Should I give him another chance? H

You deserve a reply so here goes, your partner has a gambling problem, which has messed up your relationship. You sound reasonably young, so you both have a chance of a reasonable life together or apart. Apart from his gambling he sounds like he has not fully matured yet reading what you say, but I feel from the thread you really care for him, you do ask can you do anything to recover the situation. Well he has to want you and his daughter in his life (full-time), a lot of people on here gamble because they are either bored (no immediate family to support) or want to win money. Well you/he has £K6 worth of debt, so he can't afford to gamble, and he has a beautiful daughter, he will only possibly experience fatherhood once in his lifetime (it will be once with this child), so he has to want to be a proper father to this girl and also a proper partner to you. Can he do this, does he want this, I hope so for you, if not ........................................................................

Thank you so much for replying. I am loosing faith that we can repair the relationship as he won't admit he has a real problem (he still says it's not a big problem), he has grown distant from family and friends and buries his head in the sand, he doesn't show me any effection and just keeps making excuses. I really want him to take responsibility for his actions , show that he's genuinely sorry and start taking steps to deal with the gambling problem and put his family first. He's feeling sorry for himself while I'm angry that he's not fighting to be with his daughter and me. I suggested looking after his bank cards and managing his online account so I can look after his finances but he calls me a control freak. I just don't know what to suggest or do anymore. I suggested mediation which he ignored. We really wanted another child and have been trying for 18 mths but I've recently realised I would probably end up a single mum of two because his priority is gambling and he won't stop lying. He's a dreamer and hopes one day he will hit the jackpot but he's about to hit rock bottom and loose his family.

I'm so angry at his mum who keep in the past year has gone guarantor on a £5k loan for him and then last week put £6k of his debt onto her interest free credit card to help him! Is it me or is she also burying her head in the sand? I've told her everything plus he could also loose his current job .

Hi oasis,

I've just read through your posts and would be interested to know how things are going for you? I have also been with my partner for almost 7years (luckily we do not have any children) but I have just found out he has been gambling and borrowing money from our joint account for the last 3 years!! It's utterly devastating.

I hope your partner has come to his senses.

xxx

Hi oasis, you are definitely not on your on. I have been with my husband over 7 years and have a 7 month old little boy. He is also addicted to online gambling / horse racing / football ect which he owned up to a few days ago. He has spent thousands behind my back and now up to his eyeballs in debt and even lied about what he was earning and this has been going on for 3 years and I can't believe I never knew! That is the thing with addiction though these people will do anything to cover themselves. We also live in a rented house as my husband has an IVA on his credit file so we couldn't buy a house despite saving every penny we could for a deposit (which now seems a waste of time) as half of it has gone. My husband is now staying at his mums who I think doesn't understand how serious this has got. I have decided to support my husband in getting help but I will not help him financially and will not take him back until he has proved he can make steps to overcome the addiction. I think it is important that your partner is able to see he has a problem first or I don't think he is likely to give up and as with any addiction it is important to stop completely and not just limit the amount they gamble. Only you know if you want to give him another chance and it may take time to decide. It doesn't help if he isn't doing anything to show how sorry he is. I felt scared to be left on my own with a baby and will soon be going back to work full time, But I do love my husband and despite everything he is a really good dad. My husband has found a gambling anonymous meeting he is willing to attend and has agreed I can take over all finances including taking his bank card off him and has also agreed to get a phone with no internet access so he is not tempted. It is such a difficult situation but I think we have to protect ourselves from being dragged down with them and I would suggest if your partner is not willing to make steps to get over his gambling maybe he isn't ready to give up. I don't know if I will ever forgive my husband or if he will stick to the things I have asked him to do and I certainly will never trust him financially again but it felt like the right thing to do to give him another chance. I'm sorry if I have gone on I hope you manage to move forward and make the choice that you feel is right for you and your daughter xx

