Red Flags

January last year, I found out that my partner of now 13 years (husband for 3) was in £23,000 of debt through various loans- Inc high interest and payday loans. I found this out myself after a call from a credit card lender on our home phone wanting to speak to him whilst he was at work. I'd known for a while something was off so I then logged into clearscore with his details and saw it all there for myself. When he got home I had to pull the confession out of him, and my life as I knew it shifted dramatically.

For a long time their had been arguments about money, about the amount of time spent on his phone. We gradually stopped doing anything together as he directed all of his funds towards the gambling. I knew for a long time something wasn't right, but every time I asked he convinced me I was going mad that it was me. This massively impacted my mental health.

I took control of the money dealt with National Debt line and tried to work out a way forward. I ve always been very careful with my own money after seeing my own parents struggle. I sent him to GA, got him to do the Gamcare course. Over time I got support from Gamcare for myself after I realised the toll it was taking.

The money worries have took a toll at times. I'm on significantly less money than him but if anything went wrong in the house or vet bills arose I had to find a way to cover it. In the end due to the cost of living rising he would often only have £5 a month left over after his bills and it became really hard to live with. After telling his grandparents they kindly agreed to half his debts in August last year and it has made life more manageable. We were very lucky they could do that.

In April he was made redundant that brought about extra pressure. It took time for his payout to come through and even though he found work quickly we had to wait for his first wage. Again I got us by and now he has thankfully paid that money back into our savings.

With this redundancy payout though I feel this potentially brought about a temptation. Now there is money again to fund a bet. I regularly check his basic bank account (top up debit card) and part of him staying was him agreeing for me to take control of the finances. But I've notified his attitude towards this change recently. He was very reluctantly for me to check his bank account the otherday, he snatched his phone away from me and his whole manner changed. I recognised that behaviour from when he was gambling. He's told me I'm looking for something that's not there. He seemed to panicking, pacing and almost crying. I asked him to tell me what he'd done and he's said nothing... I asked for his phone back but again he snatched off me and would only let me look so far. He wouldn't let me check his emails properly either.

I know I do not trust him. I can be quite emotionally distant and we are looking to start relationship counselling. I know that I have drove his recovery and organised all of the counselling referrals, Debt management etc. He's been willing to go along with it all for the sake of us. But ultimately I know his ability to compulsively lie and I know this behaviour is a massive red flag as much as he tried to turn this around on me. 

I've asked him to stay with his Mum for a while and he has obliged. His behaviour will become quite over the top now, Flowers, letters, promises and plans for the future. But I have to stand firm because I know something isn't right and I can't go through all the lying yet again.

I would say I am numb, but I know that really I am heartbroken. Just needed to speak to people that would actually get it.