New to all this

Hi sunflower

im sorry you are having such a tough time.

Your feelings are absolutely normal. When I first found out about my husbands problem I switched constantly from wanting to help him to mad anger like you describe. It's not selfish of you at all- it's completely understandable. This is exactly what this forum is for - it's been a great support for me. I think you need to get every bit of help for YOU. Lots of partners on here find gamanon meetings really helpful, maybe visit your GP, and gamcare offer counselling for partners. Can you speak to a close friend or family member? I have found talking so helpful. I know that lonely feeling- I've been there. Keep posting on here.

Hi Sunflower, don't lose sight of the fact that you are the victim here! Why don't you give Gamcare a call & sort out some help for you? You were great in the crisis but have absolutely every right to be angry! Unfortunately, there is no overnight cure for this, for either of you & sadly, it is the friends & family that often end up picking up our pieces!

You have to look after you 1st & foremost both financially & mentally! Maybe have a look @ some of Half-Life's posts, she had a similar horrendous experience & has figured out a way to get through it!

You sound strong, you will find a way to figure this out - ODAAT

Hi Sunflower

Wow! What you husband did brought back memories of what I did.

I am divorced, (not due to gambling). I had massive debts, I had borrowed money (under false pretenses from my sister), had massive debts etc. So I decided to end it all. I left a suicide note detailing what I had done along with my will, superannuation details etc on the kitchen table and drove to my parents gravesite to apologise to them for my stupid actions. Then I tried to commit suicide. Failed at that, just like my life had been a failure up to then.

Meanwhile my brother and sister had been to my house to check on me and discovered the suicide note etc. I arrived home after 4 days to find that the police had been notified. What a mess!

My brother and sister were relieved to see me and confiscated the implements of my suicide attempt. Doctors and psychologists visits followed in short order. After a few days, my siblings voiced how angry they were. Not at the fact that I stole from my sister...but for the fact that I was going to take my life. How could I do that to my family they asked?

Sound similar?

I think you have every right to be angry. I was running away from the problems I had created and leaving the mess for someone else to clean up..... just like your husband. I couldn't see a way out of the mess I had created...but the truth is I never even tried to sort out whether or not I could get out of the mess.

I think for your own well-being you should tell him how you feel, how his actions affected you and the family. Choose a time when you feel he is up to it. Be prepared for tears from both of you.

Take care

Hi, Sunflower,

Sorry to hear what's happening to you.

In my experience finding out about the gambling is truly horrific and there's nothing selfish about being angry at the extent to which he's dropped you in the proverbial. Feel free to be as angry as you like and don't let his threats of self harm manipulate you into surpressing what you say to him.

This is not a club that I wanted to join, none of the friends and family do but we do share the experience and this forum helps. There's no substitute for the information and advice from people who have been there.

Get all the support and help for you that you can but if you think that you're being selfish then that can only be a good thing. Some selfishness is absolutely recommended as part of the process of coming to terms with this earthquake.

If he really wants recovery and does what it takes or gives you full financial control and sticks with GA and counselling, then there's hope. But even then it's v hard and it takes time, I don't know if we'll ever settle down to a new normal, not knowing makes it worse but we're trying.

Keep posting and I hope things improve.

BW,

CW

Thank you so much for your messages. It's such a relief to know that others know how I'm feeling & have gone through almost exactly the same situations. We've done a lot of talking today & we've both cried. We've established some ground rules about money (I'm taking control) & I've been brutally honest about the hurt & anger I'm feeling not just about the gambling but the suicide letter etc. I've debts are HIS responsibility & HIS burden & although I will support him through this I refuse to let this drag me under. The money is money, I don't need material things (too much pressure to look after them !) but I do need to be able to trust him & that is going to be the hardest thing. Maybe I never will? Maybe I'll always be on my guard?

He loathes himself for doing this to me & our family & I'm not going to make it easy for him because he has to remember that feeling if he ever ( or should that be when?) is tempted again. I've suggested that we take time each week to go for a walk or a coffee & the subject of gambling & money is taboo for at least an hour so that we can remind ourselves what "normal" feels like just for a while.

It's all still so raw and I'm in shock . I've called one family member who he borrowed money from and made sure she knows that I wasn't aware of it because I'm not prepared to be seen as a sponger, that's his problem. I explained the state he'd got himself in & the debts and that he is very low. I didn't tell her about the gambling because that's his job & he's agreed that he wants to speak to her and tell her what he's done . I think that's a good way to start & it's the first of several such conversations he needs to face. He's going to 2 meetings next week & is going to call about counselling & I might try to arrange something for myself as I doubt these feelings arent going to just go away without some help. I keep thinking it's something I've done that made him do this & that's going to haunt me for a while to come.

Just sharing this on here has made a big difference & has helped me feel stronger. I'm not going to make this easy for him it but I want to help him but if that means being tough on him then that's what I'll do. Thanks everyone

Hi, Sunflower

Sounds like you're both doing what you can to turn things round, it's a good start to a v long haul. Absolutely get all the support you can.

re trust, read up on the posts about this but the sad truth is that going forward you can trust him on absolutely nothing to do with money and finances but anything and everything that is non financial.