Hi poppy blue / buddy

thank you for your posts. Buddy I just had a few tears reading your post, I'm really emotional these days!. It's so hard isn't it?. That's good you are making steps to sort things out. I hope your husband sticks to it. I feel in limbo these days. It's been 3 months since my partner moved to his mums. It's exhausting being a single mum most of the week and having constant arguments over gambling/money/lies etc. I am hoping to book relate counselling for my partner and I because we struggle to communicate well these days. I just hope he agrees to follow it through. I have big issues trusting him, I am full of resentment because of the debt (the debt has now grown due to another problem, not gambling) and I no longer feel close to him. He's saying he hasn't had a bet since new year which is when he started showing me his bank statements so I can see there has been no bets.. This is massive progress for us but I can't help but think is he betting with cash/other cards. I know this is an issue with me and trusting him. We have barely spent any time together since he moved out apart from a handful of days so we really need to rebuild that closeness but I don't see much effort on his behalf to. I more or less told him I'd had enough this week and then out of the blue he booked me a nice treat for valentines weekend. That really threw me because he has made very little effort in the past 3 months so that made me smile and it means we will spend valentines together. However I do sometimes think it'll be easier to just move on but for some reason I can't let him go. I'm hoping time will tell but sooner rather than later because I am driving myself crazy these days thinking and talking about the situation. I feel so lonely as we mainly only speak when it's concerning our daughter and if she was taken out of the equation I often wonder if we would even have a relasionship. Being in limbo is not a good place to be. I know I will never trust him financially but at the moment I am having issues with any trust.

Hi Buddy I really go hope your husband sticks to the plan so you can be a family again. Having a 7 month old baby is exciting times and I really feel for you because he should be your focus and your husbands focus. It's horrible that gambling issues are taking over your life esoecially at this stage. The year following my daughters birth was the happiest time of my life. You and your son deserve a secure and stable home life x

Hi Oasis146,

I split up with my partner of 1 year last sunday due to his gambling and his compulsive lying. It was the hardest decision I ever made because even though I still love him and care about him, I couldn't cope with the lying and the gambling. We were constantly doing things to try and make him feel better and never really spent any time going out for fun days out. In the last few months, I was running around making sure he had money for food, rent and petrol and was very stressed out with it all especially when he would turn up at my work asking for money. I never completely trusted him and thats what worried me. I was going with him to betting shops to self exclude him and he still went and gambled! I was in limbo as well and even though I am devastated and heartbroken that the relationship has ended (we did have some good and fun times every now and then) I knew in the end that it was the right decision. You need to do what's right for you and your child because unfortunately, gamblers don't really think about the hurt and stress that is causing on the people around them, until its too late.

I wish you all the best 🙂

It's the lies that are the hardest bit for me, that's what could have broken us. If he went back to lying like that i think it would be the end. The gambling and the money pretty much dont matter compared to the lies.

I would definitely agree with you on that one! The money you can kind of deal with and help them with it but the lying is the worst thing!

It's the lies that I can't cope with. His lies arent even about money or gambling. I just don't understand it. My daughter told me a story of something that happened when she was out with daddy and he denied it had happened. His mum then confirmed it had happened. I don't get why they lie. He's not shown me a bank statement in 2 weeks and has taken his cash card off me so that arrangement has gone out the window. We went to out first relate session last week and he said he wanted a open honest relasionship but then today I find out he lied to me this week! I can't trust someone that lies. I have become so insecure. After being separated for 3 1/2 months and he's still lying to me what hope is there! I don't feel loved or supported or even in a relasionship so why am I even trying?!. I must be mad.

Also back in Dec he said he had gone to see his doctor and was diagnosed with depression and referred to a counsellor (who I don't think he saw it spoke to). The relate lady asked him this week which doctor he was registered with but he couldn't remember. If he had a appointment in Dec surely he would know which doctor he was with?! So that was obviously a lie too.

The lies are amazing sometimes, still to this day, pennies suddenly drop for me, things that happened years ago untangle themselves from the web of lies and drop into my head, which used to upset me, but now I just give the memory a quiet 'funeral', a moment of grief and reflection, lesson learned. It's just another reaosn why i wont trust him, but the lies are not habit while he is in recovery and I have no fear of not believing him if i think he is lying. I talk over him, speaking to the dog, "Can you hear it, the fibbers back, what a load of rubbish".

I havent forgotten at all though, how much lies hurt, I have forgotten money stolen from me, money wasted, but the pain of the lies is the enduring thing and that is what the active compulsive gambler cant see. (they can only see the money and engineering the opportunity to gamble) Relate is a great idea, try to stay focussed on that single issue of lying and dont let him sidetrack you or the counsellor with more lies. If you can get to a gam anon meeting, there's nothing quite like the support of people who really understand how it feels to but put in this intolerable situation, we dont judge, we have exes of gamblers, current partners, siblings, friends, parents, children of gamblers, we all help each other through and share some strength.

Keep talking.... its the best medicine

Thanks pangolin. Are you still with your partner?. I don't want this life and believe he won't change because he doesn't even recognise he lies to me. I don't beleive he will ever put me or our daughter first because he is so selfish and childish. It's all about him and his self pity. I cant let him crush me anymore than he already has so I need to make steps to move on with my life without all this b******t because I deserve better even if the thought of being a single working mother terifies me!. I am having counselling which I find helps to get it all out .