New here - Feeling Lonely and suspicious

I think you already know what needs to be done. All those things your partner is manipulating you to do ie keep it secret bail me out etc allow him to carry on with his addiction. Until he has nowhere else to turn he will never seek recovery to him it seems it is the only choice he has. As you say its never about the money its the lifestyle the addict leads that is most upsetting to our partners, the ridiculous lies( i did actually use a variation of the cat lie you joked about) the stealing, not knowing where they are or what they are feeling. I would say protect yourself from further pain, emotionally & financially you have children to consider. Offer him support yes but on your terms not his

Good luck
Dan

thanks for your comments Dan.

I'm not very good at being confrontational and its also hard to find the right time to discuss things with children around. He is very good at manipulating it all around as if I'm the bad guy, unless he needs my help that is.

Appreciate you taking the time to reply , I'm wishing life could be simplier.

Dont we all but it isnt. I presume he answers questions with questions, accusations against him are you being horrible nagging hes probably accused you of things to take the focus off him. Thats his guilt & shame talking his defence to continue the only solution he knows. Things will never change without making changes. I would never have quit if i hadnt been confronted by my wife if she hadnt laid out what would be the repurcussions if i continued with my behaviour. He needs help he will not be able to do this alone. Get him to attend GA for @ least 90 days. Get him to hand over all financial control to you. Ask for a credit report so you are aware of exactly who he owes money too & demand honesty

Dan

can you get to a gamanon meeting? theres nothing you can say in a gamanon meeting that will shock us, or even surprise us really, we've all been where you are, you're not alone.

There's nothing you can do to make a compulsive gambler reach for recovery, it has to come from them. Like you i was caught in a cycle of crises and rescue missions and i did need some help, some friends who actually understood my situation, behind me backing me up for saying no to feel like the right thing to do. The burden of secrecy was lifted from me, but maintained where family were concerned until i was ready to tell people. i found then when it was all out in the open, I had so much support and respect. You have done nothing wrong, you dont deserve this

Talking was the best thing I ever did, so keep talking, you're not alone.

There has been times when I have known exactly what money is owed to who (to a point anyway- I'm sure the true extent is hidden), the last time being around Christmas but I imagine I've very out of date already and as we have separated our finances out now its much harder for me to know whats going on. Also I find I am a bit of a problem solver so when I know the extend I'm straight into a way forward to resolve the finances and I don't want to do this anymore and know it doesn't actually help either of us. My husband is a very good arguer. you have to be a brave soul to go there, I know this suits him as reduces the amount of confonting he receives and I know thats not right but its still an upsetting experience for me - I have been honest with him about feeling like this. I have taken control of his finances in the past but this just doesn't work, he can get very stressed and unpleasant towards me (never in a violent way) but I hate being in the firing line when I'm actually trying to help. It also doesn't stop him lying to get the money he needs from the accounts. I don't really know how to protect myself emotionally from this like you suggest. The last time we spoke about it he promised to be honest and open, he hasn't been and within a week he found a rather minor reason to start a explosive arguement with me. Any tips would be appreciated. I am keen to demand honesty but I really don't want to do this infront of children and its very difficult to go along with the lies while they are there and then bring it up later just before bed time. I think he deliberately communciates with me at times when its harder for me to say what I need to say, to avoid me challenging him.

Pangolin - did you tell your family or your partners? How did your partner react? and what are the meetings?

Thanks

They are so manipulative arent they? Yes I can remember being shouted down, being begged, the apologies and the love, only to find out it was all just distractions so he could get at money while he was doing it. So painful.

Gamanon was great for helping me understand that othe rpeople were going through this exact experience too, i am still in awe of the strength of the parents of gamblers, who really cant just walk away from it all, but they always assure me that parents are in the best pplace to practice some tough love, and that this necessary attitude is harder for partners and children of gamblers, we all have our strengths and weaknesses.

I think from your description, we are similar in character, and in hindsight that character is perhaps the strongest in the long run, the gentleness, the ability to turn away from engineered arguments, the emotional self sufficiency you must have to be in the situation you describe, these will do you good in the long run, wherever that run takes you, you dont need to change, he does, some emotional armour would help you I agree, talking gives you that.

