Hi I'm new to this site,
I found out 11 days ago that my husband is a CG, we were looking for a letter, and he started looking shifty, and said "I've already looked there", Then I found an unpaid bill, that he said he'd paid in January, I told him he needed to tell me what was going on, he tried to say it was nothing and he was just paying the bill in installments, but he looked so guilty.
He never tells his Mum the full story about anything, so I told him I'm not his Mother and I don't want him to treat me like that, I need him to talk to me and be honest. That's when he admitted that there was something, he told me he has a gambling problem, he's run up debt in his overdraught, but been able to pay it off with a tax rebate, he told me we'd got 192€ but actually it was 1000€, I felt absolutely furious, as usual just telling part of a story.
I'm really shocked that he's admitted he has a problem, a few years ago he ran up some debt on the credit card through betting online on the football, I found out and he eventually admited it, but it seems he'll only tell he everything if I've already found the evidence.
it was difficult for us to really talk about it for the first week as we had is mother to stay for 2 weeks ( we live abroad) so once she left, I told him I wanted him to print out his bank statements, he got really grumpy whenever I asked for any details, and just kept saying he wants us to move on, but I feel we need to look at everything he's done and then move on.
Anyway he closed down his online gambling account, joined GA, online (there isn't one close to where we are) he's been looking into councelling, and ga type things here, and he say's he's really commited to stopping, he's had enough and doesn't want to do it anymore, I made him add up everything he'd spent over the last year, he cried, and was shocked by the amount as he thought it was just 10€ here and there. I had to keep asking him for the info, and he kept getting grumpy, I told him on Wednesday That I just wanted to tell me his whole story, but he said he already had, he's sorry, I believed him
On Thursday I was thinking he still hadn't printed out his bank statements, so I asked him, he went quiet, and wasn't too happy.
So on Friday before I got 4 folders, labled them with bank statement, credit card statement, for each account, and left it on his desk, so when I came in he was at last printing out the info, and that's when he finaly addmitted that he also had another account, and he's set up a special payment system so it wouldn't appear as gambling on his statement. I was gutted that he hadn't just flipping come clean all at once, why does he always have tp hold something back, it really P*****es me off.
Anyway, that's where we're at, I think I know everything now, luckily we're not in debt, I know there's loads of stories much worse than mine, but mine feels rubish. well done if you had time to read all of this! ( I wish there was spell check on here!)
I'm scared he'll do it again, any advice to stop this happening would be appriciated, Because from reading other posts it can get much worse.
thanks xxx
Hi, Suzy,
My husband is a CG, we're long term married, kids growing up.
I discovered his gambling three years ago but was met with the sort of half measures, continued lies, blame and denials that you're getting. One key to handling this is being informed; I wasn't and I let myself believe him despite his continued secrecy about his finances. It's very painful and difficult to be caught up in the whirlwind that they create, your common sense tells you that black is black and white is white but CGs are masters of manipulation and they easily have you doubting your sanity. To help prevent this and to realise that you're not alone, read the forum, try to find a Gam-Anon meeting, also get consider counselling for you. Then you can recognise the manipulation for what it is, you know when he's feeding you nonsense and it becomes easier to manage.
re knowing the full story, I endorse Half Life's advice to get the £2 statutory credit reports in his name(s) and yours from all three main credit reference agencies. He will need to cooperate and if he doesn't, you should be suspicious. These checks should be regularly repeated or sign up for alerts, as Half Life has.
He won't stop unless he wants to, you didn't make him gamble but the flip side is you can't make him stop. If he does, then you should expect him to hand over full financial control to you (no half measures), to attend GA or counselling (next week will not do, there are weekly meetings in multiple locations so no need for delay), to block his computer and downgrade his mobile to a non Internet version if that's how he gambles. Generally, he should do what it takes, not pay lip service.
My husband has finally been clean for about three months and my experience is that there is a real difference between a CG who is prepared to go into recovery and one who isn't. It's still not easy but for me this time round, recovery is a prerequisite to even thinking about staying together.
Hope this helps.
CW
Hi,
Just read your last post on the other thread. Be aware that mobile devices can be v difficult to block effectively, there are threads on the other parts of the forum about being able to access betting websites via Safari. I'm older and not trendy so my view is that the safest is a non Internet handset, there can't be temptation. Otherwise, perhaps ask the manufacturers what if anything would work?
Take care,
CW
Thanks CW and HL
I'm feeling a bit more positive today, he's got an appointment with a counsellor, He's already closed his accounts and barred himself, He seems very committed to stopping, but we're putting measures in place now so that it doesn't happen again a few years down the line.....
thanks so much for taking the time to give me your expertise.
(Luckily our mobiles are 6yrs old and not up to internet, who'd o thought that would be a good thing).
xxx
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