Hi,
This is the first time I've ever posted on any forum for anything but I'm hoping it will help to share my story, it's certainly helped me to read others and know I'm not alone.
I'm 33 years old and have been with my husband since we were 19, so 14 years, we married 4 years ago and he has a fruit machine addiction.
Gambling has been a part of our relationship since we first met, but at the age of 19 and never growing up around gambling I didn't have any concerns in the early days, it was exciting and fun and felt like a very social thing to do. I would always go along to pubs, bingo halls or seaside arcades and sit next to him while he ploughed money into the flashing light box. I'd never enjoyed or been addicted to fruit machines, I enjoyed solialising with the people we met in our usual haunts.
Roll forward 5 years, mid twenties when the realisation hit me, he'd gambled that much (with me by his side) that I was £25k in debt on various credit cards, this nearly split us and I made him choose, me or gambling. He chose me and I took out an IVA to repay my debt which left me unable to obtain any credit such as a mortgage for 6 years so we were renting, although I dreamed of owning my own house, having a family...all those "normal" things. He stuck to his promise and quit, self excluded from all our haunts and we concentrated on getting out of debt. Sad thing is, we found that all of our "non gambling" friends were no longer around, we'd neglected them for 5 years and now we had no gambling friends so life was extremely boring.
I'd concentrated on my career, figuring the more I could earn the quicker we'd get out of debt and start our new lives, and I did very well, working hard and doubling my salary by way of promotion within 2 years, this is where the problem started again, only 2 years after his promise. We had additional available cash, and I'd become a workaholic which had started to annoy him (this is where it becomes my own fault), to stop arguments about my long hours he'd make "deals" with me....yes you guessed it...he'd say "if you let me have a little naughty on Saturday, I'll not moan at all when you work on Sunday", the "little naughties" started getting more and more expensive (hundreds of pounds) but we never got back into debt as I couldn't get credit, nor could he! This carried on until the 6 years was over, finally free of debt I wanted my dream (to own my own home).
Last year we moved back with my parents, to save for a mortgage deposit (no one in my family knows about his gambling) but he's started to get really bad again, he doesn't lie at all, he tells me what he's doing but where I've been soft in the past nothing I say stops him. After a year we'd managed to save next to nothing and when my parents asked how saving was going it pushed him to get help, he has recently started phone counselling and hasn't gambled for 3 weeks now but every Saturday is a struggle, he is moody, asks if he can have a "little naughty" and I stop him but then I'm public enemy number 1 all day. It's got to the point where I dread weekends or time off together and question why I'm with him and I put up with it, if we argue because of it he throws my demanding job in my face (I'm always working apparently) or the fact that he is bored as we live with my parents and have nothing to do.
I love my husband and couldn't imagine my life without him but I feel like I'm going to have to give up my dreams for him, I'm 33, still no kids (as I won't have them with the addiction in our lives), time is ticking and I feel like I'm wasting life working and trying to stop him gambling but when he's in "that" mood, what we want in life means nothing, it's like he has a split personality.
I no longer feed his addiction by giving him permission but I feel I have no way of stopping it, when I do manage to stop him it ruins all of our time together.
Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading, feel free to share any thoughts/advice that you have 🙂
Hi Anon. Your husband won't stop gambling because a) he is a gambling addict and b) there is no reason for him to - he gets money for his "little naughty" and just has to put up with your disappointment which is a cake walk compared to saying no to the addiction.
Of course you love him and he loves you but addiction puts all that a very distand second. You can't make him either stop or want to stop but you CAN define the life you want and if he wants to be a part of that it will be up to him. As they say "we teach people how to treat us" (I was an enabler/accomodator for years!). The sooner your husband is required to join the real world the sooner you will see if your relationship has a chance.
Sorry this sounds negative...gambling addiction ain't pretty. It can be managed but that is your husband's job not yours.
Cathyx
Hi,
FWIW, a few thoughts do occur to me: firstly, how come you are prepared to give up your dreams for him but you are not prepared to give up him for your dreams? A question, not a criticism. What is it that your relationship with him is giving you and why that at the expense of everything else? Are your dreams important to you?
Secondly "a little naughty"? Anon, it's NOT little, it's costing you your dreams! That's big because you do matter. And the language of "I want a little naughty?" is mother child, not equal life partners. Even if he says please. GA associate gambling with immaturity and this is a classic. "A little naughty" is not an accurate description for feeding an addiction. Feeding an addiction is feeding an addiction and a child who has left his toys out or eaten too many sweeties has been a little naughty. It's more helpful to a gambler, even though they don't like it, for reality to be described accurately.
I would urge you to go to GC counselling and GamAnon meetings. When mired in the gambler's behaviour, we f&f lose track of normality and reality. Get the support for you.
In the meantime, the three Cs. You didn't Cause the gambling (it's not because you work too hard or too long), you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. However, you can control you and you can make your own choices about how you live your life.
Keep the focus on you, take care.
CW
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