We're typing at the same time, hold on, i'll answer about the telling people now!

Yes I told my family, but it was at the point were i had told my husband i didnt love him anymore and wanted him to leave. They were worried about me, concerned, but they knew something was wrong and were relieved to have it explained, my dad was very sad that this illness had turned my funny, sporty, lovable husband into such a mess, and the reality of losing his marriasge began the change towards recovery in him. (it took quite a while for him to actually get going, he had a few weeks depression). They didnt hate anyone or cut anyone off or any of the things that i feared, they are firmly in support of me and very gentle with my husband.

his mum and stepdad are compulsive gamblers and his dads an alcoholic. I was too naive to see what i was letting myself in for when i got involved. After one Gambler's anonymous meeting, he told them himself, i didnt have to tell them, he wanted things out i the open. Theyve carried on like nothings happened, to be honest if the y started to discuss the problem they might have to face up to their own, so nothings happened there.

Telling the kids has been great, they worry, they make up their own reasons for why things happen so some gentle honesty is a big relief for them. Being able to talk about things in front of them is a big relief for me. Finding out that even though they were always on dads side, because it got them all sorts of treats, they knew he was doing wrong and they didnt think i was a monster, but they liked it much more now i wasnt sad all the time.

Gamanon meetings, there arent very many unfortunately, but i always make the effort to travel to mine, its where my emotional armour comes from, i need it, they are meetings for the loved ones of compulsive gamblers, so we can help each other to cope, share strategies and just get things off our chests in a group of people who do not judge us, beacuse we all know what this awful disease does to loved ones. When i first started going it was the only place that I laughed.

As for my partners reaction, he would still try to shout me down and argue, but i felt different about his behaviour once i started talking to people who understood, it became like a toddler tantrum or a teenage hormonal outburst, i stopped taking it to heart and stopped letting it affect my behaviour, after a few months of that, he stopped shouting.

wow, thats an amazing story - you must feel very proud of your strength, I find it interesting that your description of your husband would mirror mine. Sporty, funny and loveable.

Although I love my husband very very much, I'm actually not scared of being alone if thats what it comes to. Its really not what I want and I hope it doesn't come to that but I'm not frightened if that makes sense and its something that unfortunately at my lowest moments with all this I have considered.

My husband is a very private person, I get strength from talking to people, we are opposites from that point of view.

The thing I find odd is we can go a month with everything running reasonably smoothy and me not really noticing the problem and then it will all come back around in a big circle right back where we started.

I see lots of similarities in the gamblers on here and described to me, I see even more in those of us who love them.

I had got to the point of letting go, being alone certainly wasnt going to be any harder, i still think it might be easier even now he is in recovery. It completely makes sense that you can consider running your whole life differently, after all you havent done anything wrong here, you have been a loving supportive wife and its getting you all the wrong results, his addiction is irrational and normal responses dont work, the perpetual cirlces eventually do grind you down. My husband did try everything he normally did to keep those circles going to, he benefitted most after all, but i stopped rescuing and changed my priorities and tha saved my sanity. jeopardised his for a while, he felt very undermined by my 'secret' friends who were giving me so much strength and bringing back my sense of humour. very depressed for a while then suddenly pulled himself together and made a change.

Thankyou for kind words about strength, but i dont reallly feel like it all came from me, it was something shared by the people who really understood, and its available to anyone who asks for it.

I think perhaps I need to accept that no matter how many circles I go through and how many times I sit down and try and talk it out and come up with ways forward, to a point its out of my hands what he does, if he gets help and if he continues to lie to me. The only thing I can do is take control of my own life the best I can in the circumstances but even if you manage all that it will take something much bigger to end the circles and thats frightening to think about. In the meantime I find it hard emotionally to deal with, it feels lonely and it feels hurtful.

The more you talk, the less scary it gets. You're not alone and people do understand the pain of all the lies.

Lots of progress made today, pat yourself on the back and get a big mug of coffee and relax, Rome wasnt built in a day