Hi everyone
I'm new to this and hoping those who have been affected by something similar can share stories and/or offer some support. My partner started betting in January 2012 when going through a previous divorce. We got together in January 2013, I was aware of the divorce but not the gambling. Since we got together he has admitted gambling twice, the first time it was £20k (his parents paid it off), the second time it was £10k (I paid it off), I paid it off as I don't like stress in my life and I just thought this was the quickest way to get rid of it and now it has happened a third time £50k this time. His parents have again paid it off, I spoke to them and said he won't learn a lesson if we keep paying it off, but they're Hindu and it's a disgrace in their culture. They have said if he does it again they will disown him.
The gambling and money is a big deal to me but not as much as him lieing behind my back all the time. How someone can wake up to me every morning and not show that anything is wrong only tell me at the point he's ran out of money is sickening. I look at him and feel like I can't be bothered anymore, I'm hurt and angry.
We were meant to move in together next year and his parents have told me not to worry as the money he has gambled they'll give me it for the deposit but I think they're in denial as they've both had heart problems due to the stress and his Dad is crying himself to sleep.
When it initially happened the third time I threw him out but then I didn't go through with it. He told me about it 6 weeks ago and I've not been able to look him in the eye, I feel anger inside of me and betrayal and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I'm not even sure how to make the decision that he's worth it. 3 years of gambling £80k away.
He has this time admitted he has a problem and is seeking counselling and has also drafted a plan how he envisages fixing the issue which is all really positive but I'm not positive about us at all. I feel like his counsellor more than a partner now, I feel like I've had to coach it out of him why he's been gambling and he thinks he can just shut it off and not look back and I know it's a bigger deal than that.
I'm so angry and I'm not sure what to do, I'm really confused by what has happened as I don't understand gambling. I don't understand how he could do this to me and the anger I feel inside of me I'm not really sure I can live a life this way. How serious did it get if you've walked away and when do you know it's the right time?
Hi AK1987,
What I've learnt in the two weeks since joining this forum is you're not alone! Yes that is a massive debt and I feel for you and the CG's parents, it's not fair, gamblers are selfish and immature as well as deceitful and manipulative, as I'm sure you are noiw more than well aware. I'm going through something similar albeit minus £65k of debt but still enough to make me sick to my stomach! I'm also at the stage where I'm not sure I can do it anymore but CG are masters at convincing us they can change. But I'm exhausted by the whole thing! I have begged and pleaded for full financial disclosure but he won't allow it which to means he's not ready to change....he hasn't hit rock bottom yet!
I can only echo the advice I have been given on here, no more bail outs, speak to his parents if you are able, but he has to understand the consequences of his actions. Consider counselling for him and you, I did and speaking to someone helps....a lot! Put any barriers in place that you can eg. blocking software, maintain security of your finances.
You will find some great people who will give you solid advice and support, people who have and are going through something similar even from gambling addicts themselves.
Good luck and be positive
X
Thanks twinkle toes. I'm exhausted too I really cant be bothered with him anymore. Good luck x
​
Hi AK1987,
Well done for posting here, and thanks for sharing your story. It really takes effort to pour your heart out, and I hope by so doing, you find a lot of support and encouragement here.
From your account of the story, it seems like your husband is not ready to give up gambling otherwise, he would have allowed you to take control of all his finances, and until such time that he feels well recovered to manage his finances again.
I’d like to make you aware that gambling problem gets worse, if you don’t do anything about it, and it can easily get out of control; it’s just like a vicious cycle, really.
It’s obvious that paying off his debts without any consequences did fuel his gambling habit. Should any debt from him come to the surface, I’ll advise that you use his salary to pay his debt, even if that amount is not enough. You can help him to negotiate with his creditors so they spread the payment to an affordable amount or,
you can encourage him to contact Step Change on: 0800 138 1111 for their expert advice on debt management. They can also help him with the negotiation bit.
More importantly, you may like to advise him to contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, and speak to an adviser. An adviser can also refer him to 12 sessions of free counselling, and nearest to where you live.
His response to the above advice and suggestions will give you an idea about how serious he is to overcome his gambling problem.
Please note that we can also offer you the same amount of counselling sessions if you feel that would help you to cope better with the impact of your husbands gambling problem.
Please do try and protect your finances from his, and stay in touch with us so we’ll know how you are faring, and just in case you need further help and support.
Thanks again for disclosing your story, and please keep posting.
Best wishes,
Beatrice
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
