I have read a lot of messages on here and only today signed up to write my own. I've been with my partner for six years when I met him he already had a son and we very quickly had our baby not long after. I was only 18 at the time and didn't really know about the gambling. He was not around much when I first had our son and was in and out of jobs. A few years down the line he settled down and found a good job which he remains in today. a few months down the line I realised he liked a bet and just considered it as just that he always put football bets on. His family never discouraged it and he comes from a good family home. I then realised he had debt with a lot of different companies. He didnt want to tell his parents and I thought I was doing what was best by not telling them. He assured me it was under control until, the bailiffs turned up at his parents. We have never lived together and his mum was less than impressed. His mum always threatens with broken promises and kicked him out for a week and then let him back in. Before this he borrowed money from his cousin to pay off all his debts with the promise to pay it back. Which he did. Great I thought it was over. A few months down the line we split up. He then took out pay day loans and started gambling and drinking. We ended up getting back together and theentold me what he had done. I thought it very selfish as his cousin had used his wedding money to bail him out. Again things just continues as mormal. He always stopped at the bookies or had to collect a bet and always amade time in his day for it regardless. Two years ago his parents found out that he had got himself even more into debt. I had told him I would help conslidate things so he knew where he stood but he told me he didn't know how much he owed or who too. When his mum threatened to kick him out again she made him sort out who he had to pay off. Wich yes he has now done lots however his dad paid most of it off with him now repaying his dad. In the last two weeks I found out his been lying. He had a lot of money and within two months manage to spend at least five grand. I confronted him and he told me he took cash back at the bookies as his statements say five hundred pound at a time. I didn't believe him as cash back I'm sure is set at a lot less than this. I wanted us to be a proper family and make a go of it but I can't trust him. My dad was a liar and I no longer have anything to do with him. I don't want my son to go through that with his own dad. I've asked him to see someone but his very smug he says he doesn't have a problem and doesn't talk to me about any of it. I now know the real reason we never made a home for ourselves is because he would have to give up the one thing he loved the most... The bookies. I forgot to mention, since his dad paying of his debt he told me he had none left I then found a letter where she owes grands to pay back loan companies . I don't know what to do anymore, if I walk away this time I walk away for good. I don't want my five year old son to see what his dad does I dont want him to think its acceptable. I want him to get help because he thinks he needs to not because I want him too. I can't trust him with money And I just wanted to make a life for our family.
Hello Fay90 and welcome to the Forum,
Your partner is still at a place of denial and no one can do much about him unless he recognises the problem for himself. People can be in denial for a long time. Please, read the information on gambling addiction which you can find under the ‘Get Advice’ section on this website.
It does sound like you are in this on your own and you need to protect yourself and your son from things getting worse. GamCare provides free counselling sessions and you may want to contact us and speak to an advisor who can put you in touch with the nearest counselling service to you.
Best wishes,
Ana
Hi Faye
i know exactly how you feel. Your story is exactly the same as mine in almost every way. I asked my partner of 6 years to move out 6 weeks ago hoping he would realise he had a problem and start to do something about it. For 6 weeks he has told me he had not had a bet online (online gambling is what he's addicted to) and I thought he was trying to change but this week he admitted he lied and has been gambling online for weeks. I am devastated and feel so ill with it all but if he can't help himself how can I help him?. I have a daughter who's nearly 3 and his gambling and the lies have destroyed our relationship. I wish I could offer you some advice.
From a compulsive gambler to the families of another...I am so sorry 🙁
I can only second the Forum Admin advice...'We' cannot be helped until we are ready to be helped I'm afraid. My mother is also a compulsive gambler and refuses point blank to join me on my journey as she doesn't believe she has a problem despite having nothing to her name & me handling her bills!
I wish you both the very best & look after yourselves & your children - ODAAT
Please help. I have been with my partner for 7 years. The first year we were together he was deceptive to me (he texted another girl behind my back, it was only a few texts and nothing really that bad but it still hurt) it took me ages to forgive him and now id wish id walked away, because it only gets harder!!! We have lived together for 3 years, and we have such a great stable well balanced relationship, that was until last month when I found out he had been using our joint account to help fund his gambling addiction. I always knew he wasn’t great with money and knew he gambled from time to time but had no idea he was addicted, not until now! Basically he had been borrowing money out of our joint account for 3 years behind my back! He had been putting the majority of it back in when he had been paid or when he had won but had lost track and ended up not putting £1100 back in over the three year period, which makes £550 of that my money! I was in absolute shock when I found out and so was he when we added up how money he had been taking and to what extent was missing, he ran out crying! It’s so hard to believe because believe it or not he is such a kind, caring, understanding and loving man! All my friends and family love him! He says that he’s so glad it’s now out in the open and feels like a big weight has been taken off his shoulders. He has told all his friends and family and has agreed to go to ga meetings which he’s already started! His wage has increased over the last few years and I think that is were the problem escalated, luckily we still had enough money to pay the bills etc so it was never that uncontrollable. I’m just so hurt. I love this man, and on one hand I feel like I should stick by him because although he has been very deceptive, it’s an addiction, on the other hand I feel like he has really taken advantage of me. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you x
Hi PoppyBlue
It's a really difficult one because he has lied and ultimately stolen.
