Hello all,
As the title says, this is my first time here although I have thought of it in the past. I need an outlet.
My husband and I have been together for 4 years (only married in August). He has a 9 year old and we have a 2 year old together. We both work in professional jobs.
The first I knew of a problem was when I had just found out I was pregnant. I knew he was hiding something from me, I just didn't know what. We hadn't been together long so I had no idea of his finances etc. I contacted his sister who he is very close to and she told me he was £5k in debt from gambling (horses) and most of the debt is payday type loans. She encouraged him to tell me and eventually he did (although not the full extent of it). He went into a debt consolidation plan (his sister has bailed him out in similar circumstances before and refused this time) and on we went. We had a discussion and he agreed not to gamble anymore and I took control of all the finances (initially and then later I monitor through online banking). I tried to encourage him to seek help but he wasn't for it. Fast forward to now and although he has never been in financial bother again, I have continually caught him at the bookies or found evidence (probably around 10 times now). Each time I have caught him, he has never ever came to me and said he has relapsed. Each time we have had a conversation that goes a little like this : he gets angry that he's been caught and has a go at me for spying on him etc, he denies there is any problem citing the fact that our finances are in order so there is clearly no issue, then he apologised and says he realises why I worry and check on him, he says he understands that it's the lies and sneaking about that hurt me and not the actual gambling itself and then we usually finish by him saying it's under control and he can handle it but he will be honest with me about how often and where he is etc. I always have the feeling that there's more but he tells me there's not. I have always felt he has his own money somewhere.
The current situation is I caught him again a few weeks ago and we decided the best way forward was for him to manage it and I would have knowledge of him going to the bookies rather than him sneaking about. I caught him lying again on Friday. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have used the find my phone technology and when my gut tells me he's lying (it has NEVER been wrong) I check it. He told me he was at home and low and behold he was at the bookies. I usually sit and think how I am going to confront him for days and then he senses I'm P****d off and I end up blurting it out in an argument but this is getting extremely tedious and stressful so I decided just to call him. As usual he denied it on the phone and then I got a text saying yeah he was at the bookies and he was sorry for lying and he's a bad man etc.
When I got home from work, we had what I felt was the most honest conversation ever about it all. He handed me £2.5k in a sandwich bag and said this was his winnings over 6-8 weeks all starting from a £2 bet. He still denied he has any issue and cites enjoyment rather than addiction, it's all under control blah blah blah. He seemed to truly agree that the issue was the lying and the deceit and he promised to truly be honest with me (again).
Last night he called me on the way home to say he was on his way and was in a certain area about 20 mins away and wouldn't be long. This set my gut alarm off because he rarely does this so I checked the find my phone app and low and behold he was in the local bookies about a mile away. His phone call was to buy him some time. I waited till he got home 30 mins later and he knew from my face the second he walked in.
The usual followed, he got P****d off that I was checking on him and he has no space etc. He also said this is me so you know what you can do if you don't like it which truly boiled my blood. Like he was prepared to choose the horses over his family. After a while he apologised and said he only lies because he knows it upsets me when he goes to the bookies and it's really for me he doesn't tell the truth. I could actually rip his head off every single time he says this. He STILL doesn't get that it's the lies that are truly the problem. I got angry (which I try so hard not to because it never helps) and I got very upset. He sat there all quiet and apologised again. He doesn't see there's a problem because he isn't in debt anymore and it will never get like that again. I told him this was it and I can't keep doing this. Told him I wanted a break and that I will leave him if this is how he wants to live. And I meant it. As hard as it was for me to say that, I can't keep finding myself in this situation.
After reading some of your stories on here, I know my situation isn't as bad as others and I almost feel a bit guilty (I know that sounds silly). I strongly believe that he would never do anything like take all our money but I can't cope with the lies. If there's no problem then why is he lying. Yes I don't like it when he gambles but I can cope with that if he was ever honest with me. I reckon he is going often. I do believe he enjoys it, he's actually very knowledgeable about horses and it all stems from his childhood where his dad (who wasn't the nicest dad) would let him pick a horse in the paper and put a bet on at 8 years old. We have spoken about this but he has never, not once admitted that this is a problem for him.
So sorry to ramble on and on. Advice from anyone would be greatly appreciated. I'm truly considering leaving him although other than this, we have a fantastic relationship and he is the most wonderful father and husband. The only other irk in our relationship is that I want another child which he is firmly against.
Morning,
I'm not unsympathetic but I will be blunt: at his instigation, you and he are playing games of chase and based on the experience around the forum, it's not going to end well. Gambling is a progressive addiction, in time the bets increase in frequency and amount and unchecked, he is as likely as any other gambling addict to become desperate enough to resort to theft from family, employers or whoever to feed it. You thinking that he or you have immunity from the worst excesses of addiction is just denial on your part.
The three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. There is nothing, nothing, that you can do or say to make him place a bet or to prevent him from placing a bet. As your own experience has demonstrated. To bet or not to bet is his decision and he alone is responsible for that decision.
Your problem is absolutely not that you must stop him from gambling in order to be happy. Your problem is that you are in a relationship with a gambler who lies to you, blames you and dissipates family money against your wishes. Your problem is the effect that his gambling is having on you and the children. To cope with that problem, you need help and support for you. Try the GC counselling, GamAnon meetings, telling trusted friends and family.
