now that there was ever an apartment in London... it was just a ruse to take money from me for gambling purposes. It was despicable behavior. Trust needs to be earned slowly and very carefully. Thank you for your words of support.
I read your other forum post and I find it shame you did not choose to take any action on retrieving that money back it is your choice, you are much kinder/stronger than me in that regard to just walk away.
I do think someway down the line he will realise what a fool he was. As it is, he is in a gamble lala land, when s**t s***s the fan he will see.
Hi Maria. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you feel better having put it down in writing here. You’ve absolutely made the right choice in leaving this guy. He may or may not realise the errors of his ways down the line, but the fact is that he used you and showed zero remorse. You deserve better than that. All the best for the future.
Many thanks for the comments Urgh and Martin67. It has really helped me a lot to find this forum and to write down my story and to see your responses. As regards the money... I have thought about reporting him to the police because I would hate if he did this to someone else... but then realistically I thought to myself is there any point in reporting him especially as there is zero chance of getting the money back and also, I want to move on as fast as possible from the situation. Like everyone else here I cannot afford to lose that money but I’m putting it down to a massive lesson learned. I think I was far too trusting and I should have listened to my gut instinct a lot sooner. I have only told one person about the situation because I do feel stupid and very much taken advantage of. What is very upsetting to me is that he let me move to Tenerife with all of my dreams of a new future knowing that he was s******g everything up. Of course, I know the gambling la la mindset is not rational... but he had lots of opportunities to tell me before the bubble burst. I consider myself to be a kind and approachable person and he knows that too... I’m glad I have left the situation. It wasn’t love. I feel I was seriously abused and taken advantage of. The lies were very convincing. I’m very intuitive but I was taken in majorly. My instincts were screaming at me though so I know in the future I will listen to my gut first and foremost. He was extremely good at gaslighting me... He did tell me his brother, who lives in another country, was aware he was gambling. I sent his brother a message to tell him about the situation. Needless to say, I heard nothing back.
I am now concentrating on me because I want to put all of this behind me. Onwards and upwards
Maria,
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry you have gotten nowhere with your BF brother.
I think your last comment is key. It’s now time to look after Maria and put her first. Life I is too short and you may meet the man of your dreams who isn’t a gambler.
Good luck 🙂
CJ.
Hi again Maria. With regards to your last post, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer in relation to the money and the next step you should take. If you feel that it’s not worth reporting to the police because you want to move on from the whole episode, I think that’s perfectly understandable. In fact a police report might bring about more stress and hassle for you and that could take it’s toll. I just hope this guy doesn’t come back in to your life in any way. He’s disappeared for now and for your sake, I hope it stays that way.
Ultimately, he preyed on someone that he knew was naturally giving and trusting. He preyed on your good character and that’s just not on. Yes, the addiction can be awful and yes, it can bring out the worst in us, but lines need to be drawn and some responsibility needs to be taken. He certainly crossed a line with you.
You also mention that you are naturally have good instincts and maybe you feel a bit foolish for trusting this guy, but no one would have any right to judge you. It might be easy for someone looking from the outside to say “how could you trust him?” or “did you not sense something was up?” but until someone has walked in your shoes, who are they to judge? Many people have been duped, scammed or conned in the past and it’s amazing how often and how easy it can happen.
Thank you Martin67. That’s very insightful and you have captured what I have been feeling about the situation. I am leaving him off the hook by not reporting him to the police... but I just want to move on now and not stress myself out further by prolonging the situation. Reporting him to the police would only bring a whole new set of stress to my life. I do think too that he did prey on me for my good nature and stole from me and blamed it on gambling. While his gambling addiction is, of course an issue, I think a lot of it is also down to his character... he didn’t just steal from me once.... he did it many times. And he took absolutely no responsibility for his actions. And while I do feel foolish, I’m not going to beat myself up about that. He has caused me enough pain, hurt and emotional damage. I’m going to see this as someone else said to me on this site... as a chapter in my life. I have learned a huge lesson and that’s a good thing. Thank you Martin 67 and wishing you all of the best in your journey.
Hi maria
I've read your story and from what I gather you have learnt a very valuable life lesson and will become stronger from it.
Absolutely terrible the lengths that CG's will go to in order to feed the habbit. I myself have stooped low and misled others, your story has reminded me of the heart ache this evil condition can cause and gives me further strength to overcome the addiction.
You sound a very genuine and caring woman and deserve to put that behind you. Thank you for sharing a great insight into how partners feel, trust me it does help.
Your situation could have gotten a lot worse, I hope you realise this and feel better that you made the right choice by moving on.
Thank you, Gordon
Hi Gordon01, thank you so much for responding. I’m glad that my story has helped in some way. I’m feeling much better after telling my story and joining this forum has really helped me come to terms with my situation. I’m feeling very positive now and as you rightly say, my situation could have gotten a lot worse. It was hard to move on as my feelings for him were very genuine. And if he had made some effort to deal with his addiction, I would have done my best to support him. Instead he continued to steal from me so I had to prioritize myself and my health.
I very much appreciate your comments and wish you all the best in your journey. One day at a time and onwards and upwards.
Heya Maria,
Hope you’re doing ok and setting new goals to move forward 🙂
CJ.
Many thanks CJ. I’m feeling much better and looking forward to making 2019 a good year now.
Hope all is great with you.
Hi Maria,
Super. That’s what we like to hear. Make new memories and fill this chapter with lots of adventures and laughter.
I’m doing pretty well thanks. 🙂
Nearly just blew my ears up though as I caught my sound on my headphones haha
One step at a time.
CJ.
Thanks CJ. I’ve booked myself a cheap week away at the beginning of April so I’m looking forward to some sun and relaxation which will be lovely. It’s a fabulous day here today so I’m going to go on a long walk... with my headphones too!! It’s a great way to release the endorphins!!
One day at a time and here’s to the next chapter. I’m so glad you’re doing well.
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