New to all this

He told me yesterday that he'd bought himself a sandwich & a coffee for lunch rather than save the money to pop into the bookies. He'd been going without food to gamble! He said it felt good to just do something normal like enjoy a proper lunch without having thoughts of gambling in his head. Small steps but I think that enjoying the feeling of doing "normal" things not shadowed by the lies & the highs & lows of winning/losing is a breakthrough. The GA meetings are definitely helping him understand the cycle of gambling & the reality of it all. He came home from the meeting last night & he spoke quite openly about some of the things he'd been doing to gamble ( going without lunch etc) & it explained a lot of his behaviour over the last year, some of which I'd blamed on myself. He also seemed to really understand for the first time the impact this has had on me, that it's not just about the money & that it's going to take time for me to come to terms with what's been going on, that I'm not just "dwelling " on things as he told me a few days ago. It's early days, I'm still reeling from the shock of it all & im not sure what the future holds for us but he's trying & is committed to stopping & that is all I can ask at the moment I think .

Space to breathe for you then. They are encouraged to start talking , being honest about what they have been doing, with the loved ones who have been left guessing until now. I still find it uncomfortable when Mr P talks specifics, because so often it brings up truths where I had had lies, sometimes there were lies I had belived and I feel foolish and hurt again, but when he talks to me he is very sensitive as he knows the whole thing still hurts, I am better at letting things go now and accepting the past without resentment. The uncomfortable bits tend to be when he is talking to other people, especially people who maybe have issues with gambling themselves, he is brutally honest, just to make people realise how bad he had got and how much I tolerated and covered for him. It's uncomfortable but also beneficial for both of us, it moves another incident into the past and we move on a bit happier, people understand us a little better, people tend to be a bit kinder to me too as they learn what I have been coping with.

From a bit further down the road, I can see things bring on the right track for you, looking forward to future updates.

The comment about feeling foolish struck a chord as before this all exploded I'd tried to involve him in plans to redecorate our bedroom in the hope that it might be good for us both as a couple to have a nice room & maybe motivate him to take an interest in the house again. We'd discussed wallpaper, colour schemes etc & I'd even blu tacked samples to the wall. It's obvious now that he was just going along with me as he must have known we didn't have money to spare to do it. I feel selfish & stupid that I was merrily making plans when he was going through all this. Maybe it was this type of pressure that helped push him to the edge ? Maybe I should have backed off ? So many emotions right now & so many unanswered questions. You're right though, things will come out over the next weeks & possibly even months & I'm going to have to deal with them. I'll probably be angry or generally P****d off or possibly sympathetic but he'll have to accept that. I'll have to learn to let them go & focus on the here & now.

He's going to see an old family friend tonight , someone he's really close to & borrowed money from. He wants to come clean about what's happened as I know it's eating away at him. One step at a time but I am proud of him for facing up to what he's done. I must remember to tell him that tonight ! He's still a good man but he's a man with an addiction & we've both got to face that fact.

As always , your advice & support alongside everyone else's on here is really appreciated x

Hi Sunflower

Never, ever think that any of your actions 'pushed him over the edge'. All wrongdoings on my part, the lying, stealing etc were perpetrated by me, and only me. Even my attempt at suicide was brought on by my unwillingness to even attempt to sort out and face the mess I had created. I am solely the culprit, just as your husband is.

Praise is good in small doses. Don't go overboard in this regard. Always be wary. Too much praise can lead to overconfidence on his part, and inevitably a 'bust'.

I hope he continues to improve. His actions so far tend to suggest that he is facing up to his problem.Good signs so far. 🙂

Take care

Huge row today. Lots of home truths on both sides. I suppose it has to happen. I didn't tell him I'm proud of him as actually it occurred to me that he was only doing the right thing & if he hadn't have lied then he wouldn't be in the positio of having to confront people he's borrowed money from. You're right Half-Life, doing well is much more apt than being proud. Just as I think it's getting easier, something happens to make it feel raw again. It's early days though .

Hi, Sunflower,

I get told that I don't listen so may not be best person to advise but anyway. Do not let yourself be told that his gambling is in any shape or form related to what you did or didn't do or did or didn't say or to any of your shortcomings. He was totally responsible for his gambling, not you.

I also have my faults pointed out to me but they are normal human failings, not the behaviour that goes with addiction. There's no comparison.

Take care,

CW

I was thinking about your story when we were having a massive silent fight(he just shuts me out). He did tell me that he has thought about killing himself, and i have thought i wish he had, actually reading your story made me realise that's not true. So thank you. No words of advice, i too am lost."hugs"

Dear NOTME , I feel for you . It's a terrible situation to be thrown into & so many emotions to deal with. I've felt shut out & it's soul destroying when you need answers & reassurances. I can honestly understand why you might have thought what you did. I don't know what I'd have done without the support of people who know exactly what it's like to be in this situation. Let's stick together & hopefully we'll get through this . Hugs always welcome! Xxx

When I first went to gamanon, it was because I was so lonely. He'd shut me out of everything and in covering up what he had done and being taken in by his lies, I had shut myself out of life too, it felt like there was no one who I could tell or who would understand me, I became quite reclusive for a while. Talking again was been the start of my recovery and it's still the best medicine I have now. The answers and reassurances that I wanted from Mr pangolin turned out to be something he couldn't give me, his answers felt like lies, his reassurances felt like manipulation, so it was my gam anon group that helped me get stronger and then I found talking here too. Me and Mr pangolin are close, happy together now, but I had to let go of him and what I expected of us and emotionally walk away for a while before I could start again, i didnt care what happened to him at that time, I knew he was fragile, claimed to be suicidal, but I had nothing to offer him, I was too exhausted by it all, i remember thinking that if he did it, atleast that would be a solution, maybe better that the limbo I was stuck in. We go through dark times, we are going to have dark thoughts, but we do find our way out of this, so keep talking, we can't tell you your exact road out of this, but we've all travelled some of it and it makes the journey much less lonely.

