My partner of 9 years has a serious gambling problem which has become much worse recently. It's come to light that he has at least £13,000 of gambling debts. He has defaulted on these for the last 2-3 months. I've tried countless times to get him help but he refuses.
On boxing day he sent me a Facebook message telling me he was leaving. He packed a few bags, left the rest of his things in my Hall and left without saying a word. I was devastated. I've tried to talk to him, asked him to sit down with me and talk but he just won't, I have so many unanswered questions. I feel like my whole life has been ripped apart.
Things are made worse because he spent a year training to be an adult mental health nurse, he had to drop out because of his mounting gambling debts. He also works in a casino. When he isn't at work in the casino watching people gamble he is online or in the bookies gambling himself and when he can't do this he spends all his time on YouTube watching gambling videos, it's completely consumed his life. He blames his gambling on me, I make him unhappy and it's all my fault. He says the gambling is his problem and it's got nothing to do with anyone else, when he'd gambled and lost he was moody and irritable and just not nice to be around. The last couple of months he had gambled all of his months wages within a few hours. He has been paying nothing towards rent and the household bills.
I've spoken several times with people at Gamage and they said that I needed to get him to.meetings as soon as possible, but he refused. Living with a gambler isn't a great place to be but I'm devastated by him just walking off without saying a word. I still care about him, I only ever wanted him to get the help he so desperately needs. I should feel relieved that I don't have to tip toe around him anymore but I just feel like my whole world has been ripped apart, I was the only stable thing in his life. Where do I go from here?
This could be my story my husband has just admitted a gambling addiction after being together 10 years .I have taken out loans to pay his debts twice in the past due to gambling and a couple of years ago he ran up credit cards again so I made him take responsibility and get his own bank loan for 10 grand So I had no idea he was still doing it .He left his phone at home 3 days ago and as his other is in for repairs he bought a cheap one and it is not password protected so I looked at his emails and saw 2 for credit cards which showed a total of 3 grand owed and when I asked last night he admitted online gambling .Like yours he says he will pack and go like I am not important to him , he also blames me apparently we don't do anything in the evenings together and I go to bed earlier than him .I feel devastated like you -he says he will stop now but I have heard it before .I have spent all night crying and he has not shed a single tear although he says he feels ashamed and doesn't deserve me I feel it is just words . I pay most of the bills as I earn twice what he does and have been paying extra on the mortgage each month scrimping so we can have a better future while he has been throwing money away , I feel really let down .He says he will get his wages paid into my account and have no access to money unless I give it to him for necessities but I don't want to manage him like a child ,I want him to be a strong man and look after me ! I already have a daughter with mental health problems at home and a mother with dementia depending on me and I can't cope with him too .Sorry I am no help in advising you as I feel I am in such a similar situation to you x
I'm always sorry to hear other peoples stories like this - it's such a familiar story.
Dycebabe - I guess your partner is having trouble taking responsibility for his actions, hence his reactions and trying to put blame on you. It's so difficult in these situations as actions that you describe, such as him packing his bags and leaving without saying anything are so hurtful. I suppose you just have to remember that you have done all you can to try to help, but ultimately only be can make the changes. I'm sure he cares for you very much, but this selfish behaviour is a result of the addiction and the surrounding and resulting emotions he feels. It sounds like he is so ashamed that he can't face you hence the running away.
As hard as this is on you, perhaps he has realised that these problems aren't going to just go away and he certainly will have a clearer picture of this if you aren't following behind him to pick up the pieces. I know it sounds harsh, but I think we do not realise how enabling our actions can be until we take a step back.
I guess if it were me, I would get in touch with him to say that I understand that he has a real problem, but will no longer stand by this lifestyle/his actions. I would let him no that I will be there to support him through getting help if that's what he chooses to do... But that's the point - it has to be his choice. He has to come to this realisation and until he does, change is not likely. It's very difficult and feels like a harsh approach. I know it certainly did/does for me. But I think we have to remember that these are grown adults who need to take responsibility and get their lives together and all the while we enable them to continue gambling, we are actually not helping, as much as we might think we are. Obviously I always have to point out that I'm never for one moment suggesting that we should take any blame for these situations we find ourselves in, as we are only doing what we think is best.
Hope things get easier.
Wishing you love and hope.
Hi both
I'm sorry to see what your partners are putting you through. Life with an active CG is h ell and it's very hard to know what is real and what is the addiction talking.
First thing to say is none of this is your fault whatever they tell you. Nothing you have said or done has caused them to gamble but the flipside to that is there is nothing you can say or do to make them stop. Your choices l ie with how much of their behaviour you enable and ultimately how much you tolerate if they won't stop. All the time you pick up the pieces, pay the bills, take loans out for them they have no incentive to stop and the agony is prolonged for everyone. If they really want to stop there are things they can do which will all but eliminate their access to gambling with near immediate effect. If they won't do any of them they are telling you where you stand.
Put yourselves first financially and emotionally.
Thanks for the advice. I have shed mountains of tears the last few days. I sent him a message saying that he needs to get help but that I don't think he is ready. He has completely ignored me. His mum told me that his father did exactly the same thing to her, eventually she decided to walk away from it all. She said that my partner was devastated by what his father had done. Yet he is now doing the exact same thing to me, she really can't understand it at all.
I've come to terms with the fact I think our relationship is over amd that I need to start looking after myself. Only 3 months ago I was rushed into hospital where I had emergency surgery to remove an organ. I'm only half way through.my recovery, I need to start looking after myself and stop worrying about him or finances. I do still care about him but I hate what he has done to me and the way he has treated me, I know I deserve so much better.
Sorry shell 1990 I was reading your post, which is very good by the way and managed to hit the 'flag as abuse button' by accident so admin if you read this, the post isn't abusive lol.
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