This post might seem a bit unusual, but I’m hoping to hear from anyone who has gone through something similar and how they dealt with it. I’m currently going through a divorce, and my partner has stated that she wants me to forfeit my entire equity in our family home (approximately £70,000) because I previously gambled away what she considers 'matrimonial money.'
Between 2018 and 2020, I was a destructive gambler, engaging in ALL the harmful behaviours that come with the addiction. This included gambling away large sums of money that I borrowed from her during that period. (Throughout our marriage, we managed our finances separately.)
Long story short, since 2020, I’ve been able to significantly curb my gambling, though I’ve had occasional slip-ups. Overall, I can say that I’ve managed to turn things around. In 2020, I was also able to repay her everything I owed and worked hard to improve my credit rating, which was in shambles. In 2022, we bought our house together with a 50/50 contribution.
I’ve agreed to walk away and relinquish my equity to her, but I wanted to ask - Is this a sort of price we can expect pay because of our past gambling addiction? I am struggling to describe how I feel.
@frogman Hi Frog. I am sorry to hear that you have gone through such a turbulent time. A massive well done on restricting the gambling.
As for your question 'Is this a sort of price we can expect to pay because of our past gambling addiction?' On the face of it, the entire thing is unfair. You never asked for this, you had a mental health issue. You also tried to make reparations and paid back what you took.
On the flip side your wife trusted you and you broke that trust. There is probably a lot of money that could have gone into equity of your house that you gambled.
There is no clear answer to your question. However there are big ramifications to a gambling problem and if we accept that we have a gambling problem we need to also accept the issues that come with it.
I could have brought a house with my losses. A nice house with an extension, landscaped garden and all the extras. But this is not relevant. My biggest losses were my time and my constant anxiety due to gambling. Money is just money, numbers that have little relevance unless you are unable to clothe or feed yourself.
Focus on your mental health now. Who you want to be now and what are the relationships that you want to grow? Once you do this you will be looking forward not back and the past enough to even ask the question.
Hi Frogman
when I went to a solicitor to file for divorce, 5 years ago, I was told all money is marital. There would be 50/50 split of everything including both incomes, pensions, house. The only thing that would affect that was our daughter was under 18 at the time.
The solicitor couldn’t say whether the judge would look at things differently. ie favour me because of the gambling. I didn’t work at the time.
In my opinion you should speak to a solicitor. I think relinquishing your share is admirable but unfair. You’ve paid your debts.
If you’ve read any of my posts you’ll see that I believe I played my part in the chaos. When you’re with a gambler you become their enabler. Lending money keeps you sick, keeps the cycle going. Gambling affects the whole family and the family get sick. The family need help not just the gambler.
In my opinion taking your share is unfair, but nothing is often fair in divorce. I do hope you’ve got support and strategies in place to safeguard you.
I was in a similar situation. Ended up getting a legal separation where I got much less than I put into the house. Probably could have fought for more, but I wanted out quickly after realising the marriage meant nothing. She was happy to see me out with nothing. I know we bring pain to others as gamblers, and we can blame mental illness etc, but to be married for any length of time and have your partner want everything is unacceptable in my opinion.
Get some legal advice, try to talk it out. Does she really want you desolate? Do you mean that little to her that she would see you with nothing? If she can answer yes to this, then take the solicitor option. I’m sure it will backfire on her and she would have wished it was the friendly option! My solicitor wanted a piece of everything from her and I had to sign to say I understood the advice given and was happy to ignore it. I thought I was fair. Didn’t want pensions, items in house etc, just a fair amount of cash back. I did put it in after all.
Hope you get the outcome you are looking for.
Stay strong 💪
Thank you very much. Sorry to hear what you’ve been through as well. I wouldn’t say that she wants me desolate completely but she definitely wants everything from me as perhaps a punishment for wanting out. We have two kids, and to maintain a friendly relationship moving forward, and for my peace and happiness, I’d rather she kept the house because of the kids. But just to hear her say she wants my entire share of the house because of my past addiction leave me with a bitter feeling. Because I earned more, I paid more towards the household from marriage up until 2022 when she started earning well too. I want an amicable separation and I have told her I am not interested in her savings, pension or anything of that sort, but I suspect she will be aiming for the courts even despite what I am offering. I guess Thebean is right that we would have to bare the consequences of our actions regarding gambling.
Tough spot mate. I feel for you. My ex and I had always agreed if we separated we would do it amicably and fairly. I stuck to my end of the bargain, but we can’t foresee how the other side will play ball.
All I can say mate is that the split for me, from the relationship, the home, the life I always wanted, was actually the start of something new and better. It really drives me in staying gamble free knowing what it can do. I now feel in a much happier place and although my life was ruined and I’m still in huge debt, this really was a new chapter opening. The whole divorce thing is horrible. It’s amazing how little people think of each other when they split. As long as you can say you’ve looked after your kids and have somewhere to live, you’ve done all you can as a father.
Yes, you hurt your ex by gambling, but the consequences are losing your relationship, your family life and home. It doesn’t mean you lose everything you’ve worked for. You still have a life to live, just a different one, and for your ex to want you to start at ground zero, with nothing, is out of order (again in my opinion!). Fair split, amicable separation, if anything for the sake of the kids. How can they have a relationship with you if you have nothing. Is that what she wants her kids to see?
Sorry for the rant. Makes me angry when someone tries to take things they haven’t earned! Ironic, seen as that’s kind of what gamblers want
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