I must admit to having similar dark thoughts about the struggle ahead & im ashamed of myself. I'm exhausted, feel alone & can't face going out. I'm having to detach myself from him, distance myself from how he might be feeling & put myself first as I'm feeling myself slipping. My worry is that I've got to do this to cope & it may be that I can't let him back into my feelings again if that makes sense? I can't let him in because it hurts & I've got to cope when really I feel like curling up into a ball & just crying but if I do I don't think I'll stop. I've got to be strong.

Today isn't a good day, self pity & tiredness have taken hold. Yesterday was better , today not good, tomorrow? Who knows where I'll be on the roller coaster ride I seem to be have shoved onto against my will? Stop ! I want to get off but it seems I'm stuck on it whether I like it or not!

I'm afraid if I go to meetings I'll just become a gibbering wreck & make a total fool of myself if people are kind. As I said, if I start crying I don't think I'll be able to stop . It won't be a pretty sight !

I'm trying to make light of it but I do actually feel like I might break down & I don't know where that will lead me. What good would that do?

Hi Sunflower3, I am back on this site because there are people on here who are incredibly sympthatic to either the CG or the family he has hurt. Firstly may I give you a big hug because you say you need them, so I send you lots and lots, your plight is not nice . I am a CG and I have been trying for years to quit, bit by bit i pull away (close all my on-line accounts) self exclude from some bookies, but then time and time again i creep back to say another bookie, because the overall losses are too great to bear. I have ruined my future financial position, i am currently having to take an early pension to top up my meagre income to try and get me back on the beaten track. I am fortunate I have no dependents and no debt (some would say lucky) but when you have lost thousands upon thousands its really hard to let that go, you feel you have been robbed and you really think there is a chance of getting it back and so the cycle goes on. Finally yesterday and by later tonight i will have self excluded from every bookies and casino within a 8 mile radius of my home. What i am trying to do is give you the insight of the gambler who loses a lot but wants is back (and can't afford to lose it), we become desperate people. My advice is too sit down together, add your assets up, income and then your liabilities, and work a way forward even if it involved 'Stepchange'. I think deep down this won't make you feel a whole lot better, but it may explain partially your partners reason for gambling.

I haven't seen anyone come to a gam anon meeting for the first time and not cry. It's a safe and unique place where you can cry, you can go to pieces and when you go out the door, you can leave it all in the room and come back the next week feeling a bit stronger. Well I know I needed somewhere to let it all out, bottling it up was destroying me, then I found that just know ing I could go somewhere and let it all out meant I didn't need to anymore, I had some friends who actually understood to turn to, the support made me stronger. And none of us think anyone who cries is making a fool of themselves, we really understand the pressure you're under and the release is inevitably emotional. Anyway, they have a unique magic, a place to feel safe with your deepest thoughts and fears, there is nothing we can't make a little easier to bear and they'll always be there for you if you want them.

What good would it do to break down? Well i felt a lot better after I let go, problems still the same, but I felt calmer and the following week was easier. And yes we are kind, but we are extremely honest too, sometimes I think we have been harsh, but the intention is to cut the crapp and save some time so you get your life back In your own hands sooner. Some of the best practices for dealing with an addict are totally counter intuitive, we get to the pont, kindly, but honestly.

We aren't going to tell you everything is going to be alright, but we can give you some suggestions to help you be alright in a very tough situation. This forum, I think, is quite similar, but we don't get to share tea and biscuits.

And With that I am putting the kettle on, tea anyone?

I too am a Gam Anon member Sunflower. I am in Canada but as with Pangolin I don't think we have had a new person come into the group without a lot of tears. Its a result of sadness and a huge amount of relief... you are amongst friends and people who know everything you 're going through!

Though we have a lot of tears we also have a lot of laughs... I call it my touchstone. Once a week I seem to be able to get some much needed perspective on life with a CG... I feel safe and loved!

Your whole world has been turned upside down Sunflower and you need to find a safe place for yourself and emotions with no judgement ... just support!!

I'm so low right now . Ive looked for a meeting & found one for next Monday & I'll try to summon up the courage to go. I'm dreading going even though I'm sure that I'll be ok once I get through the door,

He's going to his meetings, having counselling & the medication seems to be working. He's on the up it seems while I'm spiralling downwards. A friend popped in last night & my husband managed to act as if there was nothing wrong , laughing & joking while I'm feeling like I just want to hide away. It all feels so bleak. He keeps asking me what's wrong ! What does he think is wrong? He's "borrowed" money from family , taken our sons inheritance & told lies to everyone. What does he expect from me? I'm not punishing him on purpose but I'm certain he thinks I am. I jjust can't get my head round it all & I haven't got the energy to put an act on for his sake . I'm exhausted.

I feel like I should be getting over this by now but instead I've sunk into this state of self pity & despair & I'm sorry if I'm being a drain on you lovely people. Maybe I need a kick up the b*m , I don't know ! Do they give them at the meetings alongside the tea & biscuits?