So worried

Hi missykat, and welcome to the forum.

I can relate to everything you have said about your son, I have 2 sons and both gamble, but one is a problem gambler, strangely

Enough they both gambled years before I started, and yet my addiction was worse than their twos put together.

Sadly if your son is gambling again, there is nothing that you can say or do for him to make him stop, he and only he can stop if and when he wants to. He will lie until he is blue in the face to keep his gambling going.

This is not your fault, this is your sons choice.

This may sound harsh but the only way to help him, is not to help him whatsoever financially, no matter how direstraits he gets, because any money will go straight to feed his gambling, and make his situation worse.

It's awful to see our sons throwing their lives away, but this can all be reversed, when he is ready to come clean, and want to stop.which sadly normally is when we have reached rock bottom.

The only way you can help your son is by giving tough love,

There are many stories in the family and friends column, reading these may help you understand more, and make you feel easier, because you are not alone,

Try and take a few steps back from him, stay on the outside looking in, don't get on the inside with him looking out, (if that makes sense). You need to look after you,

Stand firm and don't back in to him, he is a grown man now, he makes his own choices, let's hope he makes the right one very soon.

Take care and try not to worry, CGs will even use those emotions to get their own way,

Suzanne xx

Have a read of amom and as67's posts too.

You dont need evidence and you probably wont get any, the worry is whats hurting you, not the facts, so keeep talking and get some help with the worry, ring gan care, come to a gam anon meeting, your worries will be understood

Aw thank you for your response that's so kind of you.

whats your iffy evidence?

He gambled when he first left school some money that we had deposited into his bank out of an insurance that we took out when he was born. This money was for a car when he learnt to drive, but within a matter of only a couple of weeks all of it had gone. It doesn't seem a lot of money now but it was about ВЈ600 18 years ago and he was only 16. Not only that the bank let him get a £500 overdraft. We ended up paying that off only for them to let him do it again. To this day that has never been paid off.
Other than that he has on more than one occasion spent his rent money. And is always losing his wallet.
The silliest reason I have to suspect that he is gambling ( and I would feel really stupid saying this out loud, but here goes) people keep saying Oh I saw you're Ben (not his real name ) the other day and it's always on the same stretch of street in our local town, where he has no other reason to be there other than w**********l is there.
Sorry I'm rabbiting a bit and this probably doesn't make any sense what so ever, but I'm his Mum and I know something is not right.

Hi Missykat

If you think your son has a gambling problem then chances are you're right. If he is compulsively gambling he will not stop until he decides... it won't matter what you think or want. The best thing you can do for both yourself and your son is to not bail him out of any financial messes he makes... this includes helping with rent, groceries, gas, etc.

Compulsive gamblers can be incredibly good liars and manipulators. They can have you believing that you are the one with the problem, so make sure you talk / write about it so you don't lose your perspective... this isn't your problem to fix!

Hi Amom thank you for you're response.
I am so mixed up at the moment my emotions are all over the place. For a very long time I have suspected that my so may have ADHD because of his behaviour, my husband won't have any of it so I can't talk to him about it because it usually ends up in a row. He doesn't believe there is such a thing and says he sees loads of lads/young men that behave the same.
My son has never held a job down for more than 12 months, he has several broken relationships, children with 2 of them. At the moment his ex wont let him see his kids its been nearly a year, having said that she wont let any of us see them through no fault of our own. He and his current girlfriend have lost several homes in the past years and they never seem to have much money.
I just wandered if any one else had any issues that sound similar to my sons. If he has got ADHD could it be this causing him to gamble or does the gambling cause him to have all the other issues.
Confused and upset K

Hey Missykat,

You sound like a wonderfully caring mum, one day your son will appreciate everything you've done (I'm sure he does already, but the fog of a gambling addiction can cloud rational behaviour and thinking).

My personal opinion (and it's only that, a lot of people here will disagree with me), is that I don't think "labels" are always helpful. Whether your son has ADHD or a personality disorder isn't necessarily helpful to solving the problem. It's a label that might make you feel better about why he's doing it, but the truth is probably he is addicted to gambling. No other mitigating circumstances, no other excuses.

