Hi
it's my first time on this site aswell . I have a big gambling problem . I've been gambling 15 years . And it sound like your partner wants help but there are 2 things u need to conceder .1 is he really looking for help or just saying it to try and keep u happy . 2 has he rock bottom . After 15 I said to my self that I want to stop gambling . I'm now 5 day free from gambling and I was in the bookies 3 times a day for the last 15 years . It's hard my partner of 10 years was a break . She said she can't take much more . I only hit rock bottom 2 weeks ago and I'm glad I did . I lost all money all friends had moved away from home. . It won't be easy but talk and be honest . I'm 5 days free and and my biggest challange is fri and sat cause it's pay day again . I wish my partner could express herself on here but she won't . Hope it helps .
Hello,
My husband is a CG, now in recovery but he gambled for years behind my back. I thought it was me.
The standard advice is to put yourself first, to protect yourself and your finances. It sounds as if you are doing this, you need to otherwise you'll get bogged down in his quagmire. So don't let him make you feel guilty.
Whatever money or credit he has, he will gamble. That is why he is following the standard advice to ask someone he trusts to look after his money and drip feed him pocket money. He can't rely on will power, he can't stop so he needs barriers, no money equals no gamble. However, without full financial control, your paying his debts or paying for essentials frees up his money for gambling, don't do it. With full financial control, at least you have the benefit of his income.
I have full financial control, better than him gambling, it reassures me but it does affect the balance of power in the relationship. He's v resentful, although he cooperates, he knows he has to. I am hoping that more time at GA will help.
It's all huge, get all the help and support you need.
CW
Hi,
I have read your article and wish to add a couple of points.
You have a paragraph regarding giving pocket money for things that are needed.
151 days ago I entered into a similar agreement with my wife but I do not get "pocket money" as such. If I need something it is bought for me and if I am given cash I provide receipts to the penny. To some this seems harsh but for me it breaks the triangle. No money = no bookies. And surely this is about stopping gambling and moving into recovery.
151 days forward and I can see the joint account we have but no access to money. I don't need it and I don't want it. I want to recover.
When I was gambling every spare pound I had was used so giving cash to someone seems unnecessary. Although I never used them to utilise pay day loans is desperation. You would not give an alcoholic some of a drink so why give a gambler some cash!
Give no cash a go. To help him is to push towards recovery. No one says it is easy but with his own determination and family support it can be achieved.
As gamblers we are deceitful, dishonest and not nice people go be around especially when we are losing and looking for the next fix.
I have changed. The debts will get paid but I am less aggressive, less agitated and on the way to becoming a better person.
So can he but he must give 100% to recovery.
Best wishes
Hi all, I have found this thread really helpful. My partner has gambled all his adult life and throughout our 5 year relationship. GA, counselling etc hasn't seemed to work in the past and I believe the main reason is because he has always had access to money, credit cards and overdrafts. I see now that for any gambler to really succeed the money must be taken away to remove that temptation. I can't quite see how you can have an equal, adult relationship though with that being the case?
Hi half life,
Thank you for your reply, it was very helpful.
We do not have a joint bank account so I do not have any access to his bank details or account.
Would you recommend that I possibly have online banking access or literally take full control and he only has a cash card?
Thank you so much half life. That's really helpful to know. I have never even considered looking at his credit report. Is this fairly easy to do? Does he have to apply for it then I ask to see it?
Hello,
When my husband finally faced up to it, he gave me his log in details so that I could access his internet banking. I trawled through the bank statements and it was a shock to see the full extent of his stupidity. Also, he had on line access to the children's accounts, which were in his name and each of their accounts was down to pennies.
I also insisted on and got access to his emails, I went through them and unsubscribed to anything that I didn't like the sound of.
I wrote multiple letters which he signed, to the bank's Customer Service Centre to close down the children's accounts, to the credit reference agencies requesting Notices of Correction to the effect that he doesn't want credit, to the bank saying that he intends to pay off his existing credit and he won't want any more, to the website providers' head office requesting permanent self exclusion and no more contact, to any company that had sent him marketing emails or letters offering betting or credit, requesting no further contact.
Like Half Life, my husband receives his allowance via our joint account, I maintain a minimal balance and move his wages when they arrive out of harm's way into my account. I have removed all overdraft facilities. His sole current account is still open but again I lowered his credit limit so he has minimal headroom and I want to get rid of it in the near future, I don't want the possibility of any loans being paid into it.