BW,

CW

I'm driving him crazy by asking what he's doing on his phone & laptop , he's getting twitchy & restless & he said earlier it's like going cold turkey. He says he can feel me watching him & he needs some space. At the moment I don't think he deserves space because I don't trust him. He's brought it on himself & what about what I need? This isn't all about him! The anger is bubbling under again & I know he's struggling but I don't know how to control it. Should I even try? What can I do when he's restless & moody & snapping at me? Do I just ignore it ? I know it's early days but I don't know how to support him without going crazy myself in the process.

Hi Sunflower

He would have been informed at his GA meetings about how hard it is to earn the trust back. He should also expect to be monitored and questioned re his activities. You have a right to query him, and he will have to get used to that fact, at least for the very near future. We all go this stage. Even now after about 8 years at GA I still get the very rare text from a sibling.. "everything allright?"

Cynical and Half-life have already touched on the trust issue re money. Follow their advice.

Everything is still very raw at the moment. Both of you are going to be very emotional for a while. I hope that during the coming weeks you will have more 'ups' than 'downs'. Having someone to confide in, either a counsellor, friend or family member will help you get thru this very testing time.

Take care

Things have calmed down , he's gone to his second GA meeting , he's taking anti-depressants prescribed by our GP, he's been referred for CBT & he's talking quite openly about the gambling & how he feels but I'm worried that this is the calm before the storm. He's keeping busy in an attempt to distract himself, working through lunch instead of going to the bookmakers etc but how long can he carry on avoiding having free time? I'm dreading him having a relapse. It's a week today since I found the letter telling me he intended to take his own life & somehow we've struggled through but it's only been 7 days. Have I got the energy to get through the next 7? I don't know , I'm so tired, I'm on edge , I tFeel like I'm on high alert all the time. When will I be able to relax? I'm scared & I'm confused. Work has kept me busy & sane but I'm a teacher & the thought of 6 weeks ahead with time to think is a daunting thought. I suppose taking each day at a time is the only way to cope.

I'm a teacher too! We must be the only ones in the country not looking forward to our holidays! Yeah a day at a time and keep busy. Make lots of plans and give yourself little things to look forward to- that's my plan in between divorce proceedings!! (And lots of wine!). I can't imagine how stressful it must be for you given what your husband did but focus on the positive- he is doing all the right things and has your full support. He is very lucky and I'm sure he knows it.

Know what you mean about it all being hard work! All the emotion is exhausting!

Has he handed over the finances, sunflower? Having control and putting in effect whatever blocks you can think of can help reassure you.

re the summer, can you think of some sort of bonding project eg do up the garden or paint the kids' rooms or take up a new sport or skill but the emphasis on something physical? We're hoping to do something along those lines, to deal with excess togetherness but still something productive, we don't think that we can manage family lazing on the beach just yet.

Take care,

CW

Katiecola,thanks for your message, I'm saying all the right things to my colleagues when they talk about their holiday plans but inside I just want to cry. I'm even planning (& looking forward ) to go into school to sort out my resources & clean out a store cupboard. How sad is that?

Nothing feels real at the moment which in a way is good as I'm not sure I'm ready for reality. It feels like a bad dream. I'm going for the coffee & cake option with friends but even that will be hard having to keep up the "everything's fine" act . I think wine & Pimms will feature heavily as well.

I hope you manage to get through your divorce proceedings & keep your sanity. Here's to the summer & whatever it might bring!

CW , we're sorting out the finances & luckily he's kept up payment on all the utility bills & mortgage etc so I'm thankful for that. It's "spare " money that was the problem - I couldn't understand why there wasn't any & just assumed that everything was going up as he told me. I'm taking his bank card & all money outside the Direct Debits will be transferred to me but I'll be checking his account daily.

At the moment he's exhausted , partly from the medication but I think it's also a come down from the stress of keeping it all a secret, not sleeping properly for months & trying to keep up with the debts. I think you're right , a physical activity is a good plan & we've got plenty of gardening projects to get stuck into & they won't cost a lot of money . I quite like the challenge of doing things on the cheap & I think I'll be doing that a lot for a while. I like your point about "excess togetherness" . If we avoid spending time together then we'll drift so far apart there might be no going back but too much time gives room for niggling & going over the same issues time & time again which isn't healthy.

Thanks for your advice. It's so good being able to share this x

I can't believe that he asked me what I've "got the hump" about just because Ive been sitting quietly & not talking much tonight.& when I did say something Apparently I said it the wrong way. I haven't got the energy to talk, I'm still struggling to accept what's happened over the last 8 days & I'm not igoing to pretend everything is ok just to make him feel better. It's not ok & it won't be for a long time, it may never be ok.

He's been a week without gambling which is great & im very proud of him but I can't cheer & pat him on the back, I just can't bring myself to. From what I've read on here this is a lifetime thing & the prospect of living with this hanging over for years is something I'm not sure I can cope with.,

I don't know I how to behave. Should I put on an act & pretend I'm ok or should I let him see how low I really am ? I'm frightened if I'm not careful he'll find a way to start again because I'm not doing the right thing.

I've told him I need time to come to terms with everything that's happened & that I'm trying my best but I get the impression he thinks I should stop dwelling on things. That's easier said than done .