Hi
I can't really say I am new to this site even though I couldn't remember using it before!! I in fact used this site some 5 years ago as my husband is a gambler. Over the course of the 12 years that we have been married he has gambled, I've found out, he's promised he would stop and guess what?????? Yep he's still gambling and still lying. He does not believe he has a problem and he is still saying he can stop at anytime, this is complete rubbish and I really have had enough.
An example of his gambling problem is that approximately 20 months ago we were in the process of purchasing a house, one day my husband called me and said we needed an extra £1500 as the mortgage people had requested more deposit. He asked me to asked my 82 year old father for the money and we were able to complete the purchase of the property. A few months later I 'stumbled' across a bank statement of my husbands on his laptop, I was disgusted and shocked when I discovered that he had been gambling with the money we had already saved to buy the house and on an occasion he had actually won from gambling and added 10 grand, yes 10 grand to our house fund!! I carried on looking through the statement and then the gambling turned into losses, that's how come he asked me to borrow money off my father because we were then 1500 short. His reaction when confronted with this??? Yep the old favourite "it's your fault, you make me gamble"!!!.
Yesterday I found out that he had maxed out a credit card purely on gambling. He lied to me and told me he only owed 200 on the card so when I said to him about the thousand he owes and that he had gambled 800 in just 2 days he was like a stunned rabbit, cow once again he had been found out so once again he turned it round onto me and told me it had nothing to do with me. The reason I am posting on here is because after all the chances I have given him he just keeps doing it and now I am thinking "Do I really deserve to be treated like this and lied to???, do my children deserve to have to suffer his bad mood when he has been found out???.
I confronted him yesterday and today he has snapped and shouted at myself and my children over everything, this is how he usually behaves when he has been found out because he is P****d off that I have found out about it. He won't get help as he doesn't believe he has a problem, after putting up with his gambling for 12 years and the numerous times he has promised me he would stop I really feel that I can't carry on. sorry to ramble on x
Hi TJ
No you do not deserve to be treated so badly nor lied to ... nobody does. Unfortunately your husband is a compulsive gambler not in recovery or admitting there is a problem and this is what they do. By deflecting they can turn it around so that you are actually the cause of their gambling and therefore, all the ensuing troubles are also your fault. It's pure garbage but it works until one day it just doesn't.
I am the mom of a CG so my frame of reference is a little different but the lies, bad moods, playing the victim are pretty well across the board. Unfortunately as cliche as this sounds there really is nothing you can do to change your husband... that will only happen when he is ready. You can ,however, start getting yourself to a better, stronger, more peaceful place! Arm yourself with knowledge on the addiction and share with others in similar situations such as this forum and/or Gam Anon.
You are certainly not rambling. Living with an active CG is more than most people can bear. Feel free to keep writing and sharing.
I am sure some of the spouses of CGs will reply shortly with some words of support!!
Hi TJ
I am a recovering CG.
I echo what Amom has already said. A compulsive gambler will only stop if he wants to. You can try to get hin to go to counselling or GA, but in the end, if he really doesn't want to stop, he won't. As you have discovered, when we are accused or found out, we tend to either go on the attack and then gamble more, or withdraw into ourselves and gamble more.
Gamanon and counselling could both be helpful to you in understanding what is happening.
The most important thing at the moment is your wellbeing and your children. Take care of the most important people in your life. The gambler in your life will inevitably let you down and should never be trusted.
Nobody can tell you when enough is enough. Everyone is different. Only you can decide that. Don't feel that you are being judged by anyone. Most importantly, you are not to blame. He is the one that has the problem, and only he has the power to fix the problem.
Take care
Hi TJ
i hope you are feeling a little better today.
My husband is also a CG so I know exactly how you feel- been there, done that, got the t shirt . He also turns it on me to the point where I wonder what he's still doing here if life with us has driven him to it. But as others have said we must remember that it is their actions that have led them to this place.
It is so hard to know what to do for the best. I've made a decision that if things don't improve( my husband is on the waiting list for the specialist gambling clinic) then I will end the relationship. If he doesn't *** the help then my 20 year marriage will be over. I do not want to spend the rest of my life living with a CG in denial. I will only continue if he always allows me full access to his bank accounts. I will not let him do this to our family again. We are in debt up to our eye balls and although it is all in his name it is very much joint because we can no longer afford a cheap holiday etc because of the repayments. We are all suffering due to his actions. As I'm sure you all are too. It's an awful situation to be in and for me the process of trying to move forward is painfully slow.
I think ranting on here is really helpful- helps to get it all out and think it through.
I hope you have a better day today. And it might feel like you're alone in this, but you're really not. You can always off load here!
Thankyou for your replies it is reassuring to know that others know and understand what I am going through.
At the moment we are barely speaking luckily he goes away for work Sunday so that will give me some time to think. He is still doing the whole blaming me for hoa gambling and he has said that he may not return home for the weekend as he needs time to think but not about his gambling but about our marriage, he tends to do this when he has been found out, he even flew back to UK when we were living abroad to 'think' because I caught him gambling, so am not suprised at him saying this. I refuse to enter into an argument with him infront of my girls even though he is making comments about me hoping that I will react. I have had to organise with my parents for them to loan me some money to see me through as he has said he will not provide me with any money whilst he is away, not good when a forty something has to go to her parents for money so she can buy food for her children but at the moment that is the only option open to me
Hi TJ
If he is serious about not providing for you and the kids whilst he is away, you have some thinking to do. Does he have the money? If he has the money and is not providing it, well, what an utter a...hole. Spousal fights are one thing, but to take it out on the kids as well? We are very selfish when we gamble, nobody else matters as long as we can get our 'fix'.
I hope your parents are aware of his gambling, and that you are able to talk with them about this gambling problem. Having a good support base will help keep you sane. If you aren't talking to anybody about it, why not consider some counselling? It will do you good to have a heart to heart so that you can 'unload'.
Take cae
everything you said, i remember all of it happening to me too, like it was yesterday, I cant really imporve on advice already offered, just wanted to say that heres another perosn who understands, knows the pain, is thinking of you
keep talking
i am a gambler now in recovery and although i craved the support of my familly and partner, my only advice to you would be to walk away. until he realises and admits he has a problem this will never stop. he needs to hit rock bottom or at least realise and WANT to stop before this ever ends. the gambling is one thing but to refuse to provide for u is another. i fear this is because he doesnt have anything and its easier to try and excuse his lack of funds, but is more likely hes running low and needs the funds to gamble. either way, u have children who deserve better. when hes ready to admit his problem and seek help i would offer him all the support in the world. at the minute thats not the case and you need to support yourself and your children. im sorry for the harsh advice and for your suffering x
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