Hi everyone
I am a newby here, My husband has revealed the extent to his gambling issues. I won't lie, I knew when I met him that he was a gambler.....our first holiday together was courtesy of his 'winnings', he has emptied the bank account a few times, he has borrowed secretly from my friends and family but I thought it was all finished with. He lost his first marriage (before me of course), he lost his home (came to live with me) and was/is in thousands of pounds worth of debt, debt which he avoids. Between us we have 3 kids and 3 grandkids. On the outside our life looks okay, we have good jobs, we manage and we love eachother dearly. I have been guilty of looking the other way, of not calling him out, of looking the other way numerous times. I wish I hadnt. His drinking has increased over the last 8 months, I didnt really notice to be honest. There were many times when I came home from work to find him most of the way through a bottle of wine, I didnt see it as an issue, or maybe not one that I wanted to confront.
Everything came to a head last week. I have learnt that my husband is a compulsive gambler who hides his lies and stress with alcohol. He owes money to friends and family, he has nothing at all to call his own and he is broken.
Am I angry? Absolutley, am I sad? Yes. What are we going to do?........I have a plan. Will it work? I really hope so. I love this man, he is a good person. A kind, funny, loving yet damaged person. Here is my plan, please let me know what you think:
1. I have spoken with our children and close friends to 'out' the secret. No more secrets.
2. I have spoken to the people who he has close gambling relationships with and asked them not to loan him any more money.
3. I have contacted the councelling service associated with gamcare. We will go together.
4. We have agreed that I will hold all of the money and cards.
5. I have constructed a household budget to keep a track of finances and to pay those back from whom he borrowed. This is agreed between us both.
6. I have explained the effects of the addiction on our family but very personally to me, his wife.
Obviously, this is a very quick overview of years of lies, denial and secrets.
Can anyone provide any more advice on how I can support my husband, keep a hold on my sanity and not provide a safety blanket from which he is not responsible.
Thank you
My only advice to you (as a gambler myself) is to talk openly. Maybe count down his gambling free days together? Encourage him to share when he has the urge which he will do at some point! Most importantly is to come here whenever you need an 'ear'. I'm only on Day 8 myself but it's a good achievement. As long as he understands how important your budget is, you'll get through it x
Have you considered adding GA to the list?
There's a lot there about what you plan to do/are doing.
What is he going to do? Does he want to do it?
Long as you are both on the same page and both 100% committed especially him then there is a good possibility you can work this out but it's going to be hell on earth but not impossible good luck and you stay focused too
Thank you all so much for your comments.
Lethe, you are quite right to point that out. I think I just felt that one of us had to control this situation. He has spoken with one of the counsellors from Krysallis today which is a huge step. He has never spoken to anyone about the problem before. He is willing to get this additional help, I cant say that he is jumping for joy about it but he isnt running away (yet).
LHN, congratulations on day 8. I cant even begin to imaging how hard it must be.
Onwards and upwards eh?
Thanks again everyone.
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