Hope this helps,
CW
Thank you half life and CW. There is certainly a lot to think about. It seems such a mammoth task at the moment and as a future together is still uncertain at the moment all I can do is get as such information about what a future together may entail. It does really make me think would it be easier just to walk away x
Hi I am new to this site and just reading all the post is a comfort (I am not alone) here is my (short )story I have been with my husband 13 years married 2, over the years I found out about his gambling so have put many things in place house in my name, bills credit cards the only thing is he has always found a way to get cash so as you do you help to sort it, so I have got quiet a bit of debt due to this , with both wages we get by which annoys me as we should be comfortable ! But every now and then it happens, well I have now come to the point that I am tired of doing it and feel I can't do anymore, he tells so many lies the trust has gone , he has admitted (finally) that he wants to change and has suggested counselling for both of us which as yet he hasn't done anything about it and I just think why should I sort it out, the last blow out was 6 weeks ago he managed to get his wages in a cheque and cash it to gamble the wages usually go in my account but he gave his boss a c**k and bull story!! I have now spoken to his boss and he reassured me this will not happen again, but I live in fear, feel sick about pay days going to the bank and no wages doesn't pay the bills all in my name. 20% of me wants to try 80% I want it over, the trust has gone will i ever get it back, I hate him at this moment please help.
Morning Nickle 23, I empathise with your story as I too am feeling the same at the moment. Do you say enough is enough and try and lead a normal life without a gambler and the worries and heartache it brings you? Or do you continue to try and support that gambler and hope they can change? I must admit I don't have the answer. Myself and my partner and not technically together at the moment and he is not living in the family home but he is making strides to get himself sorted. He has told his family and closest friends. He has never told his friends so this is a first. He is also seeing a counsellor. We both still love each other and he tells me he wants us to get back together but to me action now has to speak louder than words. We message every day and I am supporting him as much as I can but a massive part of me thinks is he worth the fight and risk? I used to think so but having time on my own has made me rethink this.
Sorry I cannot give you any real answers as I don't have them myself....but I do understand what you are feeling xx
Hello love-and-hope thank you for your words, we are thinking the same, I just want time away, I wish he would go! I am thinking about going to stay at a friends for a few days see if that gives him a kick up the backside, but it annoys me that I should leave my home comforts!,, then I went food shopping today and counting every penny drives me mad I work hard all I want is a happy life I've never done anything to hurt him and I know they say it's an illness but I can't help thinking he does it on purpose to hurt me and thinks I am a mug, so like you I think why should I do it anymore I don't want this weight on my shoulders. I hope you get things sorted but make sure it is what you want, I to don't have any answers but all I can say we have to make our own life nobody else will and we need to be happy life is to short. Lots and lots to think about thanks again hope you have a good weekend bye for now. X
Hi, I too am having a very similar time. My story is on here on another thread so I won't bore you with the details but basically I now have a 10 week old baby, a dog and a house to run on my own after my husband blew his wages again this month. He is currently staying with a friend as I didn't want him here. I also can't decide is it just best to move on and live a 'normal' life. As you put it so well Nickle23, I also work hard (when not on maternity leave!!) and saved money so I could have time off (which is now gone after bailing him out back in Feb when he spent every penny he had and the joint account and maxed his credit card) and I'm the one that's counting pennies, wondering if I'm going to have £10 for a box of formula for baby. So much to think about, I just wish I knew what to do for the best.
Anyway, good luck and I hope you can come to some sort of decision that makes you happy xx
Hi ladybird I have read through you story and my heart goes out to you, very similar feelings it's bloody awful although I don't have any answers at the moment I am taking it hr by hr as the feelings won't let me get past this 1min I hate him next min I feel sorry for him, still hasn't taken a step in counselling. So I have made the dessision today that I am going to seek some help I can't keep this in any more. My thoughts are with u and ur little one we have to remember to put us first!!! Take care and I hope things get better and you get what you want out of life. Xx Nick x
I've read through this thread, thanks for all the words of wisdom and encouragement, there's lots of good tips on here, We're going for transparency, in everything, so hopefully It'll make it difficult for him to do it again, online gambling was mr ffs thing. Thanks for the tips on free blockers on the internet, I'm going to get those installed on the computers
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