Hi I’m new to this site as I’m looking for some advice on what I should do. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years now and over the years worried he had gambling problem. He has a good job however he never seemed have any money. We don’t live together so I couldn’t really see what he spending his money on.Over the years he’s promised he’s stopped gambling and I’ve tried to help as much as I can.It wasn’t till last year I realised how bad it was betting over half his wages every month, had loans, credit card and was getting bank charges nearly every month. We was meant to be saving to move out however he said he would sort himself out and consolidate them. He got a loan however he used large part of that loan and put it on a bet. Which he lost and now put he’s debts to around £20000. He now had even more outgoings, more debt and he was more stressed. I was really worried about him and he’s credit rating was bad so I thought to help him and our future I would get the loan for him. He promised he wouldn’t bet anymore and this would sort him out. I also pay £100 towards the repayment as I added a little bit of debt I had and even though I could pay if off I thought this would help him save as he would have less outgoings. He promised he would like me check his finances if I took the loan. After I did this for him he wouldn’t let me see his accounts. He would get really angry and say I’m not helping him. He says I’m manipulating however I don’t understand how as I’m trying to help him. Unless is what I’m asking wrong? I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. So it’s now been 9 months since I took the loan for him. He’s now let me see his accounts after I just broke down as I’m sick with worry. He’s now over his overdraft limit, he’s using his credit card again, he’s overdrawn in another account and he took out a pay day loan. He also said he had been saving to move out however he’s used that. He’s still bets nowhere however near what it was. It just seems he can’t manage his money as well as having a gambling issue. He lies to my face even when I can see the truth in front of me. I just don’t know what to do I can’t tell anyone how bad it is as they already don’t like him. I just feel I’ve waited this long for him to want move out with me and now this. I’ve got to put my life on hold again and I don’t know how long for. I’m 31 and wanted kids however it looks like it will never happen. I’m absolutely heartbroken I’m sick with worry. He also won’t get help or speak to him family about it. He says he’s depressed and says things sometimes that really worry me. I just feel he doesn’t really care about me and all he’s thinking about his himself. I have no idea what to do as what I’m doing isn’t working or helping. Should I tell his mum? Or is that wrong? Any advice would be great as I’m going out of my mind what I should do to help him
Hi Sarah you've done what most of us do, try and help. Believed them when they say never again. Unfortunately the worst thing to do is give a gambler money. They are also great liars, manipulators and deceivers. So what are you going to do? Why can't you tell his mum? Getting it out in the open helps, she probably thinks you don't know, he may have hoodwinked her too. You need to get help for you. An addict is impossible to live with, can be very scary, not knowing what mood they're in, etc. Safeguard your money, no more loans. You get help, find a gamanon meeting or call gamcare. Stepchange help with finances. You only put your life on hold if you choose to. If you're going to see it through have some boundaries. Don't ignore it, think it will go away. You can encourage him to seek help but ultimately a gambler only stops when they choose to. If you get help, learn what not to do, cut off his supply, he will get to rock bottom. Ask lots of questions here.
Hi Sarah01
Really sorry to read your story, unfortunately I don't have much advice but that I'm going through a similar situation and completely understand how you are feeling. If you need someone to talk, happy to talk things through.
I hope your ok.
8 years is a long time so maybe my advice 'just leave him' is too harsh but gambling is a serious addiction and the situation will most likely get worse. I used to date a gambler who was charming yet a compulsive liar - one day collecting receipts trying to control his money flow, the next day - out with his 'boys' placing bets on football. I'm so happy I'm out of all that mess
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