paralysed with anxiety 24/7

Hi Gaynor I'm so sorry your son is going through this and I'm sorry as his mum you are having to go through it with him. It's devestating isn't it. If your son is 27 and has been gambling for a while you will know all of the advice that is given out about the 'triangle' self excluding etc. It doesn't sound as though your son is ready to give up right now though. It's a different world to us, £17000 is a huge amount of money to win but as you say the addiction will draw him back in to gamble it again. It's just awful for the addict and their loved ones. Are you frightened of your son himself or the effects the gambling has had on him. My son is 26 i found out last year he had a problem and this site was a godsend to me, support and advice from other family and friends and support and advice and insight from members who have gambled. It's not something I ever thought I would have to deal with but its here and we're dealing with it and although my son isn't completely gamble free he has improved by 95 percent since November, it's not ideal but that is where we are right now. I am on my sons bank accounts and move money in and out of his account when needed, its not a sprint to the finish line it's an ongoing problem as you already know. Phone gamcare get advice off them, you can also get counselling for yourself from them. I really hope your son, yourself and family can get the help to start a recovery plan soon. Keep posting and keep reading. Take care Wcid.

Hi, Gaynor,

The three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling.

You can influence it a bit. You can enable it, by giving him money, clearing his debts, blurring the link between gambling and consequences. You can inhibit it by pushing responsibility and blame back at him and refusing to finance it. But ultimately you control you and he controls him, you don't make him gamble and you can't make him stop.

Better to move the focus over to you, how you deal with the situation you're in, to improve things for you. The best starting point is to get help, support and info, from this forum, from the helpline, from GamAnon. Tell people, blow open the secrecy in which gambling thrives, and get RL support. Otherwise you end up in a fog of addict chaos and blaming yourself.

Only you can change your situation - go for it one step at a time.

Take care,

CW

Thanks for your replies. I have tried with him to control his money and take his bank cards etc. He asked me himself to do that. But if he needs money BOY does he give me verbal abuse and says the most hurtful things to me. He becomes aggressive. I told him I would not control his finances anymore. But now I get the blame for his losses.

I want to walk away and be done once and for all but it's so hard. I want him to hit rock bottom. Has anybody actually walked away? Does it work.? I find it so hard to concentrate on myself. I'm always thinking "what next".

I too am the mom of a 27 yr old compulsive gambler. You are in a very tough spot as it sounds like he is not ready for recovery. Right now it's just about the money and he just wants to put a stop to the losing. That's where you come in... you get to be the fall guy. I looked after my son's finances (at his request) and it just became a game... and I was the loser every time!

I know you are heart broken. No matter what is going on he is still your son and this hurts like h**l to watch. However, if you can manage to step back and let him deal with and face the consequences of this he stands a better chance of hitting that "rock bottom". Step back and try to gain some perspective. As mom's we feel the need to help/fix this for them when infact it is the worst thing we can do. I had to block my son's cell # for a while as I couldn't take all the texts when he crashed. I know that sounds terrible but it had been going on for years and nothing changed so it was time I changed.

I hope that Phoenix replies to your post soon as she is still going thru h**l with her son but has found a way to live her own life again. Keep posting,learning about this addiction and reaching out for support... for you.

Cathyx

Gaynor - you have come to the right place for help and support.

Siince joining this site I am amazed at how many young people have fallen into the gambling trap but the temptations are rife with all the advertising thrown at them and gambling firms making it so quick and easy to get these poor young people to part with their money. You will find a lot of parents, including me, replying to your post who are/or have been going through the same thing as you and I know I can feel your pain and frustration. The problem is the gambling addles their minds - they get a high on betting - then they lose (more times than they win) - then they find they have wasted a whole month's wages - they then take out a payday loan - then they panic because they cannot pay it back - then they come to Mum or Dad to bail them out - and so it goes on every month - then they get angry and take it out on their closest family. Yes, Gaynor your story is so familiar to me. I have found that alcohol seems to go with the gambling and had to cope with aggressive behaviour. Your son has already admitted he has a problem and wants help and I know the mental health people are really good but sometimes with an addiction such as gambling it is maybe better to come on to a site like this, and to carry on his mental health counselling, to start the ball rolling with stopping him gambling. He sounds like he is being a bit awkward about things at the moment but I would wait until he is having a calm day, print off some info from this site and just leave it in his room or even log it on the PC and let him look at it himself. Tell him you have looked on there and there are other people on there who are trying to stop gambling who will share their stories with them. It comes to a point where you cannot keep bailing him out and he should definitely not showing you abuse. You have already taken over his finances and that is good but he has to realise that that is for his own good. If he has won all that money would it have been paid into his bank for you to control or is it easy for him to gamble it straight away? If he comes on here he can learn about self excluding himself from gambling sites, betting shops etc and even more importantly he can get professional gambling counselling and moral support from other gamblers. If you are scared of him I would suggest you ring one of the counsellors on here for some advice. My gambler did hit rock bottom and joined this site and it was literally a life saver and at the moment they are doing well as they can offload such a lot of stuff by just writing and talking to people with the same problems. And the diaries they can set up are a brilliant idea.