Move the focus to you and keep it there. You don't have to join in the games of chase if you don't want to. Take effective measures to protect yourself financially. Tell him calmly that you don't believe the lies, that it's an addiction not a harmless hobby, that he is responsible for his own betting. Consider what you want out of a relationship with an equal life partner (you're not his mother) and if you're not getting it, consider what you are going to do to change your situation? Doing nothing is an effective choice. What do you expect for yourself and what are you prepared to tolerate?
It really is all about you, not him. Take care.
CW
Thanks for the honest reply. I don't think I'm immune to anything. And I don't feel like I'm being naive when I say I truly believe he wouldn't take it that far. You're experiences may tell you different and I appreciate that.
I can tolerate him having a social bet 1-2 time per week. And we have made that arrangement several times however he cannot keep it and always ends up lying to cover up just how often he goes. And therein lies the problem. If he says it's for enjoyment then why does he have to lie about how often he's going and if it's for enjoyment then surely he wouldn't go often. I try to get into his mind frame and understand his decision making but I fail to understand why he lies when I've been so open with him about it all.
I categorically don't want to leave him and it's not an empty threat. Each time we have this argument, it affects me which affects our children as I'm not on the top of my game. I guess I want him to quit entirely but realistically, I don't want to hold him back from something he wants to do. I understand that he has to choose. I just hope he makes the right choice.
Sure, but if you read across the forum you'll see that controlled betting is well tried but it simply doesn't work. For an alcoholic, one drink is too many because one thousand isn't enough. On the same principle, a compulsive gambler can't control his or her betting because of the compulsion. They can't win because they can't stop. The addiction can be arrested by not placing the first bet but the compulsion remains permanently.
It's not so much about how much or how little betting you would be prepared to tolerate, more about how much lying, financial hardship and mind games that you are prepared to tolerate.
Keep the focus on you.
CW
Hey hun.
I haven't read the responses so sorry If I repeat.
I'm 8.5 years in with an addict. I didn't understand at 19 when we got together just how bad it was. I thought boredom, too much money, too much free time etc..
For 8 years I'd have said that there was NO WAY ON THIS EARTH HE'D STEAL from his family.
In my kinda diary I wrote because he stole our house deposit out of our safe, he says he didn't steal because he knew the keys were there and it was not my money but ours so he had a choice how to use it too !
From speaking to the girls I can spot a relapse before he can, the last two weeks his moods have swung, his anger raging, and his vocal abuse towards me HORRIFIC, I don't abuse lightly but it basically stems to it.
You are aware you can sense and see before him. This is your choice. Deal with the ups and downs, deal with the negative and positive, wait for the bad days and learn to trust for unfortunate breaking of this because you love him. And wait for it to be enough one day for him to go into help, get help and be free but fight everyday to stay free.
Or end it. And hope that he stays a brilliant father to your child.
I'm calling his bluff right now, and after Christmas I will make him realise what he's loosing. I had a friend tell me they saw him. I'm past caring, I've cried all I can cry for now. We as people, as humans deserve more from those we choose to spend our lives with
I say this in the hardest strongest way, only you know how you want your life, only you can make the decision, not anyone. Do not live your life for anyone but you!!
Stay strong. Believe in your self. And rant here all you want. I owe these ladies and some gents my sanity these last few months. We are strong. We can do this. With or with out them.
T.c
Hi Mrs_Daisy_Chain you say you've always had a feeling he has his own money somewhere? Do you think it might be worth doing a credit report or something to be sure he's not got cards or loans you don't know about?
Just a thought take care of yourself x
Hi M_D_C, welcome to the forum 🙂
I'm alarmed that you don't think he will 'stoop so low' again when his initial promise to stop gambling has not only been broken over & over again but has been compounded with lie after lie 🙁 Do you know why his sister stopped helping him?
I truly believed every time I took x to 'play with' that I would not spend anymore only to go back & forth to the ATM/counter until I could get no more money, sometimes driving home to get different cards or money that I had purposely left there! Towards the end of my glittering (NOT) career I somehow managed to walk out of a bookies with some money & proudly put it straight into the joint account, a kind of 'look how brilliant gambling is!" I don't recall the exact facts & figures now but suffice to say that over the next few days all that & more went back, borrowed from other sources because I couldn't take it back out. It was way easier to justify coz it wasn't my money, it was 'winnings', irrelevant that it had taken thousands of times that to 'make'! Everytime I borrowed money (home improvements that were never made, consolidation loans plus a little bit on top, remortgage, credit cards) or had family money come my way, I only ever intended to use a bit of the 'spare' & every single time without fail, it all went & more, every single penny I could get my hands on except what I needed to survive. I only ever used money that would allow me to keep my head above water.
He's lying because if he tells you the truth he will have to accept that he does have a problem, that it's not just money he is throwing away that could be used on family, family time going on the 3.15 @ Neverever Land.
As much as I don't want to say this, it's not a want for him @ the moment, gambling is a need & unless he admits this & gets help things aren't going to improve. You wanting another child may even be something he is running from & as someone who grew up in a household with addiction, I would urge you to get your own professional support! Are you putting up with his nonsense because of this yearning? No-one deserves to be treated the way he is treating you & having to constantly 'snoop' on him to catch him out doesn't make for a happy home 🙁 Never mind you not being on your A game when he treats you like this, its not a healthy environment for the children to be in full stop.
It's one thing to agree to accept the 'social gambling' (which as a CG he can't do) but if he's not sticking to promises you have to decide what you are willing to put up with for you & your babies. I'm sorry if I come across as very harsh but the reality is, life with an active CG is not a happy one & you deserve better.
Look after you, look after your kids - ODAAT
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