A few days ago I found out my boyfriend of 9 years has had a secret gambling addiction for 2 years.
My mind will not stop, I have never felt so many conflicting feelings all at once.
The overwhelming feeling of betrayal is so painful. I have never had a reason not to trust him, I believed everything he told me. I feel so so stupid that I didn’t work out what was going on. I knew he had money troubles- he would never save despite us talking about buying a house and our future regularly. He was secretive about me seeing his bank balance when I offered to try to help him make a budget to aid saving. He would not check his credit score. He would never open post. How did I not see? Feel so naïve. I asked numerous times over the last year if he was gambling, and I always believed his answer ‘no’, but he could never explain why he wasn’t saving for a house.
I feel so deeply hurt, but want to support him. I have an understanding of addiction due to my education and job, so completely appreciate addiction is an illness- he did not intend to get in to this situation and the lies were due to shame and guilt. But it is still so hard to understand how he could lie to me over and over so seemingly easily.
He has accepted help and is doing everything I ask of him. He has let me look at all of his accounts, credit report, has set up self exclusion and self referred to GamCare and NHS gambling service. He has agreed to me taking control of his finances, but seems uncomfortable with this due to lack of control.
I don’t really know what else he can do to prove he is ready for help and change, he is doing everything. I feel really proud of him for coming clean and making the effort. I feel so sad for him that he has been going through this alone. I love him so much and will stick by him. But despite all of his efforts I’m really worried about how I’ll build trust back up. Every time he’s scrolling through his phone I am panicking about what he’s doing. He works away a lot, what if being away makes it easy for him to go back to gambling.
Sorry for rambling, I don’t really know what I need from this, maybe just writing it down will help me clear my head.
Would be good to hear if anyone has managed to build trust back over time? Does the worry get easier?
Thank you
Writing done your emotions is extremely helpful. You won’t realise it, but just having that release is massively beneficial.
The good news is he sounds like he is tackling this head on. All the right things. He will feel uncomfortable. Us gamblers think we are in control. Even after losing thousands in one go, we still think we are in control. It doesn’t take that long in recovery to realise how wrong we were. As long as he keeps taking the help you, and others can give him, and by focusing on recovery, he can be the person you once knew again.
Trust is an issue that only you can resolve. Quitting relies on being open and honest. If he can prove to you that he is being honest about everything then the trust can be rebuilt. I’m sure it will never fully be there, but you’ve probably never known a fully honest partner, so it may even be a stronger, better relationship.
You both have a rocky road ahead. One that needs hard work from both of you. All I will say is that, I am a much better person for quitting and maybe your partner can be too. Look after yourself first though. Gamblers can hurt everyone without realising it. Can’t stress this enough. Honesty is the key.
Stay strong 💪
@p6z38njbqm thank you so much for your support. I’m hopeful all of his positive actions will show me I can trust him again.
Hi Misty,
I came across your post and just want to say well done - what your doing isn’t the easiest of the things.
The trust takes time to build back up - but the love, support and affection is there - I do hope both of you can get through this.
Understanding where he is coming from as someone that was gambling free for over 5/6 years and then relapsed, maybe there are things that you could do to make it feel like he has control over his finances is perhaps something like a Monzo card where he has access to a small amount of cash but you can see where it is being spent with the app on your phone - as opposed to him having continuously ask for money / transfers, which may be embarrassing for him (talking from experience last time round).
It’s just a thought but worth a discussion to find out specially why he’s apprehensive and have an open honest convo where neither side is judging each other.
Ultimately it’s up to you both to see what works for you best but thought I would share my thoughts !
A
@oas3nf708c Hi A1, thank you so much for taking the time to share your valuable advice. Using Monzo is exactly how we plan to go forward. It will be easy for me to monitor and has gambling block. The problem was he had exceeded the Monzo overdraft limit for months so had lots of fees to pay, but we have managed to move some money from elsewhere so he is able to use it. I spent yesterday making a spreadsheet to budget his income and pay off debt which actually was really positive and made him excited for the future. As long as he stays on the right path he will be debt free and saving quite quickly! Praying he stays GF
thanks again
Hi Misty
Welcome to the forum.
I just wanted to say that I am really happy to see that your boyfriend has agreed to give you total financial control. This is not an easy thing for a gambler but necessary to get better and change the course of the addiction. You probably know better than me as you have the education on it, but as someone who has struggled with gambling addiction for the best part of 25 years, I can tell you I learned it the hard way.
I would also like to say that, please don't worry about the things you can't control, as regards to whether he will gamble again or not, when he is away, or when you see him checking his phone, nobody knows this even your boyfriend. But, you continue checking the accounts, overdraft, credit score, etc, and you can give him the heads up if there is suspicious activity. As long as you control those it should give you relative peace of mind (though this could be for a long time).
I'm also pleased to hear he's excited about the future, that's a sign of commitment. Long may it continue.
I wish you both all the best of everything moving forward.
Ergos
@oc0gyh9u3i Hi Ergos, thank you so much for your advice. I definitely need to learn how to not let things out of my control cause me such worry, I think this will get better with time. I have a few degrees related to Psychology/psychiatry but I am definitely learning something new every day in this situation- and I’m sure after living through it for 25 years you have a huge wealth of knowledge and experience to share so thank you!
Just seen his credit score has improved by 11 points in just 1 week- wooo! Little wins.
Have a good evening
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