Most of the parents on here, including you, are supporting their kids by trying to help them kick this addiction and we will all have to try to be really strong even though we are all probably physically and mentally exhausted by it all - but as they say "It's good to talk"!!

Good luck Gaynor and keep us all posted on how you are getting on.

Hi gaynor

Im the mum of a compulsive gambler.

My son is almost 21 and started gambling while still at school.

My husband and I have "walked away" it wasn't a choice as such it was either continue living the hell we were with our son or a peaceful life with out him. We were pushed to breaking point, I was near break down and we just couldn't continue as we were.

For years I tried to fix him, after all thats what mums do, I was convinced that if anyone could help him it would be me. We went round and round in circles and he never got any better just worse over time.

I'd been told by so many people that I cant help him, but I wouldnt accept it, that was like I was giving up on him. It finally dawned on me that all those people were right, the only person who can help my son is him.

Long story short its now 14 weeks since I last saw my son and I still love him as much as ever and have to stop myself going to see him every day. What stops me is that I know nothing has changed, hes still a cg and we'd go right back in to that hell we lived in. This isnt just about us we're hoping that him having to stand on his own 2 feet pushes him closer to recovery, living the comfy life he had with us wasn't helping.

Our instincts as mums tell us to help but all that does is prolong the agony, if we save them from consequences they dont get any closer to rock bottom. I know how incrediblly painful this is, but we have to let them sort this out for themsleves and leave them alone.

Telling my son to leave has been the hardst thing Ive ever had to do but absolutely necessary. I might love him but I wont be abused by my own child and neither should you be. You need support Id start with Gamcare, they arranged counselling for me and its been priceless, theres GA too, which Im told is well worth the trip.

Our lovely sons are in there somewhere but for now the cg rules them and its for that reason we must put our wellbing first because sadly we are not their priority for them its their next bet.

Take care

Hi gaynor

Im sorry I really should of addressed the anxiety you're feeling, that horrible sick to your stomach scared stiff anxiety.

I had this pretty much most of the time, and it was this that gave me the final push to seek counselling. I had a fantastic counsellor and we went through everything that scared me and caused anxiety, she had me write a list that we literally ticked off one at a time. The key was that I was reacting as a mum she didn't have the emotional attachment I have so could see things clearer than I could.

It took a while but bit by bit we went through everything that was worrying me and I started to see things a little differnetly. I have to be honest there were some points where my anxiety got worse but that was only because we had to deal with some scary things. I was never told what to do, I came to my own conclusions, just supported through the process.

When the day came for my son to leave it was as bad as you expect it to be but I knew I was doing the right thing, it was the only thing to do and I would do it again. For a while after he left I hit rock bottom I thought I would never feel any better, but I do.

Its a new normal but its good, its quiet, very peaceful and I wouldnt give this up for anything. I do miss my son a great deal but I cope by being busy and doing things that make me feel good, even simple things like buying a new lipstick feels good or going out for a coffee, every day things that Ive haven't enjoyed in years.

When im having a bad day I remind myself that this is what he needs, I have to give him the space for him to work this out for himself.

A former cg who has been in recovery for a good few years said to me it wasn't until his parents made him stand on his own 2 feet that he wanted recovery. He said it was the best thing they ever did for him and if they hadn't done it hes convinced he would still be gambling now.

You need as much support a possible, I strongly recommend counselling which Gamcare can arrange for you and Im told Gamanon too, I couldnt get to one too far away but I wish I had been able to go.

Start taking care of you x

Hello,

The last post on here was a couple of weeks ago so not sure if you're still using it, I'm a gambler rather than a friend or family but it's really helped me to read what you have to say, especially as it's so evident how much you all still love your sons. My mum struggled with me gambling even a few pounds, so I've never been honest about how much I've really lost. But the anxiety sickness is something she mentions everytime I have something to tell her, whether it's good or bad so it really resonated with me.

It's made me realise how much I want to get better, not just for myself but for her too. She doesn't deserve a liar and an addict for a daughter. I'm sure your sons feel the same way and want to make you proud too.

Hi haehae

All your mum wants is for you to be well and happy, thats all us mums ever want theres nothing more to it than that.

You want to recover, so do everything possible you can to achieve that and accept you need support and help, GA, counselling and this forum, this isnt something that can be fixed through will power.

I think deep down inside my son does feels the same as you but so far hes not ready for recovery. I like to think that in time he'll be ready to take that first step but for now I just have to wait and leave him alone.

You can do this, start to today and just take it one day at a time.

Take care

Thank you Phoenix, it's taken me a long time to get to this point so I hope I can stick with it and it happens for your son too 🙂

haehae

You sound determined to beat this and you can if you get as many people to support you as possible. I have said many times on here that secrecy is the big problem with gambling or any other additiction so the more people you can share with the better, including the counsellors on this site and other members on here. Also, ask your mum or another close to you if they will manage your finances for you, i.e. have access to your bank account, hold your cards for you, manage your wages etc. That makes it more difficult for you to access money for gambling. If you have debts go to a citizens advice bureau or reputable government approved debt advice organisation and they will help. I have had to help one of my kids with the same problems as you and have found that doing the above has helped. Your mum will just want you to be happy and not be worrying about money and gambling from month to month. Talk over the above with her and see how you get on.

Good luck to both of you.