I have done the same and was scared my wife would leave me when she found out as I knew what I had done wasn't fair on her.
She wasn't too bothered about the money in the end whilst it was a massive sum I owe, but the lies were harder for her to understand. I'm not sure whether she truely does understand why I did what I did, as I even look at myself and say 'Why did I do that??!!'
I think when someone finds out their partner has been doing something behind their back, they think they have been having fun. For me it was far from it, everyday I hated myself, I still do to a degree. I was stuck in a rut where I was too ashamed to ask for help, I just kept digging and digging a bigger hole for myself.
Now it's all out in the open I'm sure he feels relieved and hopefully you can support him to come back a stronger person. No one would blame you whatever you decide to do but I'm sure he loves you very much too and regrets every little lie.
It's a horrible place us gamblers get into and drag our families into, and it's also one of the hardest addictions to understand. All the adverts for bookies show's people having a laugh and winning money, whilst I'm sure a lot of gamblers do get enjoyment, pop into any bookies on a Tuesday morning and you'll see a hell of a lot of despair.
Hope you sort things out and your partner shakes off this addiction, take control of his finances if you haven't already. Seems like he's going in the right direction with GA, also alot of good info on here for him.
Thanks so much for your reply. It's good to hear it from a different perspective and I feel exactly the same as ur wife and he says he feels exactly the same as u. I told him 3 weeks ago to own up if there was anything else and that I would take anymore lies. Then I find out that last night he lied to me again, I asked him if he had changed our joint account statements to his parents house, he said he hadn't and he wouldn't do that. This morning I recieve a text from him telling me he wants to be honest with me and that he did lie about that too! I just don't how much more I can take. When will the lying stop? He said he's told me everything now but he said that 3 weeks ago. I have taken full control of his finances now. Are u still with your wife? Have u stopped?
Hello I've joined the site today. My partner has a gambling addition. We moved away from our home town 3 months ago for a new life In the Isle of Wight. my partner Is responsible for paying the rent and all the bills cause I don't work. He has done nothing but gamble all his money away since we moved here. He blew 800 pound the weekend and left me and our 2 children with no food. I can't cope anymore and I feel like he has trapped me as I have left all my family and friends back home. he's not going to stop.
Yes, we are still together, luckily the trust issues are purely around money/gambling and if she keeps close control of the finances and we talk a lot we will get through it together. I've been gambling 16 years on and off, although currently 18 days without gambling which might not seem a lot but it's beaten all previous records 🙂
I also confessed to some lies and even though I had come clean I couldn't bring myself to tell her about some little ones, must have been too much shame for one day, and like your partner I had to confess, couldn't take any more lying. It was emotional for us both.
He really doesn't want to lie, he just felt he had to to 'survive'. One lie leads to another and they just spiral out of control, along with the finances!
It's a terrible addiction where it's possible to lie to hide the lies/shame, not sure an alcholic or drug user could hide their addictions.
Obviously I don't know the full details of your finances but hopefully you are not in too bad of a place and can work it out. He probably didn't tell you because he didn't want to disappoint you, rather than enjoying a secret life behind your back.
If your partner is anything like me, he finds it hard to talk about his feelings, the counselling I received from Gamcare helped me so much to open up about how I'm feeling, I think it might have made our relationship better.
At the moment you have a lot of anger and probably trust issues which is completely understandable. Especially with money you should not trust him for a good while, watch what he is spending, will make him feel like a child for a bit getting pocket money but it's for the best in the long run. I get £100 a month spenders until my debts are paid off!
He is probably feeling worthless and ashamed. There are no winners here, just the bookies, hopefully you can rebuild together and make sure the bookies do not get another penny!
Good luck!
Hi CharlieT
Sorry to hear about the way things are going.
Is it possible for you to take control of the money? Does he accept he has a problem?
If he is looking for help I'm sure they have Gamblers Anonymous on the Isle of Wight and lots of help on here.
If he doesn't accept he has a problem and he is in charge of the money it doesn't look good. This will probably happen week after week, baring the odd lucky win. If he won't help himself you should look to protect yourself the best you can, make sure you have your own money etc. If it's coming to the stage where you can't eat, I'd be looking at coming home to family until he gets the help he needs.
Really difficult one, I hope he gets help 🙁
Hi tearsofaclown,
Just wondered how's everything going for u? My partner has not gambled for almost 2 months as far as I can see from his statements/phone etc. He says he does think about it now and again but just distracts himself. He says he hasn't had any real urges! X
All going really well!
No gambling at all. No real urges although some thoughts. I've had access to small amounts of money but nothing to which I could cause any damage as my wife is controlling all the money.
I still don't feel safe or 'cured' in anyway so my wife is looking after the money for the forseeable future.
Also I am doing a lot of reading and trying to get as much help as possible.
Because I've not been gambling I've been getting much more pleasure from the simple things in life like going out for meals, spending time with family, playing sport etc. Whilst I was gambling I was truly miserable and couldn't concentrate with the smallest of things. Feel almost like a different person, definitely don't want to go back to the dark days of lying, cheating, worrying etc
Glad to hear your partner is doing well, hope he can keep it going!
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