So many questions?

Hello anotherannon

Firstly please don't apologies for your Post, it is good to have you here.  Problem Gambling is cunning, powerful and baffling and has a detrimental impact on loved ones.  However, there is a way forward for both you and your Husband.

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Amanda 

Forum Admin

Posted by: @eojtsg319k

Hello! I don’t really know where to start with this post and my head feels like an entangled ball of wool whilst my heart just feels numb. 

Around 2.5 years ago my partner sat me down and told me he had been gambling. It was during covid and once he had gambled everything but that months bills, he confession. We took all the appropriate steps, I took control of finances, he received some over the phone counselling and didn’t gamble for 1 year and 4 months. In hindsight I found comfort in the fact he didn’t gamble away the last of the bills thinking he couldn’t be ‘that’ addicted because he still had some common sense and that he clearly had some sort of control still. 

I have recently found out this evening that since around July last year he has been gambling again. All savings have gone and bank accounts are empty. I’m so heartbroken and just don’t know what to do anymore. He gained trust and ended up having control of his own finances (how stupid of me). He told me that he fancied a bet on the football one weekend and went into the bookies to place a bet of around £30 and it all went downhill from there and has lost around 15k in around 10 months. It’s only ever sport he puts a bet on, not things like poker, slots etc and isn’t interested in the casino (not that one is any better than the other). He has been using foreign gambling sites since he is blocked from all the others since putting things in place from last time. 

I told him before if he was to gamble again the relationship would be over but I know gambling is a disease and I want to support him. The lies, the betrayal, the embarrassment (he had to borrow money off people and even took out two phone contracts to sell the phones to make money back to go towards his bills), the disrespect!! I am so angry, so heartbroken and I just don’t know how to start to support him to move forward. I suppose the future of our relationship is irrelevant and him being the best version of himself is priority right now.

I have told friends about the first time but not since finding out tonight it has started again. I don’t want to either if I’m being honest, for all the obvious reasons.

Other than the gambling my partner is honestly the kindest, most thoughtful, loving and caring man on the planet, I know you might laugh thinking how is that even possible, he gambles but he honestly is and I think that is what makes this so much harder. We have a mortgage together and have been together for 4.5 years now, is this what my future is going to be like? A constant worry that my partner could gamble at any moment? A future filled with anxiety, a lack of trust and the pressure to keep finances in order on the off chance he wants to gamble again? Can people really recover?

I apologise for the long post, it is my first one and I just wanted to write everything down. 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It feels very similar to my situation although mine hasn't gone on as long. My partner is also an extremely kind, loving perfect guy in every way except for his addiction. I'm currently going through the same thought process as you - can I handle being constantly worried and paranoid of a relapse for the rest of my life? Can I marry this guy knowing that might happen and then I might have some responsibility for his debts?

Unfortunately I think if you dont end it then there will be no accountability. You told him it would be over, if you don't end it he'll think he can get away with it over and over. I've been with my partner almost 9 years, Ive been patiently waiting for a proposal before discovering the last 3 years of lies is why I've never had one. 

Sometimes I think it'd be easier if he was a d**k in other ways to make it easier.

I think we both have some choices to make. Good luck xx