New to all this

Sunflower, I'm a CG so I'm probably not the best person to advise but truth is, there ain't nothing you can do to stop him going back to it if that's what he chooses! There is no right thing & he will blame you regardless if he slips but this is categorically NOT your fault! He's had a long time to come to terms with this (no-one sits down & writes letters after a few weeks of gambling), you've had a week! This isn't dwelling per se but unfortunately, this is one of those things that you are going to have to keep with you even once you do get used to having it around & he's gonna gave to accept that! You have to do what's right for you because if you don't look after yourself, you won't have the strength to support him!

Try & look after you - ODAAT

You're not alone. I found gam anon meetings really helpful, still do, can you get to one?

I havent, forgiven or forgotten, but we have found a new way of being and it's happy, but the pain and exhaustion of where you are now cant be swept under the carpet, Ive just drawn a line and I learned to let go of the resentment. This stage doesnt go on forever, it just feels like it at the time. Keep moving, keep talking....

He came home from his GA meeting last night feeling really positive which was good to see & I'm glad he's found support & has people he can turn to if he feels tempted. The problem is we've still got a such lot to sort out between us but says I'm dragging him down talking about money etc when he's feeling good about not having gambled for 9 days. I feel like I'm carrying the burden of everything & I'm supposed to carry on as usual which I'm really struggling to do. I can't even call my middle son who's away at Uni because he's owed money & I'm scared he's going to ask for it. He doesn't know his Dad has "borrowed" it & it's too much for him to deal with when he's away from home. We're supposed to be going to see him in a couple of weeks & whereas I was looking forward to it because I miss him I'm now dreading it because we've got to pretend everything's fine when actually its all such a mess.

I feel like he's spoiled everything . Every part of our lives has been tainted by his gambling & deceit & yet somehow I've got to carry on going through the motions with friends & family when inside I'm falling apart.

I will see if there's a group in my area as lots of you have suggested because I'm not coping with this as well as I thought I'd be able to. Thank you all so much for your support & advice x

The burden of secrecy....we've all been there. You have done nothing wrong, there is no shame or guilt attatched to you, you dont have to hide this. It is not his secret, it's your life, you do not have to be quiet about your own life. I cannot tell you how relieved I was once I started saying "I've been so quiet lately because i thought keeping this problem a secret was helping and actually its made things worse, I'm still going ot be a bit distant because i dont know how to cope with this yet, but his gambling has nearly destroyed us and me, so bear with me while i start rebuilding". So much weight of my shoulders when i started to share what was going on, when i let people know my story instead of keeping his secret. At first i could only tell me gam anon meeting, and i creid alot, but telling my kids came next and they were relieved too, they knew something was wrong, but couldnt put their finger on what it was, one thought i might have had cancer and we were waiting for news before telling them, so I regret not speaking up sooner, especially when they turned out to be so supportive. Only one of them really understands, but the others understand enough. Its get easier and easier to talk the more you do it.

Yep the past is tainted, years of my life are a complete lie when i look back, everything i did to make us happy because he had me believing i was the problem, every time i came up with cash for things he had to do for work that turn out not to have existed, every time i panicked and hid that my bank account was in the red again because i thought i had overspent.... years of lies and deciet and unhappiness and i just didnt even know who i was anymore, let alone who he was. The past is a fact, but it isnt your future. You know now, your wiser now, the wool wont ever be pulled over your eyes in the same way again, the future WILL be different. You can 'go through the motions and carry on' getting your backside into work and cleaning the house because you draw a line and start again, you can redraw it every day, every hour if you need to, but keep leaving the past in the past and try to get on with a new future.

I havent forgotten, i havent forgiven, but the past is the past and i dont resent it anymore, i dont carry it with me. We have found a new way to be happy together, moved forward. If he hadnt sorted his s**t out the i would still have moved forward, stopped resenting the past and got myself happy, but id just be sngle while i did it.

Your right, this stuff is very damaging, it's abuse, we have our own recovery programme to work too. I suggest shifting focus from what the gambler has done, to what you will do to make yourself happy again. If he gives up gambling thats great, he goes to GA thats even better, Mr P is a different man since going there, so theres a good chance you have a future together, but thats all too big a picture to deal with for now. Right now, just make your life nice today and stop thinking about how it will affect him or what he might be doing, just do something that makes you happy, be selfish, you need it. One day at a time.

