Morning Everyone
this is my first time on gamcare, after reading some helpful advice, I decided to post. I'm hoping you guys can assist me to move on.
My patner was a gambler and drug user before we met. He moved to a different town to be with me and start afresh. Since we are together he has given up the drug. We been together for 3 years. He is a great father to my children and a great husband. I couldn't ask for anyone better.
He dint gamble until last year when he gambled £1500 in a day. It was a relapse and he wasn't proud that he disappointed me. I was understanding and try to get professional help but unfortunately there was a long waiting list. By the time they got back, we dint bother as there dint seem to be any problems.
Though after the incident, I took over the finance and restricted his access to any money. He dint mind that and was happy with that arrangement. He gets cash and hand and was giving me his wages regularly. So I dint have any concerns.
I have recently started working and only yesterday found out that, he told me, that he has started gambling since I have gone to work. He borrowed from work colleagues and his family around £2000 and being gambling for past few weeks. He was still giving me his wages so that I don't find out. So I had no idea. Nobody knows he is a ex gambler. The reason he told me because he took money from my bag yesterday and also money out from bank.
Actually I started trusting him and he had full access to all cards and everything. If he wanted he could have taken everything ages ago. Only reason he dint cz he didn't want me to know. He works during night and home during day when I'm not around. I don't know what to do. How can I trust him again. He seems genuinely scared that he is going to lose me and me to give him a last chance. I love him with all my heart and he is a very great father and husband but how do I deal with this. I have already arranged counselling for myself and I didn't even have a chat with him since kids around. Please tell me how I can control him borrowing from others if he gets the urge again. Financially now we are proper broke and it will definitely impact our lives and relationships. What to I do!!!
Good Morning Trust
Welcome to the forum
It sounds very difficult for you right now. Its good to hear that you have arranged some counselling for yourself so you have some support at this time. People with a gambling problem can not be trusted with money and its a good idea to seperate your bank account so you can protect your own finances. If your partner is willing to have his money and cards restriced again this can be a first step to stopping. You can encourage him to call our helpline where he can also get some counselling to support himself in addressing his problem gambling advisors will help him with the process.
The Helpline number is 08 08 80 20 133 and the helpline is open 8am -midnight everyday.
I can see that you have not yet had a chance to talk with your partner. If you want to talk things through with an advisor before doing so please do call us. Here is some information for you that you may find helpful before talking with your partner it offers some guidelines in looking after yourself and supporting your partner http://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/partners-friends-and-family
Keep posting Trust we are here to support you
Thanks for the replay and the advice. I have already spoke to one of your member of staff but just don't know what to say to him as we have already been there once. How can I trust him again after last time? What would change this time? Our finance is under my control but borrowing from other people, that is not something I can control. I don't want him to think that he can get away with this by forgiving him, I don't think that will help him recover but I don't know the alternative either
Hi. The problem with gambling is the secrecy and because of that there comes telling lies, borrowing money, maybe stealing and the vicious circle just goes on and on. But when people have lovely families and children it is soul destroying to watch the destruction. You have already tried to control his finances but it seems he still has access to the bank - take that access away if possible. T he banks are very kind in situations like this and will give you advice on what to do. Talk to the members of yur family who are lending him money and let them know he has a problem - they are not helping by lending money and may not realise they are actually bailing him out of gambling debts. It is difficult witth the workplace because you do not want him to lose his job but they may soon realise he has a problem. Show him this site when you have 5 minutes on your own together -
Keep talking to the counsellors on here - you will find it easier the more you talk to them.
Good luck.
Hi Trust
You cant control him, he makes his own decisions even if they are the worst ones possible he still makes them.
You can control your side financially and you should tell family members and close friends not to give him money and why, you dont have to shout it from the roof tops but telling them will limit a good chunk of his access to money. Im not sure about anyone at work but if he's regularly borrowing from them they will soon get sick. He'll beg you not to tell anyone and yes that is partly shame plus hes protecting a reliable flow of money. My son tried always to get money and gave some great stories to family and friends and they gave him it, until I told them not to, none of them had a clue he was a cg. The friends he borrowed from are few and far between they got sick of his borrowing and Im sure any work mates of your partners will too. I should add the few essential people I told have been supportive and havent ever given him another penny.
I know how much you love your partner and Im sure he's the great dad you say he is, but he's also a cg and its their destrcutive behaviours that we must prtoect ourselves from. I love my son as much as ever, but hes a cg and I dont trust him, its not a bad thing its absolutely vital.
Your partner has been in recovery before and can do it again if and only if he wants it, a slip up all be it a big one doesn't mean hes failed, failure is when you dont get back up and keep trying. Its not something thats fixed and done with, it has to be on going work for the rest of their life, stop being so careful and it makes a set back like this easier.
Many people go on to live a happy gamble free life, but they must want it and be prepared to do everthing needed to keep it that way. For us loved ones its not so much the money (although that can be bad) its the emotional impact it has on us, and Im pleased to see you've arranged counselling to help with that. Id also recommend telling your family or close friend, its very isolating and you need as much support as you can.
Take care
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