Regaining trust from my wife

Hi mate first of all congrats on the 835 days that takes a lot of willpower should be proud of yourself. The wife on the other hand all I can say is maybe talk a bit more to her and possibly take her out for a date night here and there let her know she is still important to you and thank her for all that's got the two of you to this point let her know that all you want is for her and your girls to be happy and you'll work on your relationship and continue in your recovery and being fully open with regards to finances etc . But at the end of the day it's all down to the individual and how they move forward.

All the best pal 

Hi

In time I learned to heal my pains reduce my fears learn to trust my self and to trust other.

In the recovery program I could not trust my self with money so I handed it over to my wife.

In time I started to value my self and by making much healthier choices I learned to live my life with the gambling.

The gambling addictions and obsessions was a way of me trying to run away from my self.

In time my pains get healed.

In time my fears reduce.

In time my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations were reduced.

By working my recovery in a healthy way I live a much healthier healed life.

Dave L

Dave of Beckenham

Send her the link to this website mate as she can get some help and advice as an 'affected other'...thats the posh phrase for someone us gamblers have affected through our behaviour; like wifes, partners, parents, kids or even just friends etc etc etc.

She should do it on her own without you looking over her shoulder so give her space, but it would be sensible to direct her to this forum and a few posts from partners who are in her position.

The problem with being a gambler is that we lie and cheat and deceive and unfortunately it takes time to put that behind a relationship. I'm certain that my partner will never truly be completely free of the thought that I'm not sneaking around behind her back gambling again. Thats a weight I have to carry......its my fault.

There is of course another elephant in the room - are you certain this is to do with your past gambling and there isn't something else thats bothering her? If things were fine for a couple of years and then this crops up I'd sit down with her and have a good talk about everything except the gambling as it might not be that. My ex-wife went absolutely bonkers when she reached just over 40yr old, she changed completely.....hormones etc and unfortunately it ended our marriage and she left me with the kids including our 9yr old daughter (not like her normal behaviour at all).

Good luck

Mick

Hi, well done on 835 days. The thing I picked up on from your post is that you still have your own Bank account. Maybe this is part of why she doesn't trust you. I would say hand over control of your finances to her, get your Bank to put a block on gambling transactions and cancel your debit card. May seem restrictive but would show you are prepared to sacrifice this to show her how serious you are. 

I say this because as soon as my wife found out about my gambling that is what we did. I have no access to our finances, current account or savings, and it works fine. After a few months we agreed I could have my credit card back for spending but she keeps a close eye on that. As you cannot use credit cards for online gambling it is a safe way for me to have access to money. I know people will say I could draw cash out but I used to only gamble online, never been in a bookies in my life. Also, I know if I did anything stupid that would be the end for us after 33 years married. I also have £10 cash about in case of emergency.

This works great for us but maybe not for others. As a result of the support of my wife I am now 3 weeks away from 3 years gamble free and life is good. My wife came to terms with what I had done with some counselling from Gamcare and thinking of my addiction as an illness which I will always be recovering from.

Hope this helps

All the best

I trust my compulsive gambler husband with everything except money. I know he will not cheat on me, he is loyal and that he’ll take care of me. I trust him with everything but money. With his consent, I still access his bank accounts and credit reports regularly mainly for my peace of mind. Initially he was frustrated about it, but probably as a result of him regularly attending GA his perpective eventually changed. He said he’s now grateful that i don’t trust him with money and he knows it’s probably because i truly care about him. And it’s true. He shouldn’t strive or want my trust with money. He is 3+ years gamble free, we are happy and have a solid relationship but we should never be complacent when it comes to gambling addiction.