Hi Sunflower

I have to echo Pangolin's and Half-Lifes's posts. Please tell your family. You are not protecting anyone by keeping quiet about your husband's problem. Your family members will find out at some stage, better to tell them now so that you can stop worrying about hiding the problem.

Take care

Hi sunflower,

I hated playing happy families too. I would sit with his family and feel awful because I was deceiving them, living a lie. I didn't tell them them the truth for months. But I did tell my family and I am so glad I did. You need support to get through this. Talking has really helped me.

Why's he so angry with me? I don't understand . He's taking medication for depression but I think he blames me for making him go to the Drs. He's starting counselling but again, I think he blames me for having to go. We had quite a good day Sunday & I was feeling more positive but he's just said I have no idea what he's going through because he's got to work out how to pay a loan back this month & he suddenly expects me to come up with money to help out. I'm trying to understand but he's the one who got himself into this situation so why take it out on me?

I doubt he's angry with you. A mixture of the depression, the guilt and the ongoing money worries probably have him in a very dark place still. The treatment for depression may take a while before any effects are noticeable. The money worries obv arnt going to go away soon. Hopefully things start looking better as problems start being solved one at a time. Might look like its taking forever but its prob a slow road out of the situation. Might be a case of grinning and bearing the grimmer character traits it brings to the fore until things improve. I don't want to sound too sympathetic to your husband as you've every right to be furious but the fact he was preparing to end his life suggests he's got a reasonable idea just how much he'd messed things up. Yous got lucky that yous found him alive and the demons that led him to a graveyard with a load of pills can at least be attempted to be overcome. Hopefully things start improving for yous soon. Good luck

I really hope that one day I'll be in a position to offer advice & support to others in my position. I'm usually the one people turn to if they've got a problem but right now I don't know what to do or think. This is all such a mess & it hurts.

I'm just new here so hope u don't mind me commenting. No doubt it is a mess but yous seem to be addressing the problems and hopefully things start improving soon. The money side especially seems like a long road to claw back and things can seem as if nothings changing but as long as yous are moving in the right direction yous will get there.

he isnt angry with you, he is just angry and at that moment you were there, if you hadnt been, he would have been houting at the tv, kicking things or just doing whatever happens when anger spills over. For your own sake, dont take it personally, dont defend or explain yourself, you have done nothing wrong, you dont need to. he has as much control over his emotions as a toddler at this stage, so ignore it like you would with a toddler. It is very difficult for an addict to manage their emotions, but they have to learn it for themselves, so leave em to it. its not your fault.

You are doing really well, keep talking.

I can't tell you how much help you guys are giving me. Straight talking, common sense stuff that's helping me understand why he's being like he is as well as what he's going through. Pangolin, you're right about him acting like a toddler & I think that's the approach I'm going to take. It's hard not to take it personally but that's what I need to do. He said something to me last night that hit home . He said "why don't you stand up for yourself?" I think he wants me to react because if I do then he has an excuse to be angry with me & vent & shout. I feel for him & want to help him but I can't allow myself to go under because then we won't stand a chance. One day at a time - in fact I think it's more like an hour at a time. Thanks again everyone x

Hi sunflower

I just wanted to say- happy holidays!! Let's try and enjoy our time off. I hope you have plans to distract you from your troubles ( and the pimms!) I've told a work colleague this week and she has been so supportive. Keep talking and sharing.

Hi Katiecola, I finished last Friday & I've been keeping myself busy & ive found that I'm managing to go for quite a few hours without thinking about our problems. I confided in my brother yesterday & he was so supportive as well. Now I've got someone looking out for me which feels really good. I've a few books lined up & good old Netflix for lazy days so lots to distract me.

Hope you're doing ok , enjoy your hols too & take care xxx

Hi Sunflower

re his meds, They do take a while to kick in, i think it took about a month for me, a while ago so I'm not really sure.

Pangolin is spot on re him acting like a child. He will be self absorbed in his own problems at the moment. This will probably take a while to settle down. He is definitely angry, at himself, the world, and anything or anybody who happens to be around him. This too will pass, given time.

Most gamblers want to 'fix' their financial mess quickly. Don't try to repay debt too quickly. This is a recipe for disaster. It is not until we understand fully how bad our debts are, and work out a sustainable repayment plan that the pressure of our debts will ease. Debts can sometimes take years or a lifetime to repay. Coming to a form of acceptance and working out a comfortable repayment plan is the better option.

Take care