Hi all, Finally worked out how to post a new thread! First time on this site tonight. I dont actually know why im posting here, well i do. I couldnt tell anyone else this or they would wonder why i put up with it. To cut a long story short, i have been with my husband for 24 years but we only celebrated our first wedding anniversary on sunday there. We had a brilliant day and night together, we dont have time together very much due to circumstances just now, when im at work hes here and when im here hes at work. We need to do this just now because we have a son of 11 and my husband can work hours to suit himself.
Anyway, when we left the house on sunday i left quite a bit of money here with the intention of coming back and paying the rent, getting our son school clothes, sending away for passports for our holiday not to mention other things. However i didnt do any of it on monday and went to work yesterday, i was out the house for at the very most 4 hours. I popped back in and hes talking away quite the thing and the next thing he says is he spent 600 of my money. I honestly didnt believe him, but he did. He had blew the lot.
I was so angry, my son was upstairs and i needed to get back to work. I just said to him he was lucky i didnt tell him to pack his stuff and go and ill be honest, the main reason was because i had to get back to work and i had no one to look after my son. He said he felt like s**t, i told him that was for all the above ive just said, he is right now out working to get me the money back. I usually feel bad and worry about him, tonight i dont care, this last wee while ive told myself once my son is 16 i am off. I dont know if i will last that long. I dont see why i should be hiding money , it doesnt matter what i do, he finds a way, i dont have any money paid into my bank as im self employed but you can guarentee if i put money into pay a bill, he will have used some of it on a gambling website.
He says he tried to self exclude from the bookies a few weeks ago, he didnt try very hard because he has been back in, probably every single day since he said it, he went to a gamblers meeting, he was proud of himself for going and so was i........i think that was the only time he went.
I could go on and on but im sure you will all know what i mean when i say ive had this for the last 24 years, ive had enough, normally im on the ball at paying everything when it needs to be paid but i was so looking forward to our wee time out that i thought it could wait a few days more. Why the heck i thought that when i should have known better. I dont think he will ever change. Why should i have to make sure everythigs paid, shoppings in, money in bank for this or that. He is an adult, this is like having an extra child. So far since yesterday he has given me back 220, he is a taxi driver and is working his b**t off to give me it back and you can be sure i will take every penny back and once ive got it, ill decide my next move. What do you people do, i dont want to live like this anymore.
Sorry this is so long, theres plenty more i could put on here and im sure i will in days/weeks to come but i know hes heading back now so i will sign out. Thanks for reading if you got this far x
Hi Caroline74
I am the mom of a compulsive gambler so our situations are a bit different yet the characteristics seem to be fairly consistent. It sounds like you are hitting your "rock bottom". I found myself both doubting myself and not paying attention to that little voice in the back of my head telling me I am being lied to and manipulated.
The simple fact is that they keep doing it because they can. We keep cleaning up their messes as they continually keep throwing us a bone... "I will go to a meeting", "You can hold my cards" , "This is the last time... I promise". Until we find it in ourselves to make solid boundaries this roller coaster ride is our life.
You can call Gamcare , try a Gamanon meeting and/or do all the research you can on this addiction. You aren't alone!
Take Care
Cathy
Hi Cathy, thanks for taking the time to reply, I think your right, we do keep cleaning up their messes. The thing is I don't want to tell anyone, my mums not well just now and I know she would want to kill him but I'm more annoyed at myself for putting up with it and people think I probably wouldn't take no nonsense from anyone! I hardly have a minute to myself right now so couldn't attend meetings just now. So tired of it all. I'll keep posting on here for now until I can decide what I'm going to do next. I'll keep an eye out for your posts and I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply X
Hi,
I'd echo the advice to go to GamAnon meetings. It's a bother and a chore and all too easy not to bother but there's no substitute and you'll just stay in the same old rut.
Drag yourself along, it's worth it to meet and exchange experiences with real people with the same problem.
