Hi everybody, I only found out about my husband's problem today so been looking for answers and found your forum.
The thing is, that his friends gamble a lot, but all he was doing were just a couple of pounds on fruit machines. Last month there were 2 big occasions on which he was out with his friends without me, and now I have seen his bank statements, where on both nights he had spent about half of his salary each in bookies leaving him in overdraft already with a month to go!
I have my separate account, so no worries for that, but we are meant to save up for our own place (to move out from the parents), but this seems to just have been an amount of money spent there!
I was so furious that I spoke to him on phone, saying we will need to have a serious conversation about it and he will have to promise to never do it again or ... I will leave. This might have been an overreaction, but I honestly would do, although we love each other very much and everyone says we have a perfect relationship too... Well, as it turns out nothing can be perfect.
Can you maybe give me an advice how to carry out a talk like that? I know I should not be too harsh on him but I want to make a clear point now before it gets any further.
Thanks a lot.
Hi welcome to the site
I am a recovery Gambler and this is my 3rd attempt and hopefully my last, I would like to share a few words with you hope you dont mind.
The 1st and 2nd attempts of givin up I was trying to please other people and i really dont think deep down i wanted to stop but this time I really want to stop I am on day 57 so far everything is going great, In the past i have lost ££££ s of my husbands money hurt him more than anything my kids have had to go without all the nice things thier friends have which really hurts but at the end of the day i couldnt stop doing this to them.
One day in november I woke up and thought right I dont want to do this any more I joined this site blocked myself from every possible site and handed all my money over to my husband all these steps have helped me so far but what I am trying to say is that your if your husband want to stop for him he can but if he doesnt he wont no matter what you say do to him sorry if all this is a bit harsh but but everyone is differant maybe show him this site and take it from there.
I wish you all the best
Hello stranger, fully agree with pinks posting. Ultimatums possibly don't work, think your other half needs to front up and firstly he needs to want to stop for himself. Possibly offer the support but make it clear this isn't the life you had intended....
Wishing you well
hi stranger...ultimatums dont work for sure and as the other posts say he has to want to stop for himself.
I cans understand your anger...my own got the better of me this Xmas and i was not proud to be so out of control ...just keep posting if you can...the CG.s in recovery are excellent and can give you a lot of support too,aswell as the helpline and chatrooms...xxx your not alone and we are all in this together.
Hi I think it's already been summed up pretty well but I would like to add a couple of points of my own....
a) Just in case there is any part of you thats taken his 'deceipt' personally, please don't - It's amazing what draw the gambing bug/addiction can have. I have sacrificed many things through gambling and it quickly becomes a viscious circle. It is hugely frustrating getting the money together to get your own place and in moments of weakness, it can be easy to see gambling as a way of making money. I have no idea about your other half but many a time that I was gambling, all I could think of is what I would buy my loved ones, if I could just win a few more pounds!
b) Yes your other half needs to recognise that he has a problem, which from what you write, he has. He has gambled more than he can 'afford'
c) If you do make an ultimatum/ have certain needs then I agree it could be dangerous but I also get that you must protect yourself so if you do, then be realistic but also follow through on what you say. It will ultimately be for him as much as you - if he can manipulate you, even unintentionally then it coud be a slippery slope
d) If you were otherwise happy with your relationship then please don't write him off without giving him a chance.
I loved my wife to bits anyway but the strength of character she has shown during the last year (since I confessed/last gambled) has been immense and in a strange way we are more olid as a couple than ever before. On my part I have no secrets, she can open my mail/check my email/check my bank balance whenever she wants
best wishes to you and I hope he recognises that you're keen to work through this - but selfishly, however you approach that conversation it will be bloomin hard for you both!
regards
Dan
P.s if he doesn't think he has a problem, there is a great list of 'signs of a gambler' that he should have a look at, or better still get him to read some of the stories in the recovery diaries section - there is a whole cross section of society posting in their own diaries on a daily basis, the amounts involved may vary but the behavioural patterns are so similar its scary! I have a good job, good prospects an amazing family and I nearly lost the lot by 'placing one more bet'!
Hi guys and thank you all for the replies. We talked yesterday, we didn't discuss my leaving ultimatum at all, think having said it one time was enough. He said yes he is sorry he spent that much and he promised not to go bookies again. Also, we agreed I will be able to look through his bank statements and we will start saving from the next salary. We also clarified all his finances, what other cards he has, that he doesn't have any loans etc. For the time being, I trust all he said, but still will keep an eye on his finances.
Like I mentioned before, both times he spent so much money were on nights out, he said he actually won nearly 2/3 of the money he spent and has it in cash, but it's not about winning or not winning, it's about going to gamble in first place.
A conclusion from all this for myself is to try to go out with him more often.
I also mentioned the forum to him and told, that I am being so worried because of the stories I read here and I don't want it ever to go that far.
He was very worried whether I told anything to his parents, I said I hadn't but I would if that would ever happen again. Think this is also what he would be very ashamed of.
I hope that yesterday's conversation has been a lesson to both of us, but only life will show won't it...
Wishing all of us lots of luck and success,
Stranger x
Thanks
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