New Worried Mum

Hi CW and HL,

Thanks for your comments.

They are pretty much as expected, from my brief visit into this world of CG's. I do want to believe him, but you're both right, the stress and anxiety with dissapear as soon as he is off the hook again, and no doubt he will gamble again soon if he is not getting any help to address the core reasons he gambles in the first place.

So how does one get a GC on board with StepChange or similar? I called them, and they said without speaking directly to my son, they wouldn't assign me a debt advisor?

My son is trying the imminent threat of his loan payments to try and pressurise me, but I know deep down to help will will only likely be the start of the next cycle of debt. At least he does not live with me, so I can sympathise why his mother buckled.

Sorry also for piggy backing your thread. Must of pressed the wrong button, not firing on all cylinders today, as you've all probably experienced!

Hi, SP,

Sorry but the tough love theme continues.

You don't get get your son on board with StepChange. It's not your responsibility. It's his and it's no good you doing for him what he needs to do for himself. If he does nothing, his loans will be due, he has to pay them and if he doesn't, his problem - not yours - will escalate. He does need to learn the link between his actions and the consequences. Tell him that long term, it's better for both of you if you don't give him money/bail him out.

You need support and information for you, so that you can cope with the pressure.

CW

He's playing you. He wants a quick solution to his financial dilemma and since his mom has shut the door he is knocking on yours. If you help him there will be a short reprieve and then the cycle begins again. Sorry but that is how an active CG works. They will keep doing what works until it doesn't. 🙁

Yes thanks all, I still feel under immense emotional pressure to give him 'one last chance', but all your responses, and advice from other sources is backing up the 'don't do it' arguement.

This is really helpful stuff, and I'm grateful for it. I have posted another thread about bankruptcy and the self employed, as I need to understand if that might be a better solution for him? Need to be in possession of the best advice when he comes back to hound me again. His first debt repayment is due Friday, so I guess that's imminent.

Really don't know how his mother has coped all these years and kept it under wraps, but then he pleaded with her to promise not to tell me, so more emotional blackmail.

Hope some of you guys are out of it now, or can see the light. My journey is unfortunately just beginning :(.

SP

Hi, SP,

I'm a spouse not a parent but the CGs are still CGs. There are certain tactics that they tend to use. One to watch out for is Divide and Rule, it seems to have worked quite well for him so far in terms of his access to cash for gambling. It would be better if you and his mother work out a united approach and stick to it. Also, watch out for his approaches to other family members?

CW

CW

Hi, SP,

Just saw your post on the other side. Anger can be tactical, it made me back off from asking awkward questions and pursuing the answers. Don't let your son's anger phase you. Tell him that the mess is in consequence of his gambling and he needs to deal with it, pass the buck back over to him.

CW

Hi, first timer here - this sounds very familiar to me too.

I only found out that my 24 year old son is a CG this week - he confessed to me he is maxed to the limit on cards and bank accounts. He has managed to keep payments going until now but he's now teetering on the edge. To make matters worse he works in a casino, although he has a new job starting in a month's time.

I have promised to support him but I can't do much financially as I don't earn much. He's promised to go to GA. I've taken his credit cards and now have access to his online banking so I can keep tabs on how much he's paying back, and will reduce his credit limit every month so he can't build it back up again. He's also paid this month's salary into my account and I'll only give him enough back to cover petrol, meals at work etc. While I'm glad he confessed to me I'm not sure what else to do in the meantime. Although he can get to a local GA meeting there is no GamAnon meeting locally. Any help would be very much appreciated as I'm feeling very out of my depth.

Hi Lainey

It sounds like you have already done lots of things that will help. I know it sounds odd but its not a bad thing that you can't help him financially. When consequences are faced and paid by the gambler it will go a long way into his long term recovery.

The hardest part for you will now be to sit back and try and let him sort through the financial and emotional fallout. It's great he says he will go to a GA group. It is in those rooms that they seem to be able to find the "help" that they need. The "help" that even we mom's can not seem to provide. I'm sorry there is no Gam Anon nearby as it is a great way to get face to face support and learn about the addiction. I'm not in the UK but I believe you can call Gamcare for some advice?? I know you can also start a thread of your own so people can help you a little easier.

Take Care

Cathy

Thank you Cathy, I'll have a proper look round the site and hopefully get more idea of what to do next.