If I go on Google to find out what's "wrong with me" - I could probably fulfil the DSMV criteria for about 30 personality disorders, 5 mental health issues, ADD, ADHD, Aspergers, OCD, M.E., FFS disorder, etc. But I don't suffer from any of them really - I'm looking for a reason to excuse/explain why I bet uncontrollably.

It took me a long time to be honest enough with myself to admit I had a problem, then what drove me to keep doing something I knew was killing me slowly, then how to manage the triggers and see the warning signs once I realised. I couldn't have done any of that without outside help and people that cared about me.

I was lucky enough to have friends and family who stuck by me and tried to understand. Also a good GP referall for CBT councelling. But the sad truth is none of that would've been any use until I wanted to help myself, until I got to such a rock bottom state that I couldn't deny my problem anymore.

It certainly sounds like your son has a gambling issue, but it's a difficult one as to how to help him - push too hard before he's ready to admit it and he'll just shut off and see you as part of the problem; alternatively to stand by and do nothing as a caring mum is intolerable.

There's no easy answer. But you say as a mum you just feel something is not right, I reckon you are correct, so keep trusting your gut instinct, tell him you love him and are there for him when he's ready, but never enable him by lending him money.

Sincerely, best wishes to you.

Mx

Aw thank you so much for those kind words Mole they almost made me cry. But believe me when I say I'm really not looking for an excuse for him. I don't know if I would know which was the worst the ADHD (if he had it ) or the gambling. At least with the gambling I think he would stand more chance of getting help or helping himself if he really wanted to.
No I just have seen such self destructive behaviour for so long now that I can't help thinking there must be some underlying issues, believe me when I say I truly hope that's not the case.
I really think I'm a caring mum although in recent months I haven't had an awful lot to do with him. In fact he doesn't see much of any if his family and that makes me feel really sad as the last thing I want is for him to feel isolated. But for my own sanity and for the sake of my marriage I have had to switch off from it all.
I only hope you're right and he eventually realises the nagging was actually caring.
Thank you again K x

i would have to agree with molehole, it's all been put so much better than i could have. Gambling addiction does look like a personality disorder, the labels dont help in the end.

You are doing so well, kepp talking.

Thank you Pangolin

Hi all in an earlier post of mine I mentioned that I thought my son may have ADHD, I didn't word that post very well. What I actually meant to say was as I have no concrete evidence to prove my son is gambling, other than the fact he has done in the past, the characteristics of a CG seem to be the same as someone with ADHD eg the lying losing jobs and relationships, losing phones and coming across as caring about nothing and no one.
We have given him loads of opportunities to come to speak to us about any problems he might have but he basically ends up making me feel as if I imagine everything.
It has made me feel really ill in the past so at the moment I don't have any contact with him, but to be truthful I can't keep on the way I have been.
Thanks for reading although not sure if any of it makes sense.
K xx

Hey missykat it makes total sense, until I was in the grip of the evil addiction, I could not understand where my sons phones went (they still do) how they never had their wages go in their bank, how they lost so much money on a night out(lost their wallet) etc, believe me all the lying, stealing, could not give a s**t etc is the makings of a CG, I did not believe it, until I did it myself, I am sorry you have no contact with him at the moment, our kids are our life no matter what they have done, I love my sons to death, look after them in every way, with my grandkids too, but no way do I give either of them any money anymore, and no way can they steal it from me anymore, all my gold has gone, all material things like that have gone, by my sons, and then what was left by me.

As I have said stay on the outside looking in, please don't totally cut him out, be firm, on lending him or giving him anything, get the respect back that you so much deserve, you will get it tough love does work, you are his Mum, stand strong stand tall, and be firm, he will get there.

Take care and remember there is nothing you can say or do, until he is ready.

Suzanne xx

For me, the worst was when I suspected but couldn't prove it and sight of the bank statements came as a huge relief, that I wasn't losing my mind. The contents of the statements were another story...but I do feel for you.

If you can smell a rat it's almost certainly because there's one there but don't drive yourself mad looking under all the floorboards.

Put yourself first and remember that tough love is still love.

Take care.

CW