CW
Hi cw thanks for replying. I genuinely couldn't get to a meeting right now, my mums just came out of hospital today, she's been in since May apart from two weeks she was at home but every day there was something wrong and I ended up back there with her. I can't commit to anything just now. I'd probably go there and need to leave in an emergency! Believe me when I say I'm not making excuses , I've tried my hardest to deal with this over the years. I do remember one time years and years ago going to some sort of meeting but it was miles from home. Maybe there might be some a bit closer to home. Actually as I'm replying to u, I'm changing my way of thinking. Maybe if i did go and told him where I was going he might understand I'm serious about not putting up with it any more. I think what he done this time had rally dragged me down and I'm trying to keep it together and still speaking to him. Probably the only reason for that is I just don't have the energy for more drama right now. Thanks again and I'll definitely have a Wee think again X
Hi,
No criticism but just the comment that you're so focused on everyone else's needs, his, your kids', your mother's but where do your needs come into it?
Going to meetings is a clear statement that a problem exists. My husband dissuaded me from going first time round and I let him through sheer ignorance. Not a mistake that I'd recommend.
My husband wasn't much help when my mother was old and ill, actually he made things worse and I accepted it. Then. I wouldn't now; looking at friends with good relationships, they are there for each other and so they should be.
Maybe focus on you?
CW
Yes thanks cw, I know what your saying and I fully agree with u, it's so hard tho. Do u still go to meetings? Is it a group meeting or one to one , I can't remember from before. honestly hardly get a minute to myself and feel like he just took the P**s and I've accepted it because I'm to busy to do much about it. Kids go back to school here next week so maybe I'll look into it then. Feel like no matter where I am or what I'm doing its a constant rush to make sure everyone else is ok. So confused because I'm now wondering if this is the right place to be posting. Maybe I just need a good old moan about everything X
Hi Caroline, sorry for the delay in writing to you, I did notice you said on someone else's post that you'd had no response & good on you for not taking it personally! It's stuff like that, supprting others when it may not have felt like you'd received any, that proves how incredibly strong you are 🙂
I'm glad the ladies have dropped by & I just wondered whether you would be able to accept some of the online support that GamCare offer? I'm sure I've read that they can do it by webcam too so this may be easier in the 1st instance for you?
Practically, it sounds like he came clean to the latest damage & he's being remorseful which suggests he is open to recovery but I completed understand why you are @ the end of your tether! If I were you, as a minimum, I would expect him to self exclude from that bookies that he has lied to you about (Oldhamktf has a thread on a number that will do multiple exclusions...It takes 15 minutes & if you are sat with him, you will know it has been done) & commit to GA or counselling! I would also insist on having access to his credit reports. Obviously, if he is a cabbie you would do well to be able keep an eye on his takings/control his finances as you have already figured but those credit reports will show you if he is taking out loans etc. This is progressive & if he's stolen from you, it's more than possible he is running up debts elsewhere. It's not acceptable that he uses money you pay into a bank account for bills to gamble & even though you are self employed, you should still hold an account. If it is your account he is using, report your card missing & order a new one, then keep out of his sight or better still, scratch off the CVV number on the back if possible so he can't use it to gamble. There is blocking software (K9 is free) that he should have on all his devices if he is determined to stop.
Hopefully your mum is out for good now & you will have a bit of time to look after you - ODAAT
& yes, this absolutely is the right place to be posting! Rant, rave, get it all out, just try not to say rude words or you'll get bleeped!
Recovery is possible for those of us that want it enough but don't plan your life around his wants!
Thanks odaat, he's came in tonight and said he used a fiver because his dad phones him with a tip, I neither know or care if it win but I'm guessing it never . I just said well you obviously never told him what u done then? I know for a fact he never told him. His dad is also a gambler but that's not my concern . I did speak to someone online here the first night I joined but the person was going off shift and I didn't wait for someone else. She said I could but didn't want to tell the full story again at that time. He uses my account to pay his radio for his taxi, that needs paid tomorrow so he will be back to the bank then to put that money in. If I cancel the card would that still get paid? I did tell him I was going to do that anyway. As for the payday loans I don't think he can get anymore of them. He did tell me before that he had been round them all, I'm sure this was because he needed money to pay back where he worked before that he had no doubt used for gambling. U know, just tonight I seen something on Facebook about drug addiction and how it rips you apart, makes u I'll, loses you your home family etc and this gambling addiction is just the same to me. Thanks again for replying X
I wouldn't imagine stopping the card would have any effect on standing orders/direct debits.
