It's still early days, he admitted it, handed over the finances, went to GA and is cooperating...but in conversation and by his attitude there's only regret and not real passionate remorse. I've been through most of the papers and now know the extent of the gambling, it's the equivalent of the Greek debt.
He does what he's asked to and I hold out for what I want when I need to in respect of the finances but he doesn't like me continuing to plough through the unopened default notices. He's still quick to point out my -extensive- faults and tell me what I need to do to improve our new relationship. And he said he'll probably end up leaving because I won't be able to stop myself from throwing it in his face and he'll get to the point where he can't take it.
Where is his commitment to doing whatever it takes to overcome this and to see it as the least he can do for us?The addict's selfishness is still there. He's not comfortable with reminders and just wants to brush it under the carpet. This isn't what I married or what I want now. Can CGs change back from years and years of addiction and the behaviour that goes with it? Is it realistic to expect the man I married to return?
Thanks,
Cynical Wife
Morning CW
ive asked myself that too. When I first found out the truth I thought I could rescue my husband, find him again, bring him back from the brink..but now I'm thinking he's too far gone. He had lived this lie for 14 years and it's so ingrained in him, the damage is so deep I have so little faith I can ever find the man I married again. And he doesn't either. I've tried the I believe in you, we can do this together etc but it's made no difference.
I know it can be done because there are many recovering CG on here. But like you I doubt my CG is one of them.
Morning Katie,
Thanks for posting. I think that it's been over a decade, too and we've just got used to accepting addict mood swings, selfishness and desire to self isolate as normal. The changes needed are huge but he needs to be passionately committed to making them - which is the whole problem with addiction.
Nightmare!
Thanks All comfort is welcome.
Hi CW
It is still early days, regret and self pity are reasonably common among ex-gamblers early on in their recovery. Look for a change after about a month of GA meetings and being gamble free. The GA literature sparked in me a little bit of soul searching...
I was remorseful from the get-go, but we are all different. I wanted to stop, blamed nobody but myself, and accepted and asked for help. Even with me wanting to stop, it was very hard early on.
Best wishes
Thanks v much. I know that I'm quite impatient, having a timescale helps.
Best wishes,
CW
Hi, HL,
How many times did Mr HL try to stop before he managed it? Was wondering how realistic one attempt is going to be...am not keen on any more destruction.
Thanks,
CW
Hi CW
I would have to agree with HalfLife re "Problem to my mind isn't necessarily the amount they've gambled it's the way it fires up the brain and keeps it in gambling mode which is the last thing anyone needs."....
I was 'clean'... for approx 3 years before I had my one and only bust (so far). Unfortunately that bust lasted for about 6 months 🙁 The major problem I had though was that I found it harder to stop again the 2nd time around. I had a taste for it again. I hated it, and yet I loved it at the same time. I have been clean for over 3 years again now, but up until early this year I was still having the occasional thought about gambling. It's a tough addiction to beat. You really have to want to stop!
BTW... The 1 month time limit I mentioned in my previous post was only a guide. For some people change will take longer.
Best wishes
Hi, Wal1957,
Thanks for posting. The main thing is that you're gamble free now and committed to staying that way. Sadly, can't say the same of Himself, he might quite like to stop but am not convinced that he really wants to more than the next bet, no fire.
Still early days but GA have their work cut out.
BW
CW
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