I raised the issue of the helpline operators going off duty mid call in chat the other night as I think it is appalling because you wouldn't make the call if you didn't need help. It didn't appease me but the moderator said that the next 'shift' would have your notes so wouldn't need to ask to explain all over again. I'm also a technophobe but I wonder if the Netline may be even more efficient as I assume you do this by type talk?
It will sound crazy but addiction is addiction is addiction...I'm still working @ accepting I had underlying causes (even though I grew up with a gambler & an alcoholic - I know, we're not wired right) but there's a reason why the 12 step program works across all of the rooms (AA, GA, NA). Addiction is a mask for us & untreated many addicts, trade addiction if all they do is abstain from their current poison without addressing the route causes! & yes, untreated, sadly, they all lead the same way. Which is why you should arm yourself with as much information as you can & make decisions based on your needs!
We are masters @ manipulation & if he's active & 'proud' then I wouldn't trust a word he says where money is concerned!
The bad news is you can't change your husband until he is ready (cliche but true). The good news is that you can change you whenever you decide:) . Remember though it has taken you both 24 years to set your patterns and it's hard to change overnight. You are just waking up to the realization that this isn't working and something needs to change and that is an incredible start.
Don't worry about having put up with it for longer than you liked.... we have all done it and it's nothing to feel bad or ashamed about. Again if at all possible try a Gamanon meeting or Gamcare again... support is key for your mental health. As ODAAT says arm yourself with as much fact and knowledge as you can. Addictions are easier to deal with when you use your head instead of your heart.
Cathy
Hi, Caroline,
I was married a long time before it came out first time round, he'd hidden it very effectively and gambling had never occurred to me as reason for why I found him so very difficult. I didn't think that it was bad enough to leave because he was ok with the kids. But all along I was being seriously short changed, the kids were too and increasingly I became aware that the other couples we know, who had their ups and downs, didn't behave like that.
First time round, he denied, lied and blamed me. He said he'd stop "investing" but he insisted on his "privacy" or financial secrecy. Had I gone to Gam Anon and learnt then what I know now, I would have been better able to stand up to him. But if ifs and ands were pots and pans....
We had our crisis last year and he was given an ultimatum of get help or get out. But I had the support of the older children which helped. He has since done what it takes to stop, meetings, handing over financial control, cooperation with credit reports etc but still it needed more and we have been having therapy, although my sessions are more regular and frequent than his. It has been and still is a huge effort to relearn normal behaviour. And now things are a lot better ...for the time being.
My experience has been that it's all too easy to put up and shut up but no one gains long term. It has damaged the kids, particularly the older ones who grew up with it.
Such is my story. Perhaps it's time now for you?
CW
Hi guys thanks for all your replies. I'm just about to cancel the bank card. He was at the bookies yesterday , apparently because the machine at the bank didn't accept some of the notes he was trying to deposit but funnily enough the machines in the bookies did??? He said he got his 40 quid back. Anyway, as we have both been working and with one thing and another I haven't even had the chance to speak to him. I think he thinks it's all ok now. It will only be a matter of time before it happens again anyway although it won't be with my money, I'm making sure of that.
To access his credit reports, I know he can't get credit from anywhere but would it still show all he's taken out. You know what really annoys me, at the time when he had the other job I was really struggling and I would never touch payday loan companies anyway but I used to think, he had all that money (however much it was) and I was trying to get by day to day. I think he would go crazy if I mentioned to him to sign up so I could see what he had done. He was saying the other week how hard it was at work just now and that I always had money while he's always skint (not the case, I genuinely don't have any money out away anywhere, it's all goes on bills the house, our son) then in the next breath he said when it's quiet he can go to the bookies and lose 100 quid in minutes so I said to him, well u must be making some money if u can do that yet he expects me to make sure he has cigs , beer etc. To be honest I don't mind making sure he has whatever he wants but sometimes the way he just expects me to do it all drives me mad.
Anyway, thanks again for